American Hustle
Hustle & (Mostly) Blows
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 129 min

American Hustle sorta tells the story of the Abscam FBI sting operation that took place in the late 70s/early 80s. Some of the names (and details) have been changed to protect the imbeciles. Some of it is entertaining, but most of it is like one REALLLLLLLLLLY long run on sentence that keeps on going and going and going.  Director David O Russell and writer Eric Singer swing for Goodfellas-ian heights, but kinda blows it like 2001’s Blow – all 70s scenery, but not much beyond the sniffy, sweaty surface.  But oh, those surfaces…

like…

hey, if you’ve always wanted to see 1/3rd of good-too-shoes Amy Adams‘s boobs (I never wanted to), then this is the boobie/movie for you!

or see Jeremy Renner smile in a movie, for the first time ever!!!

or be depressed watching Bradley Cooper give his all again (this time with curls!!!), and think about how much bullsh!t it was that he didn’t win best actor Oscar last year for the much better Silver Linings Playbook

and then watch his Oscar-winning co-star J-bLaw blah us to death with her blah acting and eyes that bore her and we to tears

or JO to the thought of a mustache ride from Jack Huston!!!

or watch Alessandro Nivola steal the show, in like a grand total of 6 minutes that he’s in the movie

and look, we all LOVE Louis CK and all, but lets face it, he can’t act

THE ARABIC VERSION OF ‘WHITE RABBIT’!!!

but nothing and nobody tops Christian Bale as a combed-over, hairy chested, big gutted Jewish dude, who hides behind those tinted shades OH SOOOOO WELLL.  BALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Man, CB is such a fcuking great actor.  So much so that I’m starting to think that the Batman movies were a waste of his time.  Anyone can be Batman (I’m sure even Affleck can’t ruin Batman), and since anyone can, we lost the time that Bale coulda been in other movies, like ones were he coulda played some overly intense mother-effer, who’s quietly ready to explode at any given moment.  Bless you Bale.  May you be ready to smolder at any given moment in a zillion movies to come

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hustle American’t currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

30 Minutes or Less
Less Is… Less
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 83 min

Two dumb dudes (Danny McBride &  Nick Swardson) want to become rich, so they take an idea from a stripper to knock off one of the dude’s dads (Fred Ward), inherit his money and become rich!  In order to do so, they need 100K to pay someone to do the killing (Michael Peña), so they come up with their own idea to kidnap some random person (Jesse Eisenberg), strap a bomb to them, and force them to get the money for them!  All hell will break loose, and hilarity will ensue, won’t it?

Ruben Fleischer‘s 30 Minutes of Less sounds like the stuff of comedy dreams come true – a sharp storyline (by Michael Diliberti and Matthew Sullivan), a killer & lovable cast, and a runtime under 90 minutes (wish more movies would follow suit).  So, why then does 30 Minutes feel like a stretch times itself by 3?  Um, cause it’s only mildly funny, and when it is funny, it’s barely funny (Netflix jokes about never watching the DVDs one gets sent in the mail seems so 2004), and yer mainly giving it charity laffs cause you think McBride is funny.  McBride is pretty much doing his Kenny Powers shtick with a game Swardson doing the Stevie Janowski even dumber sidekick thing.  And we know Eisenberg can be funny, cause he is and has (Zombieland, Adventureland), but if he isn’t given the material to be funny, he can’t be funny.  Unfunny Aziz Ansari doesn’t help matters neither.  He’s more of a comedian than an actor (cause he is), and there’s only so much of his over-exciting yelling thing one can take (maybe you dig that, but we don’t)

Sill, there are far worse offending comedies, with lesser talent that have no story to tell.  But still, this felt like a slightly better Cop Out.  What does that tell ya?  Not much AND a lot.  This has rental written all over it

Pakistan Packing Heat:

Dilshad Vadsaria

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

30 Minutes doesn’t go a long way at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Battle: Los Angeles
District Zzzzzzzz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

There are worser alien invasion movies than Battle: Los Angeles, but that doesn’t mean for a second that B:LA is anything above blah.  In fact, B:LA is one of the more boring alien invasion movies we’ve seen in quite awhile.  If we don’t have anything nice to say, we can at least say that B:LA is not as boooooo as 2012 was.  At least B:LA doesn’t dwell too much on having us care about its characters, cause these characters have no character!!!!  And we’re stuck with them the entire time.  You might not even realize that there are aliens in this movie.  Gunfire seems to come out of nowhere, over and over.  And when we do get glimpses of the aliens, they are the least menacing movie aliens in the bidness.  They’re like disposable beings with no purpose, stuck in some easy video game that a 3 year old could play, but shouldn’t bother playing.  We never find out what their true intentions are or really anything about them.  How can we even hate on these aliens if we don’t know shiz about em???

Poor Aaron Eckhart. And why put Bridget Moynahan in this movie if Eckhart doesn’t get a chance to bone her, or at least watch her shower.  And what a waste of Michael Peña and his mustache’s time.  And do you think Michelle Rodriguez every worries about being a one dimensional actor, stuck on automatic in two dimensional movies, and with Avatar, the occasional three dimensional movie?  Oh, and Ne-Yo is in this, but it doesn’t matter who’s in this cause you should juss say Hell-No to this

Chinning: the whole time we were watching this, our mind was elsewhere, still focused in on the chinternet

Verdictgo: Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Little Merit AND No Stinkin Badges (why any merit tat all?  cause it’s not 2012)

you wont love LA today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…