The Lobster
Super Hurry Animals
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

In a sorta near future, if you aren’t paired up with a significant other, you will be turned into an animal – of your choice, naturally.  Mustached Colin Farrell was recently dumped by his wife and so he needs to partner up, or animal on out for the rest of his life.  He goes to this seaside hotel run by Olivia Colman (still one of the best actresses no one knows), which helps to pair off people, or turn them into animals.  But the time to do so is limited.  If Colin doesn’t find a mate in 45 days or less, he will became a lobster (hence the film’s title).  His brother is already a dog (ever wonder why there are so many dogs??), and he brings him along on this last ditch human effort.  Others have to go thru the same drill, including some really dour and desperate souls like Ashley Jensen, Ben Whishaw, John C Reilly, and the adorable Jessica Barden

The hotel is an oddball pacifying paradise – like The Village from The Prisoner, with forever overcast skies.  Within its doors, they stage awkward dances and even more awkward demonstrations, trying to get these folks to couple up – and offer plenty of outdoor activities too, including hunting those who have failed and escaped the grounds.  If you hunt and kill one of these escapee loners, you get bonus days to stick around.  If you don’t, the clock continues to tick, and pretty soon your days as a Homo sapien are numbered

And so after awhile, after Colin has tried and tried and tried, and failed (the heartless Angeliki Papoulia provided no help), he decides he doesn’t want to be a lobster, and he flees for the woods, and taken in by loners Léa Seydoux and Rachel Weisz.  But a (un)funny thing happens on the way to being lonely – he falls for Weisz, and she for him, and that’s not suppose to happen, and even more things happen from there, and there you go

For the first 30 or so minutes of Yorgos Lanthimos first English language feature, when we’re in that wonderous hotel, I thought The Lobster was itching its way to being the kinda movie I endless love and never shut up about.  It had happened once before with Lanthimos’ Dogtooth, which is one of the mos fcuked up flicks I’ve seen this century, but as The Lobster claws its way outside of that hotel, something got a little lost in translation, and became a little long in the tooth, but I’ll excuse it, cause The Lobster is unique and imaginative, and often fun, and always keeps you on your toes, and that can’t be said of a lot of movies that come out today.  I give it bonus points for being different, and it doesn’t even really have to try – it juss is different

These lonely love seekers aint no superheroes – they’re super-zeroes, and I’d rather count on them and their sad weirdness, than the good guys saving the cinematic day.  MARVEL OVER THAT, YO!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lobster shacks it up currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Spectre
Bland, James Bland
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 148 min

I’m digging the origin digging going on in these Daniel Craig James Bond flicks.  Sadly, I’m not fully digging on all of the films.  With the 4 Craig flicks – it’s been GREAT! (Casino Royale), then BLAH! (Quantum of Whatever), then HECK YEAH! (Skyfall), and now – with Spectre – it’s like ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A total snoozefest!!!!!!!!!!

All I remember is like Bond driving a car in Rome or something, and seducing Monica Bellucci in all of 5 seconds and then she’s gone from the movie, and then Bond goes to some snowy place, and then he goes to another snowy place and then like wants to help Léa Seydoux cause she’s hot, and then they have to go to Tangiers or something and then there’s a mouse, and a hidden room, and then they go to the desert and cross paths with Christoph Waltz as a nehru jacketed doctor of evil [spoiler alert]

and then?  I dunno – some kinda conclusion that’s not conclusive, or interesting

I like the rebooting of the Bond character – but it’s time to hit the reboot button again.  Maybe they should try to go ultra-cheesy and do a throwback to the Roger Moore days.  Why not even do a Bond period piece?  Or Bond as a ninja??  Everyone loves ninjas.  Or Bond orbiting Uranus????

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badger

Spectre is not so spectre-tacular at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

every female that appears in a Bond movie is a Bond Girl, and so here be…

the Bond Girls of Spectre

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Léa Seydoux

Madeleine Swann

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Monica Bellucci

Lucia

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Stephanie Sigman

Estrella

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Adriana Paz

Mexican Woman in Lift

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Brigitte Millar

Vogel

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Noemi Krausz

Snowboarder #1

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Marie Fee Wohlmuth

Snowboarder #6

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Lili Epply

Snowboarder #7

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Lara Parmiani

L’Americain Manager

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Jill Buchanan

London Business Woman 

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Leila Elbahy

Business Woman Passerby 

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Neve Gachev

Clinic Patron

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Yumiko Hanasaka

Whitehall Commuter

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Rogers Leona

Business woman

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Joanne Manchester

Business Woman

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Conny Sharp

Corpse Bride 

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Ruolan Zhang

Clinic VIP Guest

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Sid Man

Boss, Palazzo meeting

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
This Review Will Self-D-Suck In 5 Seconds
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Fourth time’s a charm, if you choose to accept it.  It’s true!  After 3 failed missions, Mission Impossible 4 is the best of the series, but that’s almos like saying that getting gonorrhea is better than getting cancer or AIDS!  Good work Brad Bird???  OK, so this movie is overly long, and loses any sort of steam it had steaming after Tom Cruise does that thing on that building in Dubai and then runs wild in a sandstorm, but it’s OK cause it’s all OK, instead of being beyond awful.  Even if Jeremy Renner feels out of place, and Anil Kapoor‘s appearance is pointless, and Simon Pegg‘s quips aren’t all that quippy, cause Michael Nyqvist is such a perfect scowling Euro-trashy baddie, like he was in Abduction, and Paula Patton is hot and even hotter when fighting Léa Seydoux!  OK! OK?  Sure!  Whatever!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Mission is mos possibly playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…