Thighs Wide Shut

Nintendo Power Issue 1 – 1988 July/August was our bible

Birdo can lick our balls!!!!

fact: we’ve been burned more by the blue candle
than we have by women

up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, (select,) start changed our life and probably yours

who doesn’t love the ‘Screw Attack’?

RBI B-BALL IS MORE LORD THAN TRACI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goonies II was vastly underrated, even at # 13

what heaven once looked like

Clash of The Titans
Remember Forget The Titans
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Clash of The Titans is unwatchable in 3-D, unwatchable in 2-D, 1-D or any other dimension that’s humanly or godly possible.  Imagine a mis-mash-up of HBO’s Rome, Lord of The Rings, Avatar and King Kong, but carbon monoxide copy versions of all of them and you might begin to have the slightest idea of what out loud laughable garbage yer getting yerself into.  Yet you should even come close to getting yerself into a theater that’s playing this.  It’s so lazy and bland and boo that it makes the putrid 300 come off as klassic as Homer’s The Odyssey.  We’d rather waste 12 hours trying to win Nintendo’s bare bones Kid Icarus than ever dare watch this again with a bag of a kid’s licorice.  You’d think that the addition of 3-D would be a gift of the gawds, but it actually helps (or hurts) to show juss how poor and flat the CGI effects were constructed.  Hell, those effects are so busted that they even make the orignal Clash of The Titans look as mindblowing as Terminator 2.   Do yerself a flavor this weekend, skip this, stay home on Saturday and watch yerself a real sword and sandal, man vs immortals epic that still rocks the cashbar 50+ years later: Cecil B. DeMille‘s Ten Commandments

Louis Leterrier is no DeMille, and Sam Worthington‘s time on Middle Earth is coming to end (who keeps hiring this two-note guy? he’s like a less annoying Gerald Buttfingerer in the body of a roided up Pierece Brsnon) and Ralph Fiennes should win 9 Razzies and the only thing about Liam Neeson that shines here is his stoopid armour and Gemma Arterton is cute, but you can also remove the ‘e’ since her and her character should have been cut and Mads Mikkelsen should be mads at his agent and Luke Evans and Liam Cunningham might be the same person and Hans Matheson is Mans Hatheson and didn’t Polly Walker already do this regal lady of the kingdom thing on Rome (WATCH ROME OR ELSE!)  and Jason Flemyng was phlegmy and Pete Postlethwaite carries no weight here and what did the two kids from Skins (Nicholas Hoult & lil sis Kaya Scodelario) do to deserve this?  No one deserves this.  Remakes should either juss remake the original verbatim or up the ante for a whole new generation of people who never bothered to see the original version.  Neither option was applied here.  Actually nothing was applied here. It’s NO myth

Kid & Play: play Kid Icarus

Verdictgo: wurst in show aka Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Titans nash-ills in a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

• Gotta love the geniusessez behind Superman Returns. First off, they dissed Tom Welling (the world’s greatest living actor) and cast Brandon Rououththuouth to play the Man of Steel. Secondlee, they hired Kevin Spacey to play Lex Luthor. That’s about a great a call as sitting thru 6 consecutive watchings of his Beyond The Sea while having spiders poop tunafish juice into your mouth. And third and finalee, they went with Kate BOOsworth, instead of Cuthbest, to be their Lois LAME. I guess the one good thing to come out of this is to reveal to all how FOOOgly Kate truly is. Look at this pic. She makes Margot Kidder look like Nicole Kidman humping Kid Icarus (bee leave me, that’s HOT, like Pat O’Brien HOT). Anywho, if yer eggcited for the new flick, unlike yours surly, peep out these two booty-arsed vids from the Superman Returns set. [pic via Double Vikes]

• Speaking of… wanna see me AND Cuthsplurt in the flesh @ the same place @ the same time? Get yer tickets abs to the SPECIAL SCREENING of House of Wax, aka HOUSE OF A$$, at the Try-Beck Film Fest ASAP!

• What the fork is going on with CP’s SummerStage this year? They haven’t updated their site, yet they have already mcnabbed Kelly Clarkson, The Killers, Death Cab for Cutie, and many mo. [via B-lynn V-gn & Let The Good Times Tootsie Roll]

• Happy 21st HFutureRT The III(?) [NSFW]

• What could possib-drew-bly be wurser than any scene in Episode III? The deleted ones.

• First the Archdukes, and now the Kaiser Chiefs’ blab about their next album bein’ Dylanesque? I wonder if they’ll both thank Jesus, or would that be too unoriginal?

• Cookie Monster advocates healthy eating? That doesn’t sound like the blue maniac we all know and adore. I bet this wasn’t his idea, but the dude who has his hand shoved up his a$$! [via Barrister Bill]

• Rooney gets all papal with the papers, the papers!

• Boo

• Cold Duff

• Lesley Ann Warren, 112 years old and I still heart you! Is there a way I can pay you to laught that laff of yours into my ear for days on end?

• DCers, BOSers, NYCers, and CHIers: see The Usual Suspects, as always, fo free.

• What will u look like in 40 years?

• Playing with nipples is fun! [NSFW via Brawny Man]

• Never truss a man with a mustache. But always feel free to enjoy one rockin out in the woods with Native American dancers. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Watch Napoleon D dance in 1s & 0s (or is it Xs & #s?)! [best viewed in IE via Baby Bullster]

• Draw a pig and learn about yoself. [via G-Mask]

• And I muss say, I juss completed one dem weekends that was as letter purrfect as a purloined letter. Not only was Curious George’s mum in town to turn my frown upside down, but so was the illustrious and lustrious Trent. Our meeting was ALMOST as monumental as when the Beatles & Elvis hooked up in ’65. The dude effin rox, like I even needed to mention it. There was so much happening and leg humpining that I’m sirprized my eyes and legs are still intact. Me repeated last Sunday on Saturday (Basquiat/Junior’s food coma, a muss deadly duo), also hit up the Arbuszz & the importance of being Max Ernst-awesomeness at the Metski, was bedazzled by my gal Ostrow’s and many others’ works at Hunter College’s MFA open studios, foam-a-ed at the mouth whilst walkin thru the MoMA, and gave some love to Larry Clark @ the IPC, which reminded me how forking hotingy Chloe Smellingny use to be. Think it ends there? Nope. Shaved the fu-manchu and gots my moose hoose on with the Fiery Furnaces for the second time in 3 nights. The Webster Hall show kicked the ba-liztex outta Thighsday’s show at N6. If I could marry a band, I would marry them.

Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well, the real treat to all the tricks I turned, was frynally seeing one of my alls times flavorite movies on the big screen: A Clockwork Orange, as a part of Landmark Sunshine‘s midnight series. Wowski! I appreciated this viewing so much more than the 328478 other times I viddyed it welled. Now I want to see every beloveded movie from my past in theaters (yes, even Leonard Part 6). You should have seen how huge the smile on my face was (cept the rape and the eye clamp shiz). It was juss so stankin cool to be in a large room with a bunch of other random people, laughing and govoreeting at Mr. Deltoid bangkoking dear Alex and saying ‘m’yes’ over and over. Did I mention how much I loves me them crizz-azy arsed lightbulbs that everyone has in their Clockwork homes? And did anyone know that the nekkid lady furniture from the Korova Milkbar was inspired by artist Allen Jones’ work? I’d buy that for dollar! Or this car.