Thighs Wide Shut

Rush 
Winning Formula One 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 123 min

I have negative one interest in Formula One racing, and after seeing the Ron Howard directed/Peter Morgan written Rush, I still have negative 1 interest in the ‘sport’, but I have 1293891991321293 positive things to say about their beyond interesting/captivating/thrilling/fun film (same thing happened after I saw the INCREDIBLE doc Senna).  Ya see, skinny car racing is what the film’s rival characters do.  Sure, we root for them to win, but we care more about them as people then we do about thems taking the checkered flagz.  This is what the great sports movies do.  Actual winning is secondary to winning personalities  

The winning dudes are real life F1 racers – icy technical Niki Lauda and playboy pretty boy James Hunt, and they pushed each other to the limit in the mid-seventies, by putting the pedal to the metal, and trash-talking to the mental.  Lauda is embodied by the GREAT GREAT GREAT and vastly underatted and unknown (to Americans) Daniel Brühl, and Hunt by the greatly beautiful Chris Hemsworth, probably handing in his best work to date

Rush is a terrible name for a movie, but that’s eggzactly what the movie felt like and how it was paced – quickly zooming and vrrrrrrrrroooommmmmming us thru the two’s racing origin stories (they started in Formula Three.  hmmm, didn’t even know there were other types of Formula # racingsz), to their extracurricular activities (Hunt’s many c#nts, and Lauda’s main lady – played by the gorgeous Alexandra Maria Lara), to duking it out on the Formula One circuit (focusing mainly on the 1976 season), where it all basically culminates on that one fateful day that would intertwine the two’s lives together forever  

It’s all a GAS GAS GAS, that’s both FAST and FURIOUS, and has more brains AND brawn (and beauty – much WOWsers in the cinematography AND colorist departments!) in one movie than the Fast & Furious series’ has haves over six movies!!!!!!  AND WE LOVE THOSE MOVIES, BUT THEY HAVE MEATHEADS, AND RUSH AS AWESOMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND THE FORMULA IS SIMPLE… AWESOMEHEADS will ALWAYS be > MEATHEADS!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DEF Worth A Peepers

Race Time Face Time:  Sports Figures Portrayed in Movies

Rush, do not walk to a theater showing this.  it opens today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hereafter
Five Feet Underdone
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What happens when we die?  A question none of us will ever know the answer to… UNTIL IT’S FAR TOO LATE!  Well, grizzled ole Clint Eastwood musta been wrestling with that very quandary himself, after wrestling a whole decade with nuttin but death (Gran Torino being the true masterpiece of the bunch, although that borefest Invictus was death free… although Apartheid did die!).  So welcome to Hereafter, a film that provides no answers either, juss some thoughts and feelings and sensations and fuzzy transmissions, and three separate storylines that will end up sloppily merging together for no better reason other than each story couldn’t possibly be worthwhile on their own!  Wait, how is this the end result of an Eastwood and scriptman Peter Morgan (Frost/Nixon, The Queen, anything well written in the past 5 years) duet??  Had their names been absent in the credits, then Hereafter would be a fine little piece of movie fluff, and it certainly is, but still, shouldn’t this have been a slam dunk of greatness, and not a decently made foul shot???  OK, enuff with the analogies, and enuff of the names on the marquee prejudicenessness, cause the movie is adequate enuff, even if it is, at times, super cheesy, and feels longer than Carlos

So what are the three stories?  First is the plight of opening scene typhoon (AND WHAT A DIGITAL TYPHOON IT IS!) survivor Cécile De France (that chick from that wretched French horror movie with the ending that made no sense).  She a had a mighty close brush with death, even seeing stuff like gray figures in gray clouds!!!, but lived!!!!  She tries to go back to her normal French life of being a TV presenter and banging her bearded producer (Thierry Neuvic),  but that won’t work cause she will never be normal again!!!  So she takes a break from TV and starts writing about her experiences, and in the process losing all the fame and money she had before.  Maybe if she can get a book out, maybe then she can find some peace and piece of mind!!!!!

Meet Matt Damon.  He lives in San Francisco and works on the docks cause he doesn’t want to do his old job, which was to give psychic readings to very very very bereaved peoples. It nearly ruined his life, and a chance at ever having one, and he won’t do it again, no matter how many times his receding-haired brother Jay Mohr (Jay Mohr in an Eastwood movie, WTFFFFF??? although having Richard Kind show up for a scene made up for it) tries to convince him to jump back into the game!  Then, at a cooking course (led by Bobby Baccalieri!!!!) he meets a charming young girl who totally wants to bone him and she is totally Bryce Dallas Howard.  Will he get the girl or have to keep escaping his unwanted gift again and again?????

In London, there are a set of adorable twin kiddies (Frankie McLaren and George McLaren) with a strung out mum, who they take care of more than they are taken care of.  Everything isn’t perfect, but they make it work, that is until one of the twins is hit by a car, and the weaker-willed twin can’t figure out how to carry-on without him!!!!!!  If only he had some answers!!!!  Oh yeah, there’s some side-crap with his mother going to rehab and him living with foster folks, but we’ll pay about as much attention to em as the movie does!!!  Rebarkless, the twinsies part was hactually our mos flavorite out of the three

Soooooo, these 3 stories eventually run into each other and guess what, everyone lives happily ever Hereafter!!!  Ugh!  Well, if you thought that pun was lazy, then you can’t imagine how lazy this movie is, although it’s a lot more watchable, and mos def enjoyable than whatevs that Peter Jackson Lovely Bones thang was, and there’s no bones about it!!!

We’d Never Kick Out The Jam… panoï: in De France’s absecne from the TV studio, Mylène Jampanoï takes her job, and our heart!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers

Hereafter lives somewhat happily ever this Friday only in NY, LA and East Grand Forks, MN(???), and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…