Ard Gelinck

[via MyModMet]

Hitchcock
Nobody Toby Does It Better
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 98 min

Ever wonder how Psycho got made?  Read wikipedia.  But if you don’t know how to read, we guess you can settle on Sacha Gervasi‘s sorta making of tale, that has more to do with Hitchcock eating & drinking & cigar smoking & spurning his behind the scenes wife & collaborator Alma Reville (Helen Mirren) than it does about mastering suspense.  This movie has zero suspense and about zero mastery of anything, and Anthony Hopkins seems to be imitating Batman’s Penguin more than he’s trying to emulate Sir Alfred.  But it’s watchable.  You can watch Scarlett Johansson have Janet Leigh’s hair or Jessica Biel‘s teef stick out like Bugs Bunny as she tries to be Vera Miles.  The only truly interesting thing (besides the employment of Ralph Macchio!) was the devil on Hitch’s shoulder being none other than the film/book’s true psycho inspiration - Ed Gein (played by the one and only Michael Wincott!), leading we to believe that an Ed Gein biopic (a real one, not this BS) woulda been a better movie to make than a snoozy look at Ant Hopkins in 3893939 lbs of flabby make-up

BUT you can do better – you can watch HBO/BBC’s The Girl, which is more about Hitchcock tormenting Tippi Hedren than it is about Hitchcock & the making of The Birds, but it’s actually a movie movie, instead of a nothing nothing trying to be something + Toby Jones FCUKING KILLS IT as Sir Alfred, and it’s dirty and sexy + Sienna Miller gets dirty and sexy and she’s the breast.  Good for Toby!  He was the better Capote in the better Capote movie, but his Capote came wayyy after Capote 1 came out, so he got a raw deal, like not getting the Oscar that went to Phil Sey Hoffs (he was good, just not AS good as Tobes).  Well, this time, Toby’s Hitchcock joint got out the gate first, but since it’s an HBO movie and not a movie in a theater, he once again won’t get his due for doing right.  In all honestly, Hopkins’ Hitch flick belongs on TV and Toby’s belongs at a theater near jews.  GO TEAM TOBY!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hitchcock hitchshlocks inin limited release Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

John Kreese looks at things

[via What About Blagg?]

and while we’re here…

dude, don’t ever f$%k with

The Kove!!!!

dude’s been in 169 things!!

and he’s always the center of everyone’s attention!!!

and he’s so mad close with Angbradlinlihijia that he shows them things that make them fake smile!!!!!!

and he doesn’t smoke cock, he smokes awesomeness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and when he dresses up for Halloween, he’s even less scary looking that he is on normal days!!!

and here’s something for those who’ve missed our photochops!!!

and here’s something for the lizadies, The Kove’s penis!!! [NSFW]

Kove, blessed be you!!!

The Karate Kid
Kung Fu Pandering
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You’ve got questions and doubts about the new Karate Kid and we’re here to quell your fears by having a conversation wit ourselves:

Is the new Karate Kid better than the old Karate Kid?

Is that even a question? Of course not. The first one was an instant-classic AND introduced us to Billy Zabka, the whitest guy we all loved to hate in the 80s (with much respect to James Spader)

So then, is the new Karate Kid just another one of these remakes/reimagings that have no real purpose for being besides lining pocketbooks?

Sirprizngly it is not. It’s fluff, but the good kind. Moving the action away from America was a good idea, but making the protagonists and antagonists younger boarders on child cruelty. Sometimes it’s a lil uneasy to watch these kids beat up on each other. Then again, it kinda kicked more real a$$ than Kick Ass did

So it’s not awful?

Not in the slightest, although we could have done without the unnecessary love story (with the adorable Wenwen Han) and what seems like endless trips to the countryside and training lessons, which are no ‘paint a fence’ poetic waxing

Can Jaden Smith kick it?

Yes he can, but lets not get all crazy here and say he’s a good actor, cause he’s not. Jaden’s got his dad’s smile and his mum’s gruffness, but he’s a little too full of himself to be considered anything but the son of famous people who gets more breaks than AAMCO

And what about Jackie Chan?

He does the role, and Pat Morita justice. He’s the glue that keeps it all together. Taraji P. Henson (and her bodacious booty) also does us a solid, with the expanded mom role

No Ralph Macchio cameo, no crane kick, no getting him a body bag? No way Jose?

Why go the obvious route, when director Harald Zwart and writer Christopher Murphey pleasurably go their own with Robert Mark Kamen and John G. Avildsen‘s material. Plus Rongguang Yu makes a great asshole sensei and bad boy Zhenwei Wang is even creepier and mo intimidating than Zabka!! ZABKA!!!!!!

Does this deserve a sequel?

Maybe. The original did, but the only good that came out of #2 was the hammazin opening scene that picked up right where #1 left off, and of course, the second greatest Peter Cetera solo song besides ‘The Next Time I Fall’. If #2 does happen, how about Suri Cruise for The Next Next Karate Kid?

Macchio-ismo: Ralph Macchio doesn’t bother with a cameo in the new KK (good for him!), but does one better with Wax On, F*ck Off

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Karate kicks it this Friday at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…