Peace The Forks Out

to

Mrs. Garrett

&

Nikolai Volkoff

+

Miloš Forman

Billy Graham

Roger Bannister

Tab Hunter

Kate Spade

Steve Ditko

Harry Anderson

Claude Lanzmann

he bid Vietnam good mornings

Koko The Gorilla

Steven Bochco

David Ogden Stiers

Mr IKEA

Beetle Bailey maker

Keith Jackson

Dick Enberg

Tom Wolfe

Dolores O’Riordan

Jerry Van Dyke

Rose Marie

last of the Oz munchkins

FIRST Bond girl

Clifford Irving

The Catch-er

Ella Brennan

Kurosawa scripter

Tower Records founder

Mitzi Shore

Tom Benson

Atari co-founder

The Office‘s Hank, the security guard

Mini Me

that mini lady

he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

Toys were him

Ruth Wilensky

&

Anthony Bourdain

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj2tWdbAo5X/

&

Margot Kidder

&

R. Lee Ermey

&

Stephen Hawking

&

Barbara Bush

The Conspirator
Herstory Always Repeats Itself
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

A good history lesson is a good history lesson, regardless of what kind of a movie surrounds it.  The Conspirator is one such good history lesson, cause we doubt you (or we) know the inner-workings of the conspiracy behind Lincoln’s assassination, or its aftermath, or the rushed (in?)justice of all parties linked to it, or supposedly linked to it.  What do you know of Mary Surratt?  No, she had nothing to do with A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.  She may have had nothing to do with axing Lincoln either, but regardless, was tried for being a conspirator alongside all the real conspirators.  Is she really guilty or just guilty by association?  So many questions, so few answers, lots of stuffy courtroom drama, and it’s all worth learning about!!  There will be a quiz (show), so sharpen those number 2 pencils

The material is right up righteous director Robert Redford‘s alley, and even if the results may not be the 2nd coming of All The President’s Men, what is?  Cause the truth is out there, even if the government back then couldn’t handle it, or the exact truth was and remains unknown.  The same might be true of today’s prosecution/persecution of terrorists or would be ones!!  OOOOOOOH, WHAT MODERN DAY PARALLELS!!  And obvious ones too!!

So back to Mrs Surratt (an un-make-upped Robin Wright-Penn).  She had two things working in her disfavor:  1, her son was an accused Lincoln assassination plotter, who fled right after it all went down and thus looking even more guilty, and 2, her house served as a meeting place for all the plotters, including John Wilkes Booth (Sacha Baron Cohen lookish-a-like Toby Kebbell).  Besides some questionable testimony by some witnesses (including Stephen Root!!), there’s not much directly linking her in the larger plan, besides being a mother and owning a home.  That aint stopping an itchy Lincoln cabinet (Kevin Kline) and military court (Colm Meaney and Danny Huston) from exacting revenge and deciding her purty much pre-determined fate.  Who would and could defend such a defenseless woman and winless case?

Enter the reluctant Frederick Aiken (a solid James McAvoy), after his mentor Reverdy Johnson (Tom Wilkinson, who can never do no acting wrong) quit on this lose-lose situation (if she’s found guilty, you fail as a lawyer, but if you get her off, you’re seen as a traitor to the Union, and the new and uneasy post-Civil War peace).  Aiken starts off seeing his client juss like everyone else, beyond guilty, but as the ‘case’ unfolds, he starts to find the proceedings unfair, and most importantly, unjust.  He’s now made this lose-lose situation a lose-lose-lose one.  Even his trusted war buddies (James Badge Dale, and a way out of place and time Justin Long) and lady-in-waiting (Alexis Bledel) question his motives and actions, but it’s his case to fight, like it or not!!

If you don’t know the outcome of the case, skip the wikipedia entries and jump right into this open for interpretation history book.  Heck, you might juss learn something, unlike most movies, which make you un-learn things!!

Evan Rachel Wood co-stars as Mary’s daughter, Anna Surratt, and if yer looking to un-hate her from her NSFW awful daughterness doings in Mildred Pierce [do not click that spolierish link, if you ever intend to watch the mini-series], this juss another excuse for you to serve this summons

History Lives On:  you can visit Ford’s Theater (although it barely resembles the theater Lincoln was killed in) or follow Booth’s escape route [pdf] or even eat Chinese food at Mary Surratt’s Boarding House!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Conspirator plots it up today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

yep, we (Thigh Master, Thighsbart, Jewanicur, BJNewms, Sonkin, Gomby & Wolffie) go back to school more often than you do. wees very proud alumnus of Indiana University, juss like Kevin Kline & Jim Jones & Marc Singer from V!! also wees very proud at how much food & fun & friends we can shove into a single weekend. this particular weekend may look a lot like others of the past, but it was different, cause no ranch fart ever smells the same as another.  they like snowflakes.  anywho…

we snuck into a frat kitchen to show you what college looks like

Keystone Light will never die!!!

but we also took the time to look at a different kind of man-made beauty!

like nicely shaped buildings on the bestest campus evs!!!

who wrote this, a mail or femail???

doesn’t sound like much of a priority anymo!

wethinks David Lynch stole his Twin Peaks hallways from the HPER‘s

and the Nazis stole the swastika from the same place!!

where’s the ranch farting lane?

get it, a lane where ranch farting is accepted?

