Thighs Wide Shut

War Horse
More Like Bore Horse
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 146 min

Apparently there’s this beloved book turned into a hit play about a boy and his horse a horse and his boy, who loved one another like no horse and no boy could have ever loved one another, BUT THEY DID IT (not actually did it, but you know what we mean).  Apparently there love was so great that Steven Spielberg needed to make a movie out of it.  If you see one Spielberg movie this winter, do not make it War Horse, unless you love horses more than people, and if you do, please never come to this dot org ever again

OK, so it was kinda cool to see how horses’ role in warfare came to an abrupt end in WWI, due to trenches and tanks, but it wasn’t all that cool to watch a horse change hands from a poor English family (newbie boy Jeremy Irvine + parents Emily Watson and Peter Mullan), to a super fruity English army officer who knows how to draw (Tom Hiddleston), then to the kid from The Reader (David Kross), then to the old dude from The Prophet (Niels Arestrup), and then into no man’s land, before the eventual (no real sirprize here, but a spoiler lessthenone) reunion with the boy.  Yep, that’s the story, and yep, our main character is a horse.  Yep, the horse hands in the best horse performance of the year, but wouldn’t you rather watch Tintin run around the world in search of treasure instead of a boy searching for a horse?

The movie is well made, but it’s juss not all that compelling, and never registers on an emotional level that it is desperately trying to reach for (the script is ultra-fromage-y).  The most we got out of it was being happy for peeps like David Thewlis, Benedict Cumberbatch, Toby Kebbell, Eddie Marsan and Liam Cunningham who finally got to be in a Spielberg movie.  Is that some sort of an accomplishment?  Not really, but all of their performances (+ Celine Buckens &  Robert Emms) are commendable in a not so commendable flick

moral of the story – said it before – bore Horse.  nuff said again

No More Horsing Around: horses were still hactually used in WWII, mainly on the Eastern Front, even by the Poles, who couldn’t get their screen door submarines into action quick enuff to halt the Nazis

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

War Horse trots into a theater near jews on Xmas day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tyrannosaur
The Helpless Help Each Other
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 91 min

An angry drunk man brutally kicks his dog after losing a bet, throws a brick thru a window of a proprietor he doesn’t like the jib cut of, and then tops off his unsympathetic screen introduction by roughing up a bunch of kids in a pool hall cause they’re annoying.  NOW THIS IS HOW YOU START A MOVIE!!!

Can anyone save this man?  Does he even want to be saved?  Does he just want a pint of beer and to be left the f$%k alone?  Don’t tell that to the God-loving woman who crosses his path (or did he cross hers??), who needs a bit of saving herself.  You would too if your husband was an udder a$$hole.  How so?  He’s the kinda guy who comes home pissed drunk and… pisses on his Mrs while she sleeps.  Is this a movie?  You frakkin bet it is, and it could only come from the British Isles, the home of gritty sad sack people dramas that we juss can’t get enuff of!!!  It’s true!  May be our second mos flavorite genre besides future dystopian shazzle badazzles!!!

What a rousing written & directorial debut by actor Paddy Considine Tyrannosaur is be!!!!!!!!!!  The material itself isn’t anything all that blindmowing (esp if you’ve seen a British movie that’s not a period piece or made by Guy Ritchie), but the performances he gets out of the angry man (Peter Mullan), damaged woman (Olivia Colman) and piece of sh#t spouse (Eddie Marsan) is a trifecta of mindblowing awesomeness.  We already knew these three actors were the real deal, and if you see this film, you’ll be on board too.  Colman in particular is a revelation.  Known mostly for comedic work, she goes for broken by getting broken.  Get this woman an Oscar nom, NOW

moral of the story: It is humanly possible to find sympathy for a man who inhumanly treats other people and dogs, cause sometimes we need people who kick ass to kick other problems to the curb.  Also, the helpless may not be able to help themselves, but they can help other helpless people, so please, help yerself to this!!!!!

Saur Winners: czech out these thighly recommended movies including our 4 pals – Mullan in Boy A, Colman on Skins,  Marsan in Happy Go Lucky, and Paddy in front of the camera in Dead Man’s Shoes

Verdictgo: performances alone make it Breast In Show

Tyrannosaur stomps its way into limited release on Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…