Hugo
Méliès-y Shady of Winner
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 127 min

So, there’s this orphan kid (Asa Butterfield) who lives and works in the clocks of a Parisian train station.  When he’s not being chased by Sacha Baron Cohen with a mustache, he’s trying to re-build Bicentennial man.  When he’s not doing that, he’s stealing stuff from cranky ole toymaker Ben Kingsley.  When he’s not doing that, he’s hanging out with Kingsley’s ‘daughter’ Chloë Moretz, who is way too mature hot for being a 14 year old.  399393939 movie hours pass of them two kids running around, causing minor mischief and making endless lil ragamuffin faces, while also borrowing books from Christopher Lee, and listening to a bearded Michael Stuhlbarg talk about his boner for pioneer filmmaker Georges Méliès

Wait, what does Méliès have to do with all this?  Well ya see, Kingsley is not only a cranky ole toymaker, but HE’S ALSO GEORGES MÉLIÈS!!!!  But he doesn’t care about movies anymore, CAUSE OF WORLD WAR and MOVIES BEING TURNED INTO SHOES or something, but the kids care and so does his wife (Helen McCrory) and so does Martin Scorsese, who turns the last brilliant third of this movie into a love letter to early cinema AND a giant PSA for film preservation!!

moral of the story: it’s a kid’s movie where all the great stuff is about the adults.  the kids stuff should have been thrown out the window and this baby shoulda been all about Méliès, cause Kingsley hands in a f#$king crowning achievement performance as the cinemagician.  also, there should have been a naughty sex scene between SB Cohen and Emily Mortimer.  also, the 3-D is not as great as everyone’s making it to be.  also, they should have cut out 98% of the kids stuff and replaced it with 3-D clips of how hot Louise Brooks was, or maybe with some modern 3-D hotness like this!

Toying Around: art imitates life

Verdictgo: last third is beyond breast in show, but the first two-thirds keeps it a Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Hugo is quasi-moto-awesome currently in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

but before we go, imagine if Asa and Kodi Smit-McPhee switched Chloë movies!!!  LET THIS IN!!!

Chloë 9ever!!!

the year was 2010.  movies were shown.  a lot em had to do with women in trouble, some blurred the lines between fiction and fact, a bunch were needlessly retrofitted to 3-D, and in the end, they were all juss a bunch of movieses.  18 of these flicks were bester than the others, and in our mumble opinion, we giveth you…

The Barely Legal Eighteensies

1) Black Swan

Natalie Portman masturbates!!!  that single sentence is enuff bestness for being bestest of the year bestnness worthy, but how about the meticulous Darren Aronofsky accomplishing the impossible task (more so than making a movie about the making of a website interesting) by making a movie about the ballet udderly mindblowing???? we haven’t been this psychologically broken since Jacob’s Ladder!  she WAS perfect! so was Vincent Cassel

2) Fish Tank

Coming of age in plastic America is for wussies, but coming of age in chavish England is sum real tough shit.  juss ask Fish Tank‘s heroine Mia Williams.  Hactually don’t ask her, and simply watch and marvel at Katie Jarvis’ embodiment of her heart & soul, and in the process hand in the finest performance of any actor we saw this year, in one of the most vastly under-seen dynamite films of the year!!!

3) Enter The Void

Once you enter, you will never exit, and if you are able to somehow exit, we’re sure the gift shop would be filled with nothing but hallucinogenic neon cum drops.  Still want to enter?  Who knew that Gaspar Noé could out Gaspar Noé Gaspar Noé!?!?!?!  This one will be talked about for ages, even if we never want to see it again, EVER.  had we hactually enjoyed it, it probably woulda been our true pick for #1.  9reals

3.5) Dogtooth

Saw this one a lil too late, but it’s never too late to add the 3.5th bestestest movie of 2010 to the breast of list, cause dude, DOGTOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) Blue Valentine

You Always Hurt The One You Love

5) Carlos

319 minutes never felt so well used.  Carlos is the little brother of Zodiac & Munich, and those are 2 of the finest films of the past decade!! now can someone make a killer Patty Heart flick?

6) I’m Still Here

We saw it before the jig was up, and even with the knowledge that it was all hoax, we still want to believe in the self-loathing and destruction of Joaquin Phoenix.  This is Spinal FAT!

7) The Social Network

It was great and all, but it’s still no Zodiac

8) Waking Sleeping Beauty

The House of Mouse stewed in a black cauldron for quite awhile, until the beast was magically turned back into a beauty once again.  If you’ve ever seen and loved a single Disney cartoon, you owe it to yourself to watch this amazingly honest tell-all

9) The Red Riding Trilogy

To the North, where they did whatever the bloody hell they wanted to do!!!  Part 1, In the Year of Our Lord 1974, was the cream of the trilogy crop, but all 3 puzzle pieces are required for optimal picture quality

10) Best Worst Movie

A title that’s more apt than Apt Pupil, even if you’ve never even heard of Troll 2 before.  No worries, as they catch you up on the forgettable then and the unbelievable now, and it’s all for a wonderful eternity.  George Hardy, best wurst dentist/actor EVER!!!!!!

11) Exit Through The Gift Shop

What is art?  What is a documentary?  What is Banksy‘s next cinematic move? And WHEN can we see it???

12) The Eclipse

Two things you are unaware of: Ciarán Hinds is the greatestestest living actor AND The Eclipse is 28393902 bajillion times better than anything having to do with vampires, werewolves and the pointless girl they all want to bang

13) Another Year

‘a film by Mike Leigh’ is all you need to know

14) The King’s Speech

We still want to give this movie a giant hug

15) Let Me In

The rare ‘American remake is better than the foreign original’ type dealio!!!!!

16) The Agony & The Ecstasy of Phil Spector

Courtroom drama is flawlessly juxtaposed with some of the mos eternal music ever recorded, and we all finally learn what the deal with this is/was!!!!! #BenWallace

17) Life During Wartime

It’s a sequel of Happiness, with all new actors AND vibrant colors!! how did this work??  dunno, but it did!!!

18) Step-Up 3-D

Even more so than Jackass, this is why 3-D was re-invented. BFAB 4 Life!!! 10reals!!!!!

and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

127 Hours (look ma, no arm!), Animal Kingdom (bloomin onions!), Cyrus (John C Reilly & Jonah Hill were made for each other), The Ghost Writer (free Roman Polanski!!), The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (Män Som Hatar Kvinnor) (guess what, she has a dragon tattoo!!!), Harry Potter 7.1 (best since #3!!!), Heartbreaker (the inevitable American remake will suck), Jackass 3-D (duh), Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (what she said), The Tillman Story (operation freedom of information), Somewhere (it’s Lost In Translation, but hactually really darn good!), Toy Story 3 (duh pt 2), TRON 2 (bestest Daft Punk video everrrrrrr), Vincere (2 facist, 2 furious), When You’re Strange (faces come out of the rain!!)

stay pooned for our final Movies 2010 installment, when we drop a bunch of awards on people like it’s a hot lunch!

perv-iously on Thighs Wide Movies

2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002