for richer or pourer, we sunk the Biz at Nick’s!!!

our mos flavorite bar in the world, besides the Dive Bar!!!

and yet, despite of all the debauchery, there was still time for culture!!

at the Lilly Library, now our mos flavorite library besides ones where there are hot & naughty librarians

any Tom, Dick or Larry can swing on in & look at magnificent manuscripts & pertinent papers

like Orson Welles’ shiz (and Vonnegut’s & others)!!!!!

they even have early drafts of Citizen Kane when it was called The American!!!!

and you get to put yer greasy lil paws all over them!!!

and you can even JO to his birth certificate!!

and yes, his dad’s name is Dick Head Welles!!!

and yes, Orson was above average!!!!

twas such an honor to touch his honor card!!!

but a C in gym Orson????

too busy being a genius to be in shape????

they also have a lot o’ John Ford’s shiz, like ironically enuff, his Oscar for How Green Way My Valley

which wrongly bested Citizen Kane at the 1941 Academy Awards!!! bastardos!!!!

ok kids, the writing was on the walls

do not try any of the following at home, and juss be happy you can’t smell the ranch farts at home!!

yours drooly, the mumble narrator and overlord of ranch farts!!!

we know you like to watch!!!

this is proof that there is a God

but ranch farts prove that there isn’t a God

but Pizza Express‘ Dixie Chicken (BBQ grilled chicken, red onion, Wisconsin cheddar) is also proof that there is one!!

this za may be basic Midwestern stuffs, but it’s better than a lot of NY za!! 15reals!!!!!

and there aint nuttin wetter than these there wet cokes!!

besides our vaginas after seeing bountiful feast after feast!!

extra! extra!  fart all about it!!!

man, shiz really adds up super qwikly!!!

even branched out and had a lil Greek food!

the Cheesepa’rer & other goodies gave us tzatziki farts!!!

at Hinkle’s Hamburgers’ grease is STILL the word, booty!!

place is so dang good, they don’t even need a website!

had to make a stop de pit at the VP

and munch on an adequate chicken salad sangwich

so blazed and confused that me eyes are going in nine different directions/erections!!!!

this is the only thing we didn’t eat this weekend

and thanks to Imodium AD, we didn’t have to poop much!!

shocking, we know

photo assist from OviWani

No Strings Attached
No Frills Attached Neither
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We somehow survived whatever piece of $hit Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day was.  We never even thought we’d ever need to think about that putrid eye and ear sore again, but then another Ashton Kutcher rom-com came a calling, and well, we had to figure out if the new one was the same kind of $hit, a wurser kind or a better kind.  How bout none of a kind?????  That’s cause Ashton Kutcher as an actor is a joke that’s beyond no longer funny.  Had his role in No Strings Attached been played by someone else, even someone basic and whatevs like Bradley Cooper or Josh Lucas, then maybe it could have worked.  Wait a second, what the f%&k are we saying???  No Strings Attached doesn’t work cause there’s zero drama, originality and moist importantly, a romance we can all get behind and swoon over, regardless of how dumb it is (spoiler: guess what, the meaningless sex DOES have meaning!).  Yet somehow we didn’t hate this movie, but that’s probably juss cause it’s not Valentine’s Day II, and we didn’t have to watch Ashton Kutcher go toe 2 boo with Jennifer Garner again

There are many great mysteries in this world, and you can now add ‘why did Natalie Portman agree to star opposite Ashton Kutcher in a movie???‘ to that list.  No one would question the pairing if this was a charity tennis match, but it’s not, it’s a movie, and Portman juss came off of a brilliant one where she masturbates and is perfect, and Kutcher was in some commercial about a camera or something.  We saw the movie and we still don’t understand how or why Natalie Portman would ever do anything with Ashton Kutcher, professionally or amateurally.   And yet we didn’t hate it.  Maybe cause we got to see such fun actors as Kevin Kline, Olivia Thirlby (remember her???), Lake Bell (even if her face looks like Crispin Glover’s), Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Abby Elliott, Jennifer Irwin and Cary Elwes not do too much, other than give us other people to look at and listen to that aren’t Ashton Kutcher

There was one name we didn’t mention and that’s ‘actress’ Greta Gerwig.  Yea, Ms Mumblecore isn’t a real actor either and this joke is also starting to get a lil ye olde.  But wait a second, what if Greta Gerwig was Ashton Kutcher’s love interest in No Strings Attached, or in anything for that splatter?!?!?!?!?  Wethinks we’re onto something here!!!  OMG, that would be the mostest perfect union disaster since the Union Carbide Bhopal disaster, but hell, we’d certainly want to see it, and we wouldn’t question anything about it, cause it would be like watching Juliette Lewis acting with a clone of herself!!!  Somebody call Gus van Sant and get him to make a shot by shot remake of No Strings Attached and have the awkwardness of Gerwig and the stoopidness of Kutcher run amok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Ivan Reitman directed this, and oh, it’s no Kindergarten Cop!!  and none of son Jason‘s movies are Kindergarten Cop neither!!

Lets Have A Krystal Ball!!!: Krystal Ellsworth, ells yea!!!

+ Ophelia Lovibond caught our eye & thigh in Nowhere Boy, and does again in Attached, and now we’re gonna stay attached to her 9ever!!!

Verdictgo: Little To Zero Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Attached detaches today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…