Thighs Wide Shut

Spider-Man: Homecoming
The Kid Stays In The Picture, And Then The Picture Strays From The Kid
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Somehow it took five Spider-Man movies to get us to this point – a sixth movie that FINALLY gets Peter Parker right.  Tobey Mags and Andrew Garf were fine and all, but they didn’t seem like a teen doing teeny things.  They were already too old to be properly naive and out of their depths.  Tom Holland makes for such a perfect PP that he will now forever be Peter Parker in my mind’s thigh.  YOU GO LIL TOM HOLLAND!!

They may not have gotten Aunt May right, but they definitely have gottzen Aunt May HOT!!!!  UM HELLO Marisa Tomei.  why aren’t you and your tight clothings in every movie???????

and while the high school stuff was super great (the very non-actory Jacob Batalon as Peter’s BFF felt refreshing), and Michael Keaton as Birdman/Condorman/Johnny A$$holely was a pretty good bad adversary (with a nice lil twist with him in da plot), there were some stuff that I didn’t care for whatsoever…

like the forcing of Zendaya and Donald Glover into this movie.  She serves no purpose in this movie (BUT MAYBE IN FUTURE ONES!!????), and Donald Glover was only in it cause he and the internet wanted him to be Spider-Man years back, and so you have to give him and the internet what they want, right???

And the real reason there’s more Spider-Man, even though we really don’t need more, is not only cause it’s easy $$$ to make, but really to drag poor Spidey into the web of the rest of the existing Marvel cinematic universe, and therefore render the kid into another cog of the already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too bloated Avengers posse

This Spider-Man movie excels when it focuses on Peter and Spidey, but gets muddled and repetitive once Robert Downey Jr‘s ironic Tony Stark and lame lackey Jon Favreau rear their ugly heads here there and everywhere in this picture  

By the time the smoke clears at the end of the movie, after yet another gigantic battle with too many explosions and public property destruction, you no longer feel like you’re watching a Spidey movie - just another brick in the Marvel wall.  Tear down that wall!!  These superhero movies are losing their super-ness.  Spidey Homecoming felt like a step in the right direction, only to arrive at a destination we’re sick of visiting

Cool end credits though!

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey senses tingle a bit at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Crazy, Stupid, Love.
It’s Not So Complicated Too
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

Are you a fan of Steve Carell(‘s sad sack funny guy shtick), Ryan Gosling(‘s serious hotness), Julianne Moore(‘s less is moore approach) and/or Emma Stone(‘s beyond sexy Daisy Duck eyes)? If yer a human being living on planet earth and go to the movies, then the only answer can be ‘yes, to all the above‘.  If not, you might be Hollywood Elsewhere.  Crazy, Stupid, Love is not crazy, nor is it stupid, and nor nor did we out right love it.  BUT, if you love (or even juss like) Carell, Gosling, Moore and/or Stone, then you will dig on them digging on each other.  Here’s another litmus test –  Did you like It’s Complicated?  If you did, you will like CSL.  Nuttin fancy, juss cute people making cute.  No harm, no foul.  Lots of smiles, and if there aren’t smiles, you know eventually that those frowns will be turned upside down

So what’s this movie about?  Who even cares, but we will say that there was a lil bit of a twist that even took us by sirprize!!!  And that sirprize isn’t that Josh Groban is pretty decent at playing a dork, or that Kevin Bacon is beyond decent at playing an unlikable person, or that Analeigh Tipton is solid at being awkward, or that Marisa Tomei can make good use of a bad useless role, or that John Carroll Lynch really is the Zodiac, or that Jonah Bobo has an odd name and should totally play a young Brian Wilson in that 5thcoming biopic

Crazy Stupid Hot Chicks: there were plenty on hand, but we’d like to get our hands on these two the mostest!!

Crystal Reed

&

Karolina Wydra

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Stupid isn’t so at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cyrus
Manchild’s Play
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Apparently you all think Get Him To The Greek was rather hilarious.  We didn’t, we’re 101% correct on this, we stand by our census of humor, and you berated us for it.  Fair enuff, since humor is subjective, and we guess you all like to be subjected to crap.  So what if we were to tell you that there was another Jonah Hill flick released 2 weeks after Greek that contained real laughter, based on realistic situations (no furry walls), had this thing called ‘heart’ and makes one cringe endlessly, and we’re not talking about in the way that Greek‘s freshamoronic script made us cringe.  OK, you get it.  Actually, you don’t and that’s why we’re having this lil chat.  Anywho, the JHill movie in which we speak of is called Cyrus (not to be confused with Angus)

Cyrus is more akin to Step Brothers than it is to The Greek (and we’re not juss saying that cause S Bros is also funny, unlike Greek, which if you didn’t realize, is unfunny).  So imagine Step Brothers, keeping the always vulnerable, always puppy dog pathetic John C. Reilly in the mix, but give him a wee bit more maturity and a lot more insecurity, and instead of Will Ferrell, pit him against a deadpan, dead serious Jonah Hill (they sorta look related, right?).  Change the battle from a parent’s love and attention, to the love of Marisa Tomei (Reilly’s once in a lifetime new ladyfriend, and Hill’s overprotective, yet cool mom with whom he still lives with) and what we have here is one of the better romantic (unintentional?) comedies released in Hollywood in quite awhile.  And why is that so?  Cause Cyrus (and Cyrus the character) is unpredictable, and doesn’t star Katherine Heigl or Mr Demi Moore

Unconventionality is the Brothers Duplass (Jay and Mark)’s calling card, but instead of making juss another one of their meandering mumbling mediocre mumblecore pics, they gots themselves a budget over $10 and bona fide actors to work with for the first time.  If these refreshing results are any indication (this is the film that Greenberg was sorta trying to be, but was too irksome for anyone to truly embrace), please get us to anywhere they’re going and not To The Greek

They’re The Men Now Dawgs:  we’re totally mclovin the flick’s sorta official/unoffical website notmileycyrus.com, which totally reeks of You’re The Man Now UP Dog

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Cyrus billy rays today in NY & LA only and elshwere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…