Thighs Wide Shut

The Other Woman
Woeman
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Hey look, it’s Natalie Portman, in a movie!!!!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, now didja???  Don’t worry, she aint gettin busy with Ashton Kutcher in this one, and she is back in the bustle & muscle of NY, but no tutu frutu bidness this time round, but she does gots herself a different bundle of pressures & worries, but watching her go thru them and dealing with em here aint nearly as awesomes or satisfying as watching her masturbating.  Can’t that juss be a requirement of all of her movie roles going forward?  Damn you The Other Woman for having none of that finger sticking goodness!!!

Her pressures & worries here include be: getting over the death of her newborn daughter (is this Rabbit Hole 2?  did anyone actually see Rabbit Hole 1?), not annoying her husband (normal, yet strange to get a grip on actor Scott Cohen), whom she stole away from his controlling first wife (Lisa Kudrow, in full-on fun bitch mode), and trying to win the approval of their offspring and her stepson, a highly intelligent, thighly awkward Jesse Eisenberg in training (Charlie Tahan, who is also the reincarnation of Steve Zahn at age 13, and also real-life brother to fellow actress Daisy Tahan).  Shiz aint certainly easy, and disappointingly enuff, Portman aint eggzactly up to the task here (not to be confused with Steve Tasker).  She’s too white swan, and not enuff gray swan!!!

The movie’s directed by Don Roos (The Opposite of Sex), from a novel with a better name by Ayelet Waldman, and while we don’t expect explosions from a $7 budget, we do expect something a lil more than something that feels like a first feature that has problems trying to sort out all of Portman’s problems that she’s having problems trying to problem solve (maybe that’s one of the reasons that this has been sitting on the shelf for over 2 years!).  Still, can’t really hate on a movie that employs red-headers Lauren Ambrose and Anthony Rapp (we’re not gay, but we fell in love with him when he was a teen in Adventures In Babysitting), and that Charlie Tahan kid is totally a fantastic lil budding actor who one day may be the next Steve Zahn, if he isn’t already Steve Zahn!?!?!??!?!

and apparently we’re not alone in this Tahan-Zahn thought!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Woman aint something Otherly today in NY/LA only, but is already avails on-demand!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…