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Skyfall
M Mmmmm Good
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

BOND IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN HIS BESTEST ADVENTURE YET!  Not really, cause no Bond movie can complete with Bond getting married AND curling, but hey, Bond flick #23 – Skyfall aint no Quantum of Whateverness, but then again it aint no Casino Royal with cheese, but then again then again then again then again

So what is Skyfall?  Skyfall istelf is actually a something, a something we won’t spoil for you, but it hactually holds meaning, instead of being a something stupid like whatever the Quantum of Solange was is.  Oh, you want to know?  OK, Skyfall is the nickname of M/Judi Dench‘s cavernous vagina

No, but seriously, Skyfall the movie (not Skyfall the person/place or thing) is one of the more straightforward Bond flicks of recent memory.  There’s no needless & endless razzle dazzle, juss a much more simplistic, linear story that goes from point A to point B without being point-less.  Bond flicks these here days have to compete with the frantic Bourne series, but Sam Mendes & co decided not to go all Bourne again, and instead went with more of a Christopher Nolan – Batman route, exploring more of the personal side of Jamesly Bond and those who support him.  M is like Alfred, and Skyfall is like… !??#??#!???

If you’ve been dying for a Bond flick to take place mainly on the British Isles, well then, Skyfall is the Bond you have always been waiting for!  Sure, there are other locales – the opening Istanbul stuff with roof radness taken straight from Taken 2 + some Blade Runnery video buildings in Shanghai + some sultry, well-lit, well-lanterned, well-bobbed casino action in Macau + some Chernobyl-like deserted island, but this Bond and this Bond film works its mojo very mojoly back on home turf!!  Above ground, underground, in and around the actual Underground, MI6, MI7, and much moors!!  That spelling is on purpose, but we can’t tell you much MOORS than that.  SKYFALL!!! ROSEBUD!!!

So, how’s Bond he-self?  Daniel Craig is smooth sailing in his 3rd outting.  He’s gruff, he’s tough, and he can deliver the cheesy one-liners with a smirk and not look like a total jerk.  He’s a great Bond.  We loves him.  Who cares if he’s 4 foot tall

So, how’s the bad guy and his schemes?  Javier Bardem as Silva is super blonde and super gay and super strange and super great.  Of course he is, he’s Javier Bardem.  As for his character, he’s interesting, but not eggzactly fascinating.  Bardem does his best with him, but he’s mainly juss some guy who looks like a muppet with blonde eyebrows who hates Judi Dench, and who would hate Judi Dench?  WHO??!?!?!?

So, what about the Bond girls?  You already met them, but you don’t know anything about them besides them being sexy playthings for Bond to gawk at and sometimes touch.  There’s secret agent/secret hotness Naomie Harris, who everyone fell for in 28 Days Later, but really hasn’t made much of a mark since then.  She’s on team Bond, and she bonds with Bond, and Gold Bonds his balls.  Sorta, not really, but she’s cool and they HINTTTTTTTTT at her sticking around in the future, which is great, cause I said so.  As for an actual main Bond girl gal, the part French, part Khmer-Chinese exotic hotty Bérénice Marlohe sultrysizes up the screen in her brief, but steamy screen time.  There’s not much for her to do here besides give pissed off looks with her mouth, but we do sorta get to see her shower!  SORTA!!

So, what about the other people?  There’s Ralph Fiennes, who always plays a smug a$$hole in movies, and here he plays a smug a$$hole, but maybe he’s a smug a$$hole with a secret nice side!  Anywho, he doesn’t do much cept doubt Dame Judi, but maybe he secretly wants to sky fall into her Skyfall vagina.  Then there’s Albert Finney.  All we will tell you about him is that he’s in this movie, and bearded, and he still has the greatest blowhardy voice in acting.  I hope he never dies.  He will, but maybe he can DIE ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!  And then there’s the new Q - Ben Whishaw, who has the greatest voice in acting, period!  exclamation point!   HOW CAN WE HAVE SEX WITH HIS VOICE!!!!  So, one would think that Q would pop up for like ten seconds to give Bond 10 gadgets and then disappear til the next movie, BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE!!!  This movie has more Q & M and Ps & Qs and A&P & A&W action than all the other Bond movies combined!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe!!!!!

So, what are you waiting for to sky fall into Dame Judi Dench’s cavernous skyfall vagina???  You never know if you’ll get the chance to do so EVER again!!!!!

oh, and upon further reflection – the Adele theme song is fcuking fantastic, although the opening title sequence was 1/2 rad, and 1/2 bad

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Skyfall LANDS in a theater near jews this Friday!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Dench & Denturesability
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 124 min

Do you love old British people AND India?  Well boy old boy, do we gotzz the movie for you!!!  It’s about old British people IN India!!!!!  The only thing more awesome than that is old Indian people IN Indiana!!!  Not really, and not really either for the movie about old British people IN India.  The old British people IN India movie is called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, and the only thing exotic in John Madden‘s screen take on some book not of the same name is… nothing

