Peace The Forks Out

to

Philip Seymour Hoffman

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and my personal favorite PSH performances…

Dan Mahowny in Owning Mahowny

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Brandt in The Big Lebowski

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Allen in Happiness

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Art Howe in Moneyball

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Father Brendan Flynn in Doubt

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Andy in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead

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Gust Avrakotos in Charlie Wilson’s War

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Jon Savage in The Savages

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Scotty J in Boogie Nights

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Freddie Miles in The Talented Mr Ripley

 

so long PSH :*(

The Master
No Brains, No Service
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

I don’t get it, but it sure looked nice!  Especially those sandcastle boobs!

It didn’t have a point, but Philip Seymour Hoffman did have a mustache that made him look like Mike Holmgren, and he did yell a lot, cause that’s telltale sign that he’s acting all hard and things!!

No really, I have zero minus one idea what the movie was about, but Joaquin Phoenix did tell like 2 fart jokes and kinda acted like he was in a post-WWII version of I’m Still Here (which is a betterer, more thoughtfullerrer movie than The Master is ever be or wants to be.  IS TRUE!)

No seriously, what’s the story with that story?  A helpless drunk gets help from a guy who’s full of himself and has a mustache and screams and his son is Jesse Plemons who sorta looks like him, without a mustache, and without the screaming, and in the end, no matter how much yelling goes-es on, it doesn’t help the helpless guy????  And no milkshakes are drankens??

But man, the movie LOOKED amazing!  Yeah, but ‘look’ and ‘being’ are two different stuffs.  Nice try PT Borenum!!  But you didn’t fool us with your foolish tim-foolery!

Yeah, but there were at least three AMAZINGS scenes.  One involved questions and not closing eyes and then closing eyes with more questions.  Another involved the awesomes Christopher Evan Welch questioning methods which is followed by yellings.  The other other was when all of the sudden there were lots of naked womens in a room, and we saw old droopy boobies that were hactually kinda sexy. IS TRUTHS!

Jessica Lange Gang: so we all know that Alison Lohman looks like a young Jessica Lange, but who knew that there was a gal who looks like Alison Lohman…

Brigitte Hagerman!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Master bates in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Ides of March
The Snoozes of October
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

We’re fans of great actors doing great acting, and sometimes that’s juss enuff to make a film work, but other times, like with the George Clooney written/directed/starringed Ides of March, it’s not even close enuff.  If this were a movie made for $4 and starred a bunch of people without arms and legs, maybe this woulda been something, but The Ides of March is a exercise in nothing.  It feels like an even more pointless and boring Contagion, aka – hey look, we’ve assembled this amazing super awesome cast and we’re gonna make a movie like it’s the first time we’ve ever made a movie with the most basic story of stories, and juss when you think it could go somewhere deeper, it goes somewhere like nowhere, or like pretty much anywhere a movie has taken us before!  Zzzzzzzzzzzz

OK, so it’s well known (is it??) that we’re no fans of George Clooney (and his dumb face) (and not so great acting), but as a director (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Good Night & Good Luck, and even Leatherheads), he has shown some chops, but here he’s directing stale air.  If this political ‘potboiler’ were released in 1492 AD, it still wouldn’t make any kind of splash.  Why?  Cause the story is a bore-y.  Want lame fake politics?  See The Ides of March!  Want juicy real politics?  Rent Primary Colors

And the story is???…  Ryan Gosling is a hot shot campaign guy working with honest Philip Seymour Hoffman to get Clooney (in quadruple smug mode, spewing endless ‘I’m such a righteous man’ diatribes, which he probably wrote himself) into the White House (dream on buddy).  The rival camp, headed by Paul Giamatti, aims to steal Gosling for their own team, so Gosling gets conflicted!!!  That’s where any bit of interesting interest starts and ends.  Luckily Evan Rachel Wood‘s thighs are wide open, and Gosling drives into her!  Then Gosling starts learning some truths, like how Evan Rachel Wood may not be a holy virgin (and has a man’s name), and other stuff (that you won’t give 9 sheets about).  And then??????????  Wish the answer was ‘Zardoz‘, cause then it woulda been something instead of some kindergarten attempt at making a political statement

Slain & pimple, Ides of March don’t amount to much.  Maybe this shoulda juss been a movie about Paul Giams and Phil Sey Hoffs squaring off in a battle of angry fat guys, where they take turns yelling at each other, but in the end, become BFFs and celebrate their BFFship by taking a bath together (no, this isn’t our fantasy, but if this was a movie, you’d pay to see it like we would)

No He Can’t: nice poster!!!  NOT!!!!  yer not the white Obama, and yer also not the second coming of Cary Grant.  please leave our eyes alone

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Ides of March is out of step today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…