Thighs Wide Shut

Furious 7 (7 Fast 7 Furious)
Sky Driving & Crying
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

Furious 7 is ultimately the greatest movie ever, but is it the greatest Fast and Furious movie? I don’t think it’s as amazin as #6 was is, and to be perfectly honest, I kinda don’t like the new direction they went in for #7 – more guns and blammo and less cars and jammos.  YES, there is still plenty of car stuff for the motorheads, but when did our Furious crew need to turn into Jason Bourne/GI Joe and play a bunch of Patriot Games????  That kinda dumb suff started when The Rock showed up in the series, but it’s fastly getting even more and s’mores redonkulous.  I mean, wtf is going on here???

We have a need for speed, not drones and helicopter shoot-outs.  Guess the filmmakers said, well, after #6, we have no where to go but up… in the air.  And yes, there’s a slick ass scene of cars flying thru da air, and another where cars fly thru buildings (AND IT’S ALL AWESOME!!), and anything else you can imagine, and then they threw in a bunch of other over the top stuff which is anything else I guess they imagined… like, hey, we need two pointless bad guys, and we also need a slick-haired Kurt Russell in dis movie for no reason!

Am I complaining?  No, but we’re about 1-14 robots away from this franchise turning into the digital eye-fcuk-sore that is the Transformer movie series, and I’m not too thrilled about it.  BUT, I am all in, and always will be, until they stop making these

+ their goodbye to Paul Walker was fitting/kind/loving/CG awkward but acceptable, and it is what is, although they totally should bring one of his brothers on board for #8

+ this new addition is super crazy/beautiful sexy cool

  

+ they finally acknowledged Lucas Black and Little Bow Wow exist in the FF universe!!!

and for #8?  why not go old school and do some sort of Cannonball Run cross-country fun-a-athon???? Tyrese is thighlarious, and they should take more advantage of that, ramping up the laughs and car chases, not the guns and dumbo

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Furious air mails it in at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

42
Artful Dodgers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 128 min

42 – the story of Jackie Robinson(‘s first year in the majors) – is exactly like Trouble With The Curve, except 42 is really dang good and Curve is really stupid, and instead of an crotchety old man played by Clint Eastwood, we get an old man who sounds like he’s crotchety played by Harrison Ford, and instead of Justin Timberlake being the würstest wannabe play by play announcer of balls thyme we have John C McGinley eloquently barbing like Red Barber, and instead of Amy Adams looking not hot, cause she’s kinda plain like plain yogurt on a plane, we get Nicole Beharie who makes us want to bat our eyes and bunt our balls, and instead of a bunch of dumb actors playing baseball players, we have Chadwick Boseman totally chad wicking the bose as Jackie Robinson, MAN!!!!  Wait, what am I even talking about?  STEAL SECOND!

42 could have been a cornball flick about a dude who did important stuff, like being the first black dude to play major league baseball in a sea of nuttin but whitey fords, but it wasn’t corny at all (ok, so there was a LIL corny-corny-ness-ness, like when a lil black boy in the grandstands says cheesy corny corny cheesy things, but it’s OK, cause he meant well, and the kid didn’t write the corncheeseball dialog).  And even if Harrison Ford hams it up, wrapped in bacon, it’s his (Branch Rickey) story as well, cause he had the balls to put a black dude with white dudes (like Pee Wee Herman Reeses Pieces Lucas Black!), cause he wanted to win, and he knew that white dudes suck at sports.   It’s true  (apologies to white people).  So Rickey/Ford & Robinson/Boseman take chances on each other, and make giant leaps, and the audience is so hooked, lined, and sinker-balled, that we never want them to land, and when they do, they’re safe at home, cause they scored, and we cheered!!  Go home team!!  Especially the home team with the one black dude and 38832 crappy white players!!

The movie doesn’t take risks, but it still rewards.  Nice work Brian Helgeland, although I’m sure somewhere Spike Lee wants to bat your face in cause yer a white guy doing a movie about Jackie Robinson, but Jackie Robinson is not juss a black story, it’s a black AND white AND read all over story.  It’s a story of us, the US-A.  We’re not perfect, but sports is where we level our playing field.  Are there any other sports puns I can make?  Christopher Meloni balks and talks, and Alan Tudyk clears the benches, by doing the mos thankless acting job in the movie – being really really realy racist to Jackie while he was trying to hit a baseball.  Well, Tudyk’s character and racism STRUCK OUT, cause black, yellow, red and white dudes all play baseball together, and it’s awesome, especially when the Ws are mad curlied

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Worth A Peepers

42  adds up at a theater near jews this Friday 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Get Low
Six Feet Underdone
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Robert Duvall is an old man.  In Aaron Schneider‘s Get Low, with script by Chris Provenzano & C. Gaby Mitchell, he gets older, and crankier, and beardier and hermitierer and talks to animals at his cabin compound deep in the woods.  One day, after visiting the town, and realising that everyone thinks he’s a nutter and a million other things, from stories passed down and along, he decides it may be time to set the record straight before he perishes.  So he decides to have a funeral… WHILE HE’S ALIVE!!!!  SNAPPPPPages!!!!  Interesting idea!!!  So he hires local funeral parlorists Bill Murray (providing much needed, albeit mild comic relief) and Lucas Black (who always looks like a bewildered kid in any movie he’s been in) to take care of all the details.  And there are lots of details cause Duvall wants a big party and a raffle, with the winner taking all of his lands!  Damns!!  Sounds like we got ourselves a rootin-tootin hootenanny on our hands!  We do!  But we don’t!!

Duvall’s hiding something and we wait and wait for him to reveal this hidden secret, and although all of this hullabaloo is upsetting to old flame Sissy Spacek and old pal Bill Cobbs (not Bill Cosby), it’s most upsetting to us, the dear viewer, when we finally find out what it be and it be something not really worth the waiting around for.  Damns!  Oh well.  The picture is still a pretty one, dripping with sepia tones of home, and Duvall is grand as the licking his lips, mumblin bumpkin, and Bill Murray is Bill Murray, so we guess you could get down wit Get Low, but we just wished they aimed and got a lil higher

Tennesseein’ Is Tennebelievin’: this flick was actually based on the true story of Felix ‘Bush’ Breazeale, who threw himself a funeral party before he dieds!! here’s a pic of his gravestone and here’s a pic of him at the party!!!  Sometimes the truth is stranger and mo interesting than fiction!!!

[pic via TSLA]

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Low stays purty low in NY & LA only this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…