Thighs Wide Shut

Maps To The Stars
A Fine Line Between Glove & Hate
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

If you ever wanted to see what a David Cronenberg Mulholland Drive would look like, you gots it in his Maps To The Stars, a tale of nasty Hollywood players and their hidden secrets and desires spilling all over each other.  There’s washed-up and vulnerable actress (Julianne Moore), who’s haunted by her dead mom (Sarah Gadon), but finds renewed hope in new assistant/burn victim (Mia Wasikowska), who’s back in town after many years away, and about to wreak quiet havoc on her self-help guru dad (John Cusack), mom (Olivia Williams) and bitter teen star brother (Evan Bird).  Add in Robert Pattinson as a hunky limo driver + a lot of movie talk + a lot of creepiness, and everything goes wrong, and it feels (mostly) oh so right.  Incest is best, but it’s the würst, and Mia Wasikowska and Evan Bird are the bestest!!!!  EVAN BIRD!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Stars get geographic currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hyde Park On Hudson
Rushmore 2ish
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

You love Wes Anderson’s Rushmore.  Of course you do.  A sequel will never EVER happen, but what if there was another movie pairing Herman Blume (Bill Murray) & Rosemary Cross (Olivia Williams), but instead of them being Herman Blume & Rosemary Cross, they were FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt?  What if I told you that this movie ALSO included hand jobs (but spankfully not ones given to or from Eleanor Roosevelt)?  Well, that’s sorta what Roger Michell‘s Hyde Park On Hudson is, with some FDR cousin (Laura Linney) loving & royal visiting from those blokes from The King’s Speech (Bertie stuttered here by Samuel West & the not so mum Queen mum by Olivia Colman) tossed in.  This movie is barely a movie, as the plot is basically whether or not the King of England will eat a hot dog or not, but this barely movie is totally watchable, cause Billy Murray as FDR getting mad action while not being able to use his legs is totally watchable.  Doesn’t that sound totally watchable?

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hyde seeks in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hanna
Mum Lola Mum
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

A beautiful and sheltered girl with lightening quick reflexes and an un-licensed license to kill is set loose upon the world to kick some major a$$, with the beyond sweet sounds of the Chemical Brothers following her every move.  Is this our wet dreams come true… or the so-so movie Joe Wright churned out… of his league.  Wright has made one good movie (Pride & Prejudice), one third of a great movie (Atonement) and one that had all the right instruments and band members, but couldn’t eggzactly make a hit song (The Soloist… in retrospect, wethinks our review was a lil too favorable).  Credit to Joe Dubs for tackling something a little bit more fun, and not even necessarily all that dumb, but Hanna is juss another one of his middle of the pack finishing unfinished bidnesses

How could this be?  The movie looks and feels cool, and lil Saoirse Ronan as our titular babe in the woods with the goods is totally a wicked fit (with the bonus of papa Eric Bana as her Mr Qui-Gon Miyagi), but nothing here seems to click or add up to anything worth blagging home about.  It’s not action-y enuff to be an action flick, and its attempts at humor are about as humorous as twelve episodes of Lopez Tonight.  So what is this sorta messy mrs doubt misfire?  A revenge picture with no anger or sense of danger?  An un-professional Professional? A Domino that falls?  Run Lola Run, but running in place? Dogtooth with no bark or bite? Salt that aint kosher? The Boys From Brazil with no balls/zeal? And why all the terrible German accents? Did Tom Hollander do all of his dialect research by watching Sprockets and Udo Kier‘s oeuvre?  Was Udo Kier not available??? And what’s with Cate Blanchett‘s uuuugh-inducing Texas twang?  She’s one sneer away from entering Kathy Batesing it WAY overboardland!!

The only relief comes in the form of a vacationing British family that Hanna latches onto.  Parents Jason Flemyng and Olivia Williams are a good match for each other, her and us, and we were totally digging the vibe of Hanna’s new BFF (Jessica Barden), an OMG WTF bubblegum babbling chav-tastic tween, but all this surrogate sidetracking belongs in a separate movie.  Hactually, most of the fragmented proceedings stitched together here deserve their own individual treatment.  Focus people, focus!!

Remember how TRON 2 worked mostly cause it was one giant Daft Punk video?  Well, Hanna‘s like a 6th rate Chemical Bros vid.  What, was Michel Gondry not available either?  Perhaps he was getting busy with Udo Kier??  UDO KIER!!!!

Caption This!!!:

‘Your Royal Highness, this is that girl who gets raped in that Peter Jackson movie everyone hated, but it really wasn’t that bad of a movie.  Swears!’‘

Verdictgo: it’s passable entertainment, but it could been a contender, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hanna has no sisters at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…