Ready Player One
Props Culture
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

At the close of last year, I bemoaned that The Post was material not worthy of Spielberg’s talents.  He’s a great history teacher, but I prefer him as a science(-fiction) professor.  Take his Lincoln, his Bore Horse, his Bridge of Thighs (two of which were good movies), and erase his names off of them.  Let someone else direct those movies.  Give me more of his The Adventures of Tintin.  Did you see that movie?  It was STUNNING.  I wanted him to make 239239239 more of them.  He didn’t, but hey, my post-Post prayers have been answered in his big screen version of Ernest Cline‘s Ready Player One book (which I sadly didn’t read, but now maybe should have).  THIS is the kind of movie Spielbergo needs to direct.  This material isn’t beneath him, nor above him – it suits and fits him perfectly like a Power Glove

Spielberg made his mark in the 80s.  Ready Player One is a movie/book love letter to that time, and even to the movies he made and produced (Back To The Future!  Jurassic Park).  And it feels like a Spielberg extension of the leap he took when he finished Kubrick’s A.I..  A.I. was his love letter to Kubrick, and it didn’t feel like a Spielberg movie whatsoever, and that’s part of what makes it such an incredible undertaking and end result.  I mean, look at this!

And with RPO, Spielberg is free of Kubrick’s ghost and essentially makes his own A.I.

Now I’m not going to say that RPO is perfect – it’s not – it does better with the virtual gamer sh!t than it does with the reality real world stuff, and the ending was kind of a meh drop off, but it’s one fcuking hell of a visual ride that must be taken on the big screen.  My jaw was dropping endlessly, and my eyes kept popping out, not believing the unbelievable things it was seeing (spoiler alert – The Shining stuff alone is worth the price of admission).  It’s like a Tintin adventure for the modern and future-modern times.  Most importantly – it just works.  It works, where other films like it should have worked but just didn’t, like Speed Racer, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Tron: Legacy, Sucker Punch, and even Back To The Future II

And what really worked for me was that it’s a movie that takes place in 2044, but it feels like an 80s movie.  The good guy is our Marty McFly-type (Tye Sheridan, who made his debut with Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life, a visual feast as well), the bad guy is straight out of any 80s movie evil corporate boardroom (Ben Mendelsohn, who should be in EVERYTHING), and the ghost hanging over the whole affair (not Kubrick) is a cross between Steve Jobs and Louis Tully (Mark Rylance, nailing the nerdy awkwardness, kinda like he was Mitch from Real Genius).  Not sure how 80s Olivia Cooke‘s character was, but I love her and her eyes, and it had to be said

Spielbergo, I’m ready for more, player.  So why are you bothering with remaking West Side Story?  Are you too close to George Lucas to touch a Star Wars movie?  You wanna remake something?  REMAKE THE PREQUELS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Player One is Ready for you today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl
Me Hurl and The Dying For This Movie To End
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

I don’t even know exactly how to sum up how much I didn’t like (and basically HATTTTTTTTTTTTTED) this movie, and I really don’t have to bother since David Edelstein somehow captured my thoughts exactly, but…

if you are looking for a crappier version of…

The Fault in Our Stars

but less romantic

that focuses on one of THE most annoying and non-interesting teenage protagonists I’ve encountered in a while (this is not actually him)

who is forced by his mom to hang out with that super adorable girl from Bates Motel, who has nothing to do in the movie cept have big eyes, and eventually shave her head cause she has cancer

and our annoying teen boy gets by in his dweeby high school life with his quirky black friend (think Urkel, but not really.  I juss wanted to post a gif of Urkel)

and together they re-make movies in a way that’s somehow dumber then the ultra-dumb Be Kind Rewind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7C8nHAAs70

and the whole movie feels like the 193482382th Wes Anderson Rushmore rip-off you’ve ever seen

and the movie feels like one giant cancer guilt trip, that isn’t worth taking

and for some reason Nick Offerman is in it, and he’s basically as exciting as the grumpy looking cats he looks like

and if I don’t have anything nice to say, too bad, cause I already said it, but don’t see this movie cause it sucks, besides MAYBE the last last 5 minutes, but getting to that last five minutes is pointless torture, but I will say something nice – the Pittsburgh-regional locations for the movie were AWESOME!  Especially the high school they used!

Verdictgo: f this movie, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Him, Earl and Toe Jam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzes you in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

wait, they making a Bates Motel TV show with Bud Cort, Lori Petty and Jason Bateman???? 

oh wait, they already did and it was totes bad idea jeans, and beyond totes bad reality jeans too!!!

but wait, they’re doing a Bates Motel TV show again?  yeah, but the premise isn’t stoopid or involve Bud Cort or Lori Petty (no disrespect).  it’s about young fidgety Norman Bates and his domineering hot mother moving to a new town and owning a… MOTEL!!!!!!!!!!

wait, isn’t that what Psycho IV with Henry Thomas is was????

kinda, but that movie was made for cable and co-starred female Bill Cosby, so you know it mostly kinda sucks

look, we love Psycho.  it’s in a five-way tie for 2nd greatest film ever (along with Kane, Clockwork, Zodiac and Trainspotting… It’s A Wonderful Life is #1).  we’ve seen all 4 Psycho movies (#2 is actually pretty good!).  we even stayed awake during that dreck where Tony Hopkins was Batman’s Penguin cause it sorta had something to do with Psycho.  we ever read a book about Janet Leigh’s shower body double.  we’d even read a book about the actual shower, if one was written

Psycho is much bigger than one movie or even 4 of them and a failed TV show and a zillion other things.  Psycho‘s a boogeyman we never want to let go of.  we keep going back to the Bates home and that motel and try to figure out why?  and how?  Why Norman?  and how did you get this way?  and why?  and how???

well, we’ve seen the pilot episode of A&E’s new series – Bates Motel, and we never want to check out.  yep, this show gets it (right).  and it’s not cheesy, and there’s no Bud Cort or female Bill Cosby.  maybe the best thing to happen to the franchise was for Anthony Perkins to pass away.  Old Norman Bates has no legs.  But young Norman Bates????  Yes, that’s what we want to see.  Doing stuff with and to his mom, in that house, with that motel at the bottom of it.  But wait, doesn’t this TV show take place in modern times??????  EEEEEEKKK, it does.  But guess what – we quickly got over it, so, so can you, so!  why?  cause this show’s killer and we hope it remains so.  plus Freddie Highmore as young Bates is like Vanessa Hudgens in Spring Breakers = throw away your childish old movie garbage ideas about him and strap on some adult stuff that’s edgy and awesome!!!!!  Oh, and Vera Farmiga as Mama Bates is perfect, cause her eyes have always creeped us out, and now she’s playing a creepy mother of the creepiest character of (PERHAPS) all time

dude, book a room, NOW

+ this girl has mad potential hotness.  hopefully she bones Norman with that thing still in her nose!!