Thighs Wide Shut

Spider-Man: Homecoming
The Kid Stays In The Picture, And Then The Picture Strays From The Kid
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Somehow it took five Spider-Man movies to get us to this point – a sixth movie that FINALLY gets Peter Parker right.  Tobey Mags and Andrew Garf were fine and all, but they didn’t seem like a teen doing teeny things.  They were already too old to be properly naive and out of their depths.  Tom Holland makes for such a perfect PP that he will now forever be Peter Parker in my mind’s thigh.  YOU GO LIL TOM HOLLAND!!

They may not have gotten Aunt May right, but they definitely have gottzen Aunt May HOT!!!!  UM HELLO Marisa Tomei.  why aren’t you and your tight clothings in every movie???????

and while the high school stuff was super great (the very non-actory Jacob Batalon as Peter’s BFF felt refreshing), and Michael Keaton as Birdman/Condorman/Johnny A$$holely was a pretty good bad adversary (with a nice lil twist with him in da plot), there were some stuff that I didn’t care for whatsoever…

like the forcing of Zendaya and Donald Glover into this movie.  She serves no purpose in this movie (BUT MAYBE IN FUTURE ONES!!????), and Donald Glover was only in it cause he and the internet wanted him to be Spider-Man years back, and so you have to give him and the internet what they want, right???

And the real reason there’s more Spider-Man, even though we really don’t need more, is not only cause it’s easy $$$ to make, but really to drag poor Spidey into the web of the rest of the existing Marvel cinematic universe, and therefore render the kid into another cog of the already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too bloated Avengers posse

This Spider-Man movie excels when it focuses on Peter and Spidey, but gets muddled and repetitive once Robert Downey Jr‘s ironic Tony Stark and lame lackey Jon Favreau rear their ugly heads here there and everywhere in this picture  

By the time the smoke clears at the end of the movie, after yet another gigantic battle with too many explosions and public property destruction, you no longer feel like you’re watching a Spidey movie - just another brick in the Marvel wall.  Tear down that wall!!  These superhero movies are losing their super-ness.  Spidey Homecoming felt like a step in the right direction, only to arrive at a destination we’re sick of visiting

Cool end credits though!

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey senses tingle a bit at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…