Thighs Wide Shut

Love & Mercy
Heroes and Villains
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 120 min

Depending on how much you love the genius of Brian Wilson will determine how much you love Love & Mercy.  I LIVE for Brian Wilson, so I loved Love & Mercy.  It’s not perfect, and what is besides Popeyes fried chicken, but Brian Wilson wasn’t perfect either, but his music is, and his hair was too

The film zig zags between two periods of his life…

Period 1 focuses on the time when he made Pet Sounds, and then Smile, and then slowly descended into madness.  This Brian Wilson is emobodied heart and soul by Paul Dano

Paul Dano does Brian Wilson SO well, I wish he would spend the rest of his life being 60s Brian Wilson

Paul Dano as Brian Wilson, can we be friends and just hang out and sing about surfing, but not actually surf???  I LOVE YOU!!!

herspecially loved Loved LOVED the parts that showed Brian Dano in the studio making music magic.  It looked like this, but in Paul Dano’s body

and loved AND feared the bits where Brian started to lose it.  SH!T WAS TUFF, YO!!!

–

Period 2 captures Brian Wilson in his alive but kinda vegetated state from the 70s/80s on, when he was under the overly watchful eye AND grip of Dr Eugene Landy – who basically turned Brian into his slave.  Dude was horrible

and horrible dudes are always played by Paul Giamatti , and sometimes with a toupée!

and older, moldier Brian Wilson is now played by John Cusack

when I first saw the trailer for this movie, I was instantly psyched, but I was like, why is John Cusack in this, and why is he the older Brian Wilson?  Why don’t they juss let Paul Dano be both the youthful AND the worn versions of Brian Wilson???

well, those thoughts were thrown right away after watching Cusack do an EGGGGGGGGGGSALLLENT job of being the 2nd period Brian Wilson.  Although I wouldn’t want Cusack to live the rest of his life as 70s/80s Brian Wilson, as I do with Dano and the 60s one

Anywho, a woman comes into the picture and complicates things for all – mainly to the dismay of Dr Landy, but for betterment of Brian’s saneness-ness .  This woman (Melinda Ledbetter) saves his life, and eventually becomes his wife (spoiler!)

Gawd only knows what HE would be without HER!

And she’s played by Elizabeth Banks and Elizabeth Banks is great in this!

moral of the story – Brian Wilson had mighty mighty highs, and mighty mighty mighty lows, and Bill Pohlad‘s movie gives us it all – harmonies and warts, in living color, with much blues  

Surf’s up kids, catch a wave on this and have FUN, FUN, FUN (even though most of it isn’t fun) til the daddy takes the t-bird away!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Love & Mercy is surf’s up yours, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

12 Years A Slave 
Chain In The A$$
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 133 min

Whatever you does, do not bring your significant other to see Steve McQueen‘s 12 Years A Slave, unless you want to go 12 years without having sex.  A most important movie, filled with zero fun, and has about as much rewatchable-ness as Schindler’s List done doesn’t (which means you’ll never want to watch it EVERRRR again).  Actually, after seeing 12 Years, I’ve now had enough of the slavery movie genre.  No mo fo me.  Add it to the list of non-starters, alongside Holocaust pics + westerns + rom coms + anything with vampires or zombies + anything directed or presented by Guillermo del Taco

12 Years is truly important, cause it fo reals happened – it’s what happened to a born-free black man named Solomon Northup, wrongfully turned into a slave.  This story, based on Solomon’s own book, certainly needed to be told (it was once before), but I don’t know if I needed it told to me.  I’m not one for turning a blind eye to things that are horrible in history, but I also wasn’t eggzactly all that interested in having my senses blinded and numbed completely.  Maybe the point is that watching something so hard to take should be exactly that, but c’mon man, couldn’t they have at least cut out 1/4 of the whipping and yelling and awfulness and made this excruciating experience only 90 minutes long???  We know that Solomon (Chiwetel Ejiofor, FINALLLLLLY with a meaty role to match his acting might) will become a slave, and then 12 years later, not be a slave.  And so we’re forced to watch him go from 0 to 12 years, without a clue as to which year we’re in.  If only there was a countdown ticker, so we could get excited about crossing the finish line of this torture-fest 

But hey, look at all those famous actors playing horrible people!!  Solomon gets conned by Scoot ‘Poop’ McNairy! & Taran Killam!, and sold into slavery!  Where he’s chained up with Michael K Williams!  Then sold by Paul Giamatti! To Benedict Cumberbatch!  Who’s plantation-hand Paul Dano! is out of hand and forces Benedict to send Solomon to the much more evil plantation owner (and McQueen regular) Michael Fassbender!  And his nasty wife Sarah Paulson!  Well, at least he can find some sympathy in slaves Lupita Nyong’o! (don’t know who she is, but won’t be soon forgetting her performance), and former slave or something Alfre Woodard!  Don’t worry, things get better once (the film’s producer) Brad Pitt! and his Amish beard show up!  Maybe Brad can save the day!!  But where’s Clooney????  Why can’t the whole Ocean’s 12 crew free the slave of 12 yearss??  Oh yeah, and oh, look there’s Beasts of the Southern Wild alumz Quvenzhané Wallis AND Dwight Henry!  Man, slavery has never been so well cast and acted!  

