Thighs Wide Shut

War For The Planet of The Apes
The Great APEscape
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

If War For The Planet of The Apes is the final film of this current, modern Planet of The Apes saga cycle, then director Matt Reeves and co-writer Mark Bomback ended things on a fitting, and very high note.  Sure, War wasn’t nearly as grand or as great as Dawn was, but a lovely finish nonetheless to a refreshing set of movies that started with Rise, and hopefully leaves the door open for more simian sensations in the years to come

I don’t have much of a problem with anything that rages on in War, but it seemed like less of a War and more of an escape from prison flick, wrapped in Apocalypse Now, wrapped in a giant pile of snow.  Come to think of it – Dawn was more of a War Apes movie, and War is more like an Escape Apes movie, which should not be confused with my personal favorite Apes movie of balls thyme – 1971’s Escape From The Planet of The Apes

OK, so I’m gonna complain a lil bit… but when our beloved Caesar (motion-capture maestro Andy Serkis) [spoiler alert] gets captured in this new movie by the latest human menace nemesis Woody Harrelson (who I thought would be terrible in this movie, but he actually made it work), I don’t understand why he doesn’t take out the king of the apes right then and there.  He lets him live, and in turn, give his fellow apes in bondage hope.  Look, I get it.  If he kills Caesar in the middle of the movie, then it wouldn’t make for a good rest of the movie, but I dunno, maybe spice things up a bit?

Well, they did spice things up a bit.  They give us an adorable mute human girl (Amiah Miller) taken in by the apes, who’s like Aliens‘ Newt for a whole new generation!  And that plate faced orange ape Maurice steals the fcuking show and rocks the fcuking house being all smart and sensible and sensitive and juss all around awesome!!!  Oh, and we get a NEW talking ape (Steve Zahn), who’s like the perfect comic relief for a movie that doesn’t have much to laugh at or relief from endless violence!

This new saga covered the Genesis and Exodus of the apes, but where do we go from here?  Planet of The Apes: Leviticus!!!

Verdictgo: high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Go ape for Apes today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Dawn of The Planet of The Apes
Hail & Hearty Caesar!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

Dude, I am all about planets and apes and the’s and of’s.  So when all those things come together- BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZAMO – my eyes and ears and brain may explode!!!!!!!!  They have, and they did!!!  I am so about Planets of Apes.  I’ve seen them all – even the crappy ones – and in some ways, they are all awesome – unless Tim Burton had something to do with them.  20th Century Fox was wise to start over with the dusty and musty Apes franchise.  They did a wonderful job with started over #1 – Rise of The Planet of The Apes – giving us something old, but making it feel entirely new, although I slightly miss seeing men and women in dumb ape costumes!

Well, the old-new juss got old-newer, and iMuss say, even betterer!!!!!!!!!!!  Director Matt Reeves takes over in round 2 with Dawn of The Planet of The Apes, and everything is not only bigger – it’s even betterereeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr.  I know I already said that, but had to say it again, so you know I’m being serious, cause I seriously love this Ape movie, cause it’s even betterererrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Andy Serkis goes ape-sh!t again, but this time the CGI is even betterer than before, making his head ape in charge – Caesar – feel even more realer than the real thing. EAT THAT LANCELOT LINK!!!  These apes feel so real that I got like semi-emotional for them and their family problems, and like want to be their friends and stuff!  They so reals, that I may juss JO to them right now…

OK, I’m back, and so are these apes!!!!!  Trying to make peace with them are humans Jason Dark Thirty Clarke, Felicity Russell and Kodi I look like Meathead from Meatballs Part II Smit-McPhee.  And trying to make war with them are Gary Oldman and Toby Kebbell!!  BUT WILL PEACE AND WAR FIND A BALANCE WHERE MAN AND APE CAN LIVE TOGETHER ON THIS PLANET????  What do you think?  The movie aint called Planet of The Happy Go Lucky Apes & Humans.  Cause if that was the name of this movie, it would be about as exciting as that Ed movie.  But it’s EVER BETTETETEERRR THAN ED!!!!  But I’ve actually never seen Ed, but I would welcome a planet apes movie where the apes play humans in baseball – and the winner gets to own earth!!!  APE BASEBALL > VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Dawn rises big time at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Let Me In
Swede Child o’ Mine Comes To America
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In an era of vampire-overload, not much has really stood out as being exemplary, even if yer teeny Twilights and Southern-burnt True Bloods have proved to be popular beyond reasonable belief.  The chilling little 2008 Swedish film Let The Right One In (LÃ¥t Den Rätte Komma In) was a step in a better, more human direction, and yet we barely thirsted for the blood lust put on display (maybe it was that unforgettable yucky crotch shot that left a bad taste in our eyes!).  A darling of the critics and winner of numerous awards, Hollywood took notice too and decided to give the material a spin on our shores, with Cloverfielder Matt Reeves helming the ship.  The time remains in the 80s, the holm has been shifted from Stock to Los Alamos, New Mexico, but everything else pretty is much the same (the snow! the eerie lighting and dull colors!  the killer pre-hipster hipster wardrobes!), although any sorta Swedish fishes have been replaced with Now & Laters (one of our personal flavorite candies), and thankfully no crotch shot.  And so????  Although it’s basically a carbon copy,  Let Me In > Let The Right One In

YES, the remake works the material better than the original Swedish entry!  And no, the answer has nothing to do with reading subtitles vs not!!  So how then? Somehow, someway, the connection between the bullied, timid, lonely mortal Owen (The Road‘s Kodi Smit-McPhee, dang, this kid sure loves dark material!) and his mysterious, distant and equally lonely immortal new neighbor/playmater Abby (Chloe Moretz, who is the very definition of kick-ass, and the true star of Kick-Ass) is juss stronger, in English, and in New Mexico!!  Maybe it’s the magic in Smit-McPhee’s scared wider-eyes??  Or the uncanny charm of Moretz’ crooked smile???  Put those together and that kind of bond is WORD!!!!!!!  Then there’s all the bonus goodness, like Richard Jenkins, who plays her guardian devil, and occasionally dresses up like a ghetto Zodiac, and is involved in an amazingly filmed car crash scene, from the point of the view of the auto’s interior!  Or how about the always dependable Elias Koteas, who’s dressed eggzactly like Kubrick on the set of The Shining?  Can’t hurt!  And how about the main bully (Dylan Minnette)??  Um, bestestestest teen a$$hole cruising for such a bruising since Scut Farkus, that coonskin capped chap in A Christmas Story!!!!  Let yerself into Let Me In, regardless if you saw the original or not!

Birds of Prey: Cara Buono shows her face and hot bod as Faye Miller on Mad Men, but as Owen/Kodi’s absent onscreen mom, they barely even show her face!!!  luckily we do get to look at Sasha Barrese, and even get to see her boob!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Let Me In sucks blood but doesn’t suck at all at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…