The old British people is be Judi Dench (being all Denchy), Bill Nighy (being mildly Nighyyy), Maggie Smith (she looks like walking death, even though she’s wheelchair bound in the flick), Tom Wilkinson (is he old?), Penelope Wilton (wait, that wasn’t Lynn Redgrave?  wait, Lynn Redgrave is dead????), Celia Imrie (she kinda skeeves us out) and some dude named Ronald Pickup (who seems kinda awesome!!!).  These old British people are wooed to the hotel in the title that’s run by Dev Patel, because he needs to co-star in some movie, right?  And guess what, the hotel is not as advertised!!  OH MY!, but wait…

AND GUESS WHAT, THESE GREAT BRITAINERSERS AINT IN GREAT BRITAIN NO MOOOO!!!!  THEY IN INDIA, SO IMAGINE THE FISH OUT OF WATERNESSNESS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN OLD BRITISH PEOPLE ARE IN INDIA!!!???  Don’t imagine too hard, cause the movie doesn’t imagine too hard neither.  It’s juss a 2 houred slow ride of old British people IN India, being British, IN India.  That about slums it up.   Zzzzzz???  Kinda, but in a sorta watchable way.  maybe?  DENCHY!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Marigold is kind of a medal below bronze, in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

My Week with Marilyn
Companionship Is A Girl’s Best Friend
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

Colin Clark is one lucky fellow.  He was born into money and used family connections to get onto the set of Laurence Olivier’s The Prince and the Showgirl, and somehow sirprizingly into the heart and soul of Marilyn Monroe… for a week!!  Of course any man would give both of their testicals to be in her presence for 10 seconds, so we’re pretty dang darn jealous that Clark did what he got to do, especially since he’s a dweeby guy played by the dweeby actor Eddie Redmayne (he needs to get a lip reduction or something).  But even if this is CC’s story, Simon Curtis‘ film version of his true story is truly all about Marilyn through and through

When we first saw a picture of Michelle Williams dolled up as MM, we were kinda creeped out by it.  We love Williams and all, but didn’t think we’d be able to buy her as her.  Well, after seeing MW be MM, we are now beyond sold.  So much so that we’d almos rather spend a week with MW as MM than with MM.  It’s true!!!  Throw in some stiff-upperlipping by Kenneth Branagh as Olivier, Judi Dench dame-ing it up, Julia Ormond ormonding(???) it up, Toby Jones standing tall, Emma Watson not being Hermione, Dougray Scott wearing the same exact glasses that Arthur Miller did, Dominic Cooper not being Uday Hussein, Zoë Wanamaker rapping with her raspy voice, and we got ourselves a solid supporting cast playing the cast of characters who supported MM during her cinematic journey in the old country

But there was something about the whole falling in love affair with MM that didn’t sit right with us.  It felt like we were being served a giant slice of nauseating sentimentality.  And this Colin Clark kid is just too vanilla a human being to give two flying figs about.  He’s as cardboard as… cardboard, and as interesting as… cardboard.  We ended up rooting against him getting into MM’s troubled life, and wished it was Olivier who had itched that seven year itch (whatever that means).  But it is what it is, and that’s what it is

moral of the story: Monroe has been portrayed on screen and TV 100+ times.  Michelle Williams hands in the 2nd best MM performance we have ever seen.   This is why you see this movie.  So, who’s #1?  Samantha Morton, who played a heartbreaking MM impersonator in one of the best films of the last 10 years – Mister Lonely

Smoke Em If You Got Em: yes, these did really eggsist.  EAT IT MR T!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Marilyn‘s Week begins limited release on Thanksgiving Eve Day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

(this is Colin with Olivier’s wife Vivien Leigh!)

J Edgar
Hoover? What? When? Where? And Sometimes Why?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

Don’t know what’s wrong with more than 1/2 of the critics who reviewed J Edgar.  Did they even see the same movie we saw?  Was there not enough J Edgar Hoover picking up the dirt (hoovering!) for them?  Did they find the quality Clint Eastwood direction directionless?  Was Leonardo DiCaprio‘s best work since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape not bestiful enuff for their boasteringing, despite the impossible task of playing someone he looks nothing like (which oddly enuff was what made The Aviator crash)?  Was Armie Hammer too handsome for them to clap their hands some?  Was the Dustin Lance Black script too straight without a chaser?  Were they pissed Naomi Watts didn’t give Judi Dench some carpet cleaning?  What’s yer problems, yo???

Seriously folks, J Edgar is a fine fine movie.  It takes a notorious and mysterious figure of 20th century American history and notoriousizeses him, while still keeping his enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a woman’s slip, and entertains us.  What more do you want?  We may not get a complete picture, but how do you make a complete picture of a man who ran a bureau of secrets, with a bureau filled with STILL unknown secrets????  You don’t, and even if this flick had early 90s Oliver Stone written all over it, Stone didn’t make it, and thank dog he didn’t today, cause he’s no longer up to the task, but Clint Eastwood is and he did it and he did it right (heck, there’s not a ton of gangstering goings on, but it’s a zillion times betterer than whatever Public Enemies was).  So, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!  and critics, GET OVER YER YAWNS!!!!!

moral of the story:  we’re totally gay for J Edgar Hoover and this movie about him.  He may have been misguided, but he got the job done, no matter what the costs were, and no matter how much make-up they had to cake onto Leo to make him look like old man Charles Foster Kane (see below below)

Creepy Ship Lollipop: J Edgar Hoover & Shirley Temple, a WTF relationship for the ages

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

J Edgar digs up the good dirt currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…