Am I better for seeing this film?  Maybe better off not.  But what’s been seen was seen, and it aint going away, from my head, or from history.  And oh, that final scene – a scene that packs a super-HEAVY emotional punch that’s equally AS punchy as Captain Phillips‘ UNFORGETTABLE final scene wiz was, making the torturous torture ALMOS worth letting yerself get tortured by

But c’mon McQueen, when are you going to make a ‘happy’ movie?

Verdictgo: hard to watch, but still – Jeepers Worth A Peepers

12 Years is how long it will feel like sitting in a theater watching this, tomorrow in NY/LA/DC/Chicago/ATL/Toronto, and elsewhere elsehwhen

oh, and here are some previous the würstest date movies EVER, reviewed on TWS –  Amour, Towelhead, 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, The Babysitters, Vera Drake & Lake of Fire 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Meek’s Cutoff
Probably Sponsored In Part By ARRID Extra Dry®
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 104 min

Ever see that movie where Michelle Williams loses her dog?  Oh, you mean one of the biggest snoozefests ever put to film?  Yeah, that one.  It was called Wendy and Lucy (please read our review) and the American military have used it to torture people into giving us information.  Yes, it’s really that ungolden slumbers.  It’s so boring that we’d rather sit thru Hebrew School all over again than ever sit thru it again.  Wellllllllllllllllll, apparently that’s director Kelly Reichardt‘s thang.  Fair enuff, if you love the last letter of the alphabet repeated times 838383.  Get the picture?  Don’t think so!  It ALMOST did the impossible and make us not like Michelle Williams, you know, the actress we all adore and admire and wish was our lover, friend and/mother

So what if there was a subject matter so boring to begin with that it would perfectly suit the director’s style and sensibility so dangs well that she couldn’t lose like Parker Lewis or Indiana in 1976.  Guess what, there is, and it happened, and it worked!!!!  We sorta heart Kelly Reichardt now!!!  All is forgiven… sorta!  Her latest subject is people moving westward in search of a better life (actually that was the subject matter of her last 2 movies).  Yeah, but this is 1845, and moving round back than wasn’t easy, cause the west is wild and also mild and filled with nothing!!!!!

3 families are making this journey, and are led by real life Stephen Meek (a grizzly Bruce Greenwood), for who’s path, Meek’s Cutoff, they’re all passing along on!!  There’s the Gatelys (real life super indie droopy faced cutie pie couple Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan), the Whites (moaning Myrtle Shirley Henderson + Neal Huff and tiny Tommy Nelson), and the couple we care and focus on mostest, the Tetherows (Reichardt alums Williams and Will Patton).  They travel slowly by parched day, and unwind even slower by fire at night.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  Occasionally stuff happens, like a wagon’s wheel breaks, or like they think they’re going the right way, but maybe they’re not, but maybe they are, but they still have like zero water!  They even capture an Injun (Rod Rondeaux) and things get a bit more interesting, but then they don’t!

Meek’s Cutoff was like watching everyone’s favorite educational game Oregon Trail (see below) come to life.  That may sound intriguing and boring, and it is!!!  Yet it’s pretty impossible to not walk away from it feeling both mesmerized and thirsty.  Plus how often do you get to see a film displayed in a 1.33:1 square aspect ratio, like our boy Kubrick done did wit some of his flicks with pre-HDTV home video in mind

Blazing Saddles: dude, PLAY THE OREGON TRAIL, Apple IIgs stizz, NOW!!

gawd bless you Minnesota Educational Computing Consortium

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Meek’s is Cut-ON in NY only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Good Heart
Bar None
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

The Good Heart is a European-tinged American movie made by a European (Dagur Kári), but would have probably worked a lot better had it been a European-tinged European movie made by anyone but an American.  Translation: The Good Heart is neither the, good, or hearty on these here shores.  What it is is one fine Euro-fied American mess and a giant waste of the re-pairing of Brian Cox and Paul Dano, who first tangoed so well together in the tuff L.I.E. We usually lay blame of a film’s failure to work on the director and/or writer, and while Kári, who acts as both here, deserves a lot of the discredit, especially with his beyond obvious finale, the main repellent is the usual money bags mcgee Cox.  Given too much curmudgeony duty as a crusty and musty ole barkeep, for apprentice Dano to absorb his barbs like a bored brick wall, Cox sucks balls!!  No wonder they give Andy Rooney only a few minutes cause any more than that would be purge overkilll!!  Also, any movie that kills a cat by way of hanging, with no whyme or reason deserves to be hung out to dry

Thighs Wide Nottie: Isild Le Besco‘s the film’s hottie.  if we don’t bother plastering her face and rack on this site, than she is no hottie #fact

Verdictgo: we liked how the film looked, juss not much else, so a very loooow Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Heart goes pitter-splatter in NY/LA only tomorrow, but already avails on VOD, Amazon, X-Box, Ps3 and other stuffs

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…