Thighs Wide Shut

Scream 4
Ghostface Knows No Rust
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 111 min

A franchise’s fourth entry, delivered a decade after its forgettable third, is destined directly for the dust bin, damn’i’right?  Such is NOT the case whatsoever with Scream 4, which somehow, someway, somewhy flows fun new blood into a worn body we all left for dead.  Yes!!!  Believe you we, if this movie was any bit a crap-stain, we’d be the first to tell you that it’s the wurstestest!  Wes Craven keeps the dark alight, and Kevin Williamson gets his script data all meta and stuff, and it works works works!  And while most movies like this tire and get all too redonkeloyous as it progresses towards its end, this movie goes in the opposite direction.  You start off watching it going, OK, been there, done that, hardy har, yadda yaddle, but gotta say, by the time we get to the unmasking, shiz was almos as satisfying as eating 8 Snickers!!!!  It’s true!

And the nicest thing about it all?  Scream 4 is like a haven for actors that Hollywood’s lost sight of, and need work, cause there’s nothing wrong with their talents.  Folks like Neve Campbell (we kinda wish this was Sarah Michelle Gellar’s role, so we could see her again), David Arquette (his character and mustache deserve their own spin-off), Courteney Cox (although her face is more frightening than ghostface’s), Marley Shelton (those eyes! THOSE EYES!!!), and even guys like Anthony Anderson (OK, so maybe he gets a lot of work, but it aint all good work) and Adam Brody (we sob for you Seth Cohen!).  Plus you know all the ingénues put on display here will soon enuff be yesterday’s ingé-news, juss like the aforementioned peeps.  Kids like Hayden Panettiere (having the most fun), Aimee Teegarden (FNLILTF: Friday Night Lighter I’d Like To F$%k), Shenae Grimes (her career will probably disappear post-90210-2) and Marielle Jaffe (whomever she is).  There are three kids that we don’t have to worry about, as their chops should keep them in the game for years to come: Alison Brie (she’s kinda prissy one-notey, but we like that prissy one-notey thang she does!!), Emma Roberts (may end up being a better actress than Auntie Julia… which isn’t too hard of a task), and Rory Culkin (Culkin clan aint nuttin to F#%K WIT!).  That kid Erik Knudsen wasn’t so bad neither, even as the film’s most annoying character

Anywho, to slum things up: Scream 4 was not awful, when it could have so easily been, times like 892727378!!  What more do you need to know?

Also, if you’re jonesining for more Roberts-Culkin action, do yerself a flavor and rent the thighly recommended Lymelife

All Hail Hale: sure, Aimee Teegarden is in a league of our groan, and probably deserves this hottie space, but we’ve never seen this Lucy Hale chick before, who’s like a lovefusion of Alexis Bledel and Mila Kunis, and she’s so Hale AND Hearty that her lovely circles get the square!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Scream 4 is currently howling it up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Elektra Luxx
Ultra Suxxxxxxx
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

So, there’s this movie about a porn star with a heart of gold, and a pile of problems, played by everyone’s dream porn star Carla Gugino.  It co-stars the likes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marley Shelton, Timothy Olyphant, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Adrianne Palicki, Malin Akerman, Vincent Kartheiser, Lucy Punch, Justin Kirk, and even tosses in a cameo for Julianne Moore as the Virgin Mary!!  Woah, that’s a ton of foxy ladies and some choice-y male funsters, and it’s sorta about porn!!!  This could be sexy AND fun AND sexy fun!!! Right?

9,000,0,00000,00000,00% WRONG.  Within 2.3 minutes you can tell that this is dread on arrival.  How all these talented actors agreed to be in such a below-amateur production is more mind-boggling than playing Boggle against Dr Mindbender with only ‘Qu’ dice (see illustration at the bottom)!!!  And worst yet, apparently this is a sequel to a movie we’ve never heard of called Women In Trouble.  There must be something to the 1st one to warrant a 2nd pass, but we don’t even want to find out why, or even bother figuring out what secret info writer/director Sebastian Gutierrez has over these actors that he uses to blackmail them into acting in his greasy pieces of cruddddddddd.  There’s already rumblings about a 3rd movie called Women In Ecstasy, or more like AUDIENCE IN MISERY: PART 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Repent For Your Sins: you can make yer own Carla Gugino porn movie by A-B repeating her fine NSFW work in Sin City.  much easier on the eyes and ears than Luxxxxxxxx

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Luxx suxxxxxxxxxxxxx times like 9 bajillion in NY/LA/Boston & Seattle next Friday and hopefully nowhere after that

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

+ Boggle Black Letters photos!

+ Poggle The Lesser!