Thighs Wide Shut

Phantom Thread
Fashion Victims
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

A movie about a frigidity, neurotic clothing designer in 1950s London who hates distractions AND butter doesn’t exactly sound like the most swinging time this holiday season, but there is just SOMETHING so entrancing about PT Barnum Anderson‘s Phantom Thread that makes it the greatest film with the word ‘Phantom’ in it (sorry Jar Jar, Billy Zane and that horrible screen adaption of the Opera with Gerard Butler)!

I cannot even tell you that this is a muss see movie.  It would actually make for a really boring home rental, but for 2ish hours I was udderly mesmerized about the tale of a tailor (with a really dumb name – Reynolds Woodcock), and his muse who he doesn’t seem to be so a-MUSE-d by.  Maybe cause this is rumored to be Daniel Day-Lewis‘ acting swan song, and so we paid extra thought and love to his INCREDIBLE performance, or that we fell hard and felt so bad for his underloved love interest (Vicky Krieps), or that Dan Day’s icy-cold staring sister (Lesley Manville) set the prefect chilled mood for this entire movie.  Or maybe cause the film was made with such attention to detail and care, that we cared so much about all the details.  I wanted to physically be in all the places and settings they occupied and roamed around in.  TAKE ME THERE!!!  And while the clothes they made were really pretty, I didn’t really want to wear any of them, but that’s cause I’m not really into wearing dresses

We often think that David Fincher is keeper of the Kubrick torch, but PT Barnum Anderson may actually be the true torchbearer.  Phantom Thread feels like a Kubrick movie – uninviting and distant, and yet it makes you feel up close and personal, and sew – what more can you ask for in a film?  NEEDLE ME THAT BATMAN!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Thread bares in limited release on Xmas day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Inherent Vice
California Scheming
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 148 min

In a haze and in a daze, Paul Thomas Anderson‘s take on Thomas Pynchon‘s Inherent Vice is well worth toking.  Why?

it’s…

(thankfully not the dis-Master)

Lebowski-y, but smarter(!)(?)

and says hello to The Long Goodbye

and is as serious (and seriously silly) as Joe Friday’s haircut

LSDeez nutz

A video posted by Thigh Master (@thighmaster) on Jan 1, 2014 at 8:21pm PST

and Eli Cash-y

and Paul Avery Zodiac-y

and Nathan Thurm-y squirmy

and Shasta-y

and Katherine Waterston continues her ‘brave’ (read – ‘nude’) work in cinema

and all this equals…

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Vice is nice at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Master
No Brains, No Service
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

I don’t get it, but it sure looked nice!  Especially those sandcastle boobs!

It didn’t have a point, but Philip Seymour Hoffman did have a mustache that made him look like Mike Holmgren, and he did yell a lot, cause that’s telltale sign that he’s acting all hard and things!!

No really, I have zero minus one idea what the movie was about, but Joaquin Phoenix did tell like 2 fart jokes and kinda acted like he was in a post-WWII version of I’m Still Here (which is a betterer, more thoughtfullerrer movie than The Master is ever be or wants to be.  IS TRUE!)

No seriously, what’s the story with that story?  A helpless drunk gets help from a guy who’s full of himself and has a mustache and screams and his son is Jesse Plemons who sorta looks like him, without a mustache, and without the screaming, and in the end, no matter how much yelling goes-es on, it doesn’t help the helpless guy????  And no milkshakes are drankens??

But man, the movie LOOKED amazing!  Yeah, but ‘look’ and ‘being’ are two different stuffs.  Nice try PT Borenum!!  But you didn’t fool us with your foolish tim-foolery!

Yeah, but there were at least three AMAZINGS scenes.  One involved questions and not closing eyes and then closing eyes with more questions.  Another involved the awesomes Christopher Evan Welch questioning methods which is followed by yellings.  The other other was when all of the sudden there were lots of naked womens in a room, and we saw old droopy boobies that were hactually kinda sexy. IS TRUTHS!

Jessica Lange Gang: so we all know that Alison Lohman looks like a young Jessica Lange, but who knew that there was a gal who looks like Alison Lohman…

Brigitte Hagerman!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Master bates in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…