The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
A Barrel of Halves 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 161 min

OMG, The Hobbit is back, yo!!  And this time we aint letting our eyes watch none of that 48888 frames per second junk.  And we didn’t!  24fps baby, all the way!  Cause that’s what movies are suppose to look like!  And glad we stuck to them guns for Peter Jackson‘s 5th dip into Tolkienland, cause this looked like a movie and not a video game!

OK, so what of the actual movie?  It’s first 1/2 was FCUKING awesome!!!!  Our heroes were like running thru fields and mountains and forests and fighting things big and small and gross and scary – you know, yer typical LOTR stuff.  But then the short dudes (Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage and all those stoopid lookin dwarves) needed help, but don’t ask for it, but it comes anyway in the form of super-skinny-hot elves!!  There’s good ole Legolas (Orlando Bloom, back in blonde, in the only role he excels in, instead of how he is in any non-elf movie where he ex-sucks in) and this female elf who didn’t event exist in Tolkien’s realm, but Peter Jackso oh so wanted to have a token Tolkien female character, so they basically made a female Legolas, but with red hair!!!  She’s played by Evangeline Lilly, and within 2 minutes of screen time, she makes you go, Liv Tyler as Arwen who???  IT’S TRUE CAUSE SHE’S SO COOL!!  But then the elves are like not helping the dwarves by jailing them, but then with MAGIC, they aint jailed, and then our heroes are in barrels, going down a rapid-crazed river (watch this bit of making of!), and trying to barrel-away from ugly orcs!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!  THERE’S SO MUCH ACTION AND THIS IS ALL SO MUCH FCUKING FUN!!!

But of course the fun never lasts, and the rest of the movie is far from a blast.  We inch toward Smaug and his dragon’s lair, and even if he’s voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, it can’t change the fact that the rest of the journey to him is such a slog.  The river ride ends and then our little friends still have miles/kilometers to go, but first they must take a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng diversion in some lake port city where Stephen Fry is kinda awesome perfect as the lake port city’s master, and this dude with teef is his annoying helper, and theys trying not to get spied on by Stephen Colbert, and like try to get this human - Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) – to help them, but zzzzzzzzzzzz, and things and stuffzzzzzz.  Alas, they finally get going and go to the mountain where the dragon and Uncle Scrooge’s gold is be, and get some gem the dwarves need is be.  Fire from dragon goes whooooooooosh, and then the little dudes run around.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  WE SO CLOSE, but – CUT TO BLACK.  Movie ends with the least cliffy-cliff-hanger steak ever cooked.  Zzzzzzzzz.  WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BARRELS OF AWESOMES????

>Whatevs, we’re totally in for #3, but #2 was totally 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH.  It needed more Ian McKellen being an old beardo, and Lee Pace looking hot in with his treebranch crown, and stuff, AND BARREL RIDES!!!!  But I can’t really complain too much.  This is the 5th Peter Jax JRRRRRR Tolkien joint, and it far from sucks.  CAN GEORGE LUCAS SAY THAT ABOUT HIS STAR WARSESESES??   NO HE CAN’T CAUSE HIS NECK IS TOO FAT FOR HIS THROAT TO LET HIS MOUTH SPEAK WORDS THAT NO ONE CARES TO HEAR!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Smaug is making a hobbi-ton o’ money at a theater near jews

Bitched At Swirth – Middle Earth Edition: yep, dwarf Aidan Turner totes looks like a midget Ian Somerhalder with long hair, but we got one better for ya… 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…