Thighs Wide Shut

Stockholm
Sympathy For The Devilish
Trailers & Mo
R | 92 min

Stockholm syndrome (where hostages end up sympathizing with their captors) – must have something to do with Stockholm, Sweden, eh?  YES!!!  And apparently I never thought to wiki-look that up (which makes no sense, considering how crazed I am for all things Patty Hearst), so was pleased to learn all about its origin in the loopy, fernetic, panicked and fun Robert Budreau film, aptly named… Stockholm!

So…. Stockholm, what happened there?  A guy (Ethan Hawke) robbed a bank, IN STOCKHOLM, in 1973!!  But he wanted more than money!  He wanted a mate (Mark Strong, with a solid wig for his bald dome) sprung from prison, and for both of them to escape to freedom.  As with a lot of robberies (both in real life and in reel life), not everything goes according to plan.  The guy has to take hostages (Noomi Rapace!! + 2 others) in order to get his demands met.  The police weren’t used to this kinda thing, cause these things didn’t really happen in the capital of Sweden, and so confusion and chaos and winging it on both sides ensure.  And as the situation lingers and lingers and lingers, the hostages… start to… sympathize… with their… captors!!!

BOOM!

Lesson learned, and in such entertaining (70s) fashion! 

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Stockholm takes stock currently in limited release 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Alien: Covenant
Fassbender²
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 122 min

I returned from 2 weeks away in Italy, and after a night of attempting to reset my biological clock (it didn’t work), the next morning, the only thing I wanted to do (besides laundry) was see the new Alien movie - Alien: Covenant.  But I think I forgot to brush up on Prometheus before seeing it.  Oooops.  Kinda woulda helped!!!

Speaking of Prometheus, why did everyone hate that movie so much?  Cause the humans were dumb and did dumb things?  Well, what would you have done on a planet you’ve never been too????  Also, who wants to see a movie where smart astronauts avoid getting killed?  Aren’t the Alien movies all about watching humans getting killed by aliens in the most horrific ways possible??? And did everyone forget about how scary and captivating the movie was, and how there was an alien in our hero’s body and she c-sectioned the thing the fcuk out of her and it literally was like the most insane thing ever??????????????

Anywho, Covenant is the next prequelish chapter in Ridley Scott‘s continued attempt to properly resurrect the franchise, while raising new big questions, and introducing us to new dumb humans (welcome Billy Crudup!)  Luckily, the smartest ‘man’ in the room remains Michael Fassbender, and… Michael Fassbender.  No spoilers here, but lets just say, double the Fassbender, double the twisted fun!  And while the new crew includes a nice mix of actors from Demián Bichir to Danny McBride (not as comicy reliefy as you’d think), you know this one’s gonna be all about some short-haired lady, who’s probably going to have a high survivability rate – hello Katherine Waterston!!! 

Yes, hello!  Waterston seems to be in everything these days, but I would say any movie where she is wearing clothes, is a failure, cause she can totally be in a movie without clothes [NSFW]

But there’s something about her in Covenant that doesn’t exactly click, and we don’t feel for her, like they way we did for Prometheus‘ Noomi Rapace.  Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?????  And what’s up with the white engineer dudes?  And the black goo?  And this and that?  

Covenant has more to say than Prometheus, but I don’t necessarily think it’s AS good – but remember, I really liked Prometheus (and you probably didn’t).  The day after seeing the new one, I revisited the Prometheus and I like it more now than I ever have!!!  I mean, again, c’mon, the good doctor gives herself a cesarean section and the thing that comes out of it sucks on one of those white engineer dudes and becomes a fcuking insane alien!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT???  There are aliens in this Alien movie, and we sorta now know how they came to be, and how we came to be, and it’s both beautiful and unnerving, and these are prequels making us think – not making itself STINK

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Covenant agrees with you at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Prometheus
On and Off The Origin of The Specieses
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

Dude, what’s your problem with Ridley Scott‘s Peromoutheosues?  Why do you have beef when this movie is all filet mignon-and-on-and-on til the break-a-break-a-dawn?  This is how quasi-prequels should be made!!!  This is what they should look like.  This is how they should be acted in like.  No cheese, all ruling.  Seriously, what didn’t you like about the best sci-fi movie of the 2000s, and Scott’s biggest and bestest since freaking Blade Runner?  What didn’t meat yer eggspectations?  This movie answers THE question to end began all questions of how we began, and how Alien began!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the movie has theseses!!!!

a not as strong-willed girl with probably zero tattoos who used to be a strong-willed girl with a dragon tattoo!!!!

every woman AND man’s dream – a robot Michael Fassbender who does whatever you want it to do!!!

the opposite of finding Texas Tea/black gold!!

spaceships that look like rotten cashews!!!

