Thighs Wide Shut

6 Fast 6 Furious
Resurrection Intersection Erection
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 130 min

Dude, name me a movie franchise (BESIDES THE JAMES BONDies) that’s still going pedal to the medal in its 6th round.  NAME ONE????  (OK, maybe Star Trek, but Star Trek had so many duds, and they changed the cast multiple times over).  You can’t name one (OK, maybe the original set of Planet of The Apes movies, which are ALL SO GOOD, even the bad ones), and that’s why The Fast & The Furious series may (end up) be(ing) America’s greatest (dumb fun) movie franchise ever (besides the Jackass and Step Up franchisesezes).  You may laugh at that notion, but not even Star Wars could make fun happen 6 times.  Now I’m not saying that all (or any) of the Fast & Furious movies is are masterpieces (two of em are basically worthless – #3 & #4), but for what they are – they are amazing.  They are pieces of (metal) crap, but the F&F movies know this and feed on it, pushing the ridiculousnessness to new extremes each & every time, while actually trying to keep a straight face when doing so.  The result?   Endless laughter and excitement and awesomeness.  You can keep your Whedon Avengers, cause I’ll stick with Justin Lin‘s 6 Fast 6 Furious.  I’ll take a tank exploding out of a truck(!!!) AND a car exploding out of a giant plane (!!!!!) over Superheros ho-hum/humdrummingly destroying CGI buildings (for the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn^th time).  + I’ll take all the crummy dialog that goes along with it

So what’s Fast 6 Furious 6 about?  Do you even care?  It’s like 5, but MORE and BETTER, and even more DUMB and FUN.  But this one’s got Michelle Rodriguez BACK FROM THE DEAD!  HOWWW????  WHO CARES, SHE’S BACK AND SO FAST, AND SO FURIOUS!!!  And they got a good baddie (Luke Evans), and another lady who can kick, and has an ass (Gina Carano), and a super huge Danish dude (Kim Kold) who needs to play The Rock‘s friend or nemesis in every movie he’s in going forward.  But 6ast 6urious isn’t perfect.  They coulda trimmed off about 30 minutes from this thing (like what was with that scene where The Rock and Ludacris make some guy give them the clothes off of his back and his watch and stuff??), and The Rock has a little-lot bit TOO much testosterone for a movie that isn’t short of terone des testos, and that Asian guy is so boring and lame, and undeserving of touching or even looking at Gal Gadot, who doesn’t have nearly enuff nekkid shower scenes (total count – zero), but this is all minor quibble squabbles, which aint nothings to squabble quibbles about when THERE ARE VEHICLES EXPLODING OUT OF OTHER VEHICLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In its 6th iteration, the Fast/Furious franchise seems to be hitting its stride.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!??!?  And after the giant TEASE [spoiler, don’t click] they be showing no signs of SLOWING down for #7.  CANNOT WAIT!!!!  In all honesty, I hope they continue to make these movies for the next 100 years.  If I make it to 90 years of age, I’ll force my grandchildren to take me to see 22 Fast 22 Furious, but only if they drive slowly

Also, Tyrese Gibson is the secret weapon of this whole franchise.  Without Tyrese Gibson, you have nothing.  Tyrese Gibson is life.  Tyrese Gibson needs his own vehicle vehicle movie franchise –  Tyrese Tyfurious.  If there is a god, he will make that happen

oh, and THIS!

Verdictgo: this is a 92728 star movie, but we don’t do stars so it’s BEYOND BREAST IN SHOW!!!

6 Fast 6 Furious rules the streets and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Battle: Los Angeles
District Zzzzzzzz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

There are worser alien invasion movies than Battle: Los Angeles, but that doesn’t mean for a second that B:LA is anything above blah.  In fact, B:LA is one of the more boring alien invasion movies we’ve seen in quite awhile.  If we don’t have anything nice to say, we can at least say that B:LA is not as boooooo as 2012 was.  At least B:LA doesn’t dwell too much on having us care about its characters, cause these characters have no character!!!!  And we’re stuck with them the entire time.  You might not even realize that there are aliens in this movie.  Gunfire seems to come out of nowhere, over and over.  And when we do get glimpses of the aliens, they are the least menacing movie aliens in the bidness.  They’re like disposable beings with no purpose, stuck in some easy video game that a 3 year old could play, but shouldn’t bother playing.  We never find out what their true intentions are or really anything about them.  How can we even hate on these aliens if we don’t know shiz about em???

Poor Aaron Eckhart. And why put Bridget Moynahan in this movie if Eckhart doesn’t get a chance to bone her, or at least watch her shower.  And what a waste of Michael Peña and his mustache’s time.  And do you think Michelle Rodriguez every worries about being a one dimensional actor, stuck on automatic in two dimensional movies, and with Avatar, the occasional three dimensional movie?  Oh, and Ne-Yo is in this, but it doesn’t matter who’s in this cause you should juss say Hell-No to this

Chinning: the whole time we were watching this, our mind was elsewhere, still focused in on the chinternet

Verdictgo: Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Little Merit AND No Stinkin Badges (why any merit tat all?  cause it’s not 2012)

you wont love LA today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fast & Furious
Not So Fast and/or Furious
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We knew going into the definite article-less Fast & Furious that it wasn’t going to be a David Lean film, but this mindless entertainment wasn’t even close to being as mindless or entertaining as it needed to be. You’d think a fourth installment of anything would constitute everything gettin bigger and badder, so why throw yer thirsty audience something weaker and worser? There be many things mad wrong with this movie, and it really has nothing to do with Paul Walker‘s lack of acting chops or his crisps or Vin Diesel‘s ribbed shirts, for her pleasure. There’s way too much pointless plotting (leave the drug cartel bidness bustin up to Crockett & Tubbs) and way too few car chases and crashes. We don’t care about the drivers, we care about what they’re driving, and the skinny bizatches who get wet when they’re revved up. Speaking of, there was way too little Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster lesbian shower scenes. Actually there were none, but that doesn’t piss us off as much as the wrongest thing about this whole thing: the film wasn’t called 4 Fast 4 Furious. No one takes this shiz seriously, so why not name it 4F4F? As a franchise looking to the future, The Fast & The Furious mos def has wheels, albeit ones that looks mighty tiresome. Hopefully they’ll get it right next time, and at least call it 5 Fast 5 Furious

Gal Pal: meat Gal Gadot, a former Ms Israel who be mad ga-hot!!!

Verdictgo: not sirprizing, but nonetheless still disappointed that it’s Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

4 Fast 4 Furious is currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…