SORTA FACE ON MARS THING!!!

batshit crazy rich old white dudes!!

Ryan Atwood’s skeezy brother!!

alien masks almost more alien than this helmet!!

bobbed in space!

this surly a$$hole guy who always plays surly a$$holes!!!

space vomit!

better use of Charzlizezeze Therzon in tight future clothings!!!

speaking of, Leeloo-lish clothings for space hibernating hotties!

&

[spoilerish alert!!!….]

the grossest of gross that could possibly happen to a woman’s tummy!!!!!!

moral of the story – IT’S A PREQUEL THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF SUCKS/STAR WARS EPISODES I – III!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Prometheus is currently lighting fires at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sherlock Holmes:
A Game of Shadows
The Final Problem
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 129 min

Don’t know how we thought the first one was passable, cause it spectretro, it was poo-diddly-poo. You take one look at brilliant modern day Cumberpatched Sherlock and juss know that Guy Ritchie doesn’t deserve to do a thang with Arthur Conan Doyle’s foils & foibles!!!  Well, like it or not, he and Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law are back in a new misadventure and it’s somehow all passable again.  CRAP!  This crap should be crap, so how is it watchable, again?  Jared Harris as Professor James Moriarty is a very very nice touch, and including Noomi Rapace and Stephen Fry in on the fun kinda adds to the fun, even if their characters are kinda marginalized.  And?  Well, they killed off Rachel McAdams’ character, which also added to the fun, cause her character was les würst.  But isn’t any movie that includes a chess scene between two rivals juss one giant sh$t show?  It is, but one that’s covered in fun.  CRAP!

Verdictgo: very low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sherkock is currently playing close to wherever you call Holmes 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Girl Who Kicked
The Hornet’s Nest
(Luftslottet Som Sprängdes)
I Love You, Lisbeth Cooper
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was Star Wars.  The Girl Who Played With Fire was The Empire Strikes Back.  And guess what?????  The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest is… Return of The Jedi!!!  And what does that mean?  Star Wars was an out of this world kickoff, Empire is the shiz, and Jedi, while not eggzactly close to being up to snuff with 1 & 2, is still a very satisfying final chapter of the trilogy.  OK, comparing anything to the Star Wars trilogy is purty darn dumb, but this is indeed Sweden’s Star Wars, cept more political, and with better dialog, but with less Sand People, but with more Swedish people!!!  Bless you Stieg Larsson, wherever you may roam!!

Director Daniel Alfredson picks up the action right where he left it with Fire.  [SPOILER ALERT!!!!  Do not continue reading if you haven’t seen any of the flicks, read the books, or are juss being super lazy and waiting for the Fincher film versions!!!] Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) is an absolute physical and emotional mess after trying to kill her ruthless pops, while her half-monster/brother (Micke Spreitz) has escaped to the countryside!!!  So Lissy spends about half the movie on the sidelines, recuperating at a hospital, while the world around her is about to explode.  Her man Thursday, Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) and his Millennium mag crew (with more attention and love given this time around to Lena Endre) are trying to blow open a story about government corruption that’s directly related to L’beth’s life, but of course the powers that be won’t let that happen, so they want to silence them and L’beth, but that aint gonna happen, cause she kicked a hornet’s nest!!!!  Actually she doesn’t kick much in this movie, especially not a hornet’s nest, but she’s gonna be put on trial for attempted murder, and her ex-psychiatrist (Anders Ahlbom) is a total prick and is totally out to get her, and things don’t look so good for her (do they ever???)!!!  Luckily L’beth’s got Blomkvit’s sister as her lawyer (Annika Hallin, finally given something to do), and two women together totally have more power than one!!!!!!  Especially when one rocks a power suit and the other a wicked mohawk!!!

That’s about all we’ll say, as you can probably figure out where it goes from here, but it aint eggzactly the slaying of the Emperor, the tearful death of Darth Vader, and the party to end all parties on Endor, all rolled into one solid ending.  Hactually, the very end ending was kinda like, whatevs dot whatevs.  Don’t know how it is in the book, but it wasn’t necessairly the mos perfect way to close the door, no?  Maybe Stieg had more shiz planned down the road, or maybe he didn’t, but he’s dead, and that sucks.  Wish that wasn’t the case, cause wethinks L’beth hacker pal Plague (Tomas Köhler) is ripe for a spin-off: The Fat Dude Who Ate Swedish Meatballs & Hacked People’s Computers To Deaths!!!

Cue Ballroom: Niklas Hjulström, who plays the prosecuting attorney, is totally on cue, with his own band Cue!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hornet kicks the trilogy goodbye this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…