The Amazing Spider-Man
Re-Turn Off The Dark
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

No single person was like, WE NEED MORE SPIDER-MAN MOVIES, AND DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO GIVE US NEW ONES, LIKE, NOW, and like get rid of the original director, cast, pie eating so goodness, and start over with lesser talents, and literally start over with a movie that tackles Spider-Man’s origin story, again.  Granite, the Sam Raimmii version lost steam by the time it came and went to #3, so we can see why a re-boot was re-booted, but did it need to be re-booted so soon? RE-BOOOOOT??!??!?!

If you can somehow forget all about Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker, you will remember Andrew Garfield as the same dude, doing pretty much the same things. And while Marc Webb‘s take on the Spidey world certainly doesn’t weave new and unique webs, it certainly takes viewers back to the excitement and fun that was felt after seeing Tobey-Spidey #1.  Yep, this Spidey is the best Spidey since Spidey movie #1, cause we don’t remember anything about Spidey #2 & #3, cept the pie eating so goodness

OK, ok, ok, so Spidey 4’s villain (Rhys Ifans as a one-armed professor turned annoying lizard with Rhys Ifans’ voice) feels stoopid, looks stoopid, and is stoopid, but WHO CARES (we’ll, we did care a little, cause we kinda hated any scene involving the lizard)!!!!  Cause Andrew Garfield has more fun being Peter Parker than Tobey’s dead-eyed stare did, and we had more fun watching him as him than him as him!!  It’s ture!!!  And there’s no first dance for Mary Jane Watson here, juss plenty of hot exposed knee action from Emma Stone as Peter’s 1st love Gwen Stacy, and although she doesn’t have that much to do, but be hot and be related to Denis Leary, and be really hot, and like be SUPER HOT, but who cares, cause she’s so hotttttttt and we’d take her over Dunst anywaysdays.  The only knock on her performance was that she didn’t have a 90 minute shower scene.  Basterds!!!!  HOLLYWÃœRST, WHY DO YOU HATE SHOWER SCENES??!?!?  THOMAS EDISON INVENTED MOVIES SO HE AND WE COULD WATCH MOVIES WITH WOMEN SHOWERING!!!!!  STOP PISSING ON TOM ED’S GRAVE!!!!!  GIVE US US SHOWER SCENES!!!

moral of the story – they gave us a new Spider-Man, even if we didn’t want it, and while it may not be a Christopher Nolanesqueish funky-fresh take on the material, it is kinda fresh, and it has the best of the best Stan Lee cameos, and Martin Sheen is realllllly good, before he gets plugged [UNSPOILER ALERT!!], and Sally Field is OK, and it’s nice to see Hollywood hire Irrfan Khan, cause we love hearing him talk, and moist importantly, they employed…

C.Thomas Howell!!!!!:

C THOMAS HOWELL IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey slings it at a theater near jews tomoorow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Anonymous
Unfamous A’mous
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Roland Emmerich makes the shittiest of shit movies - Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, 2012, Godzilla, and a zillion other disasters that deal with natural and man-made disasters, including, but not limited to disasters in the crafts of writing and acting.  Not for a second did we ever think Emmerich was capable of making anything remotely enjoyable, let alone watchable.  Crazier things have happened, and there’s plenty of crazy things happening in Emmerich’s Anonymous, EASILY the best movie he’s ever made (although we still need to see Stargate), and in general, a f$%king fun popcorn flick that blends revisionist history with high adventure, in a yarn that actually doesn’t have much adventure to make high

Credit times 9 zillion to Emmerich and writer John Orloff, for taking a pretty dry subject (did Shakespeare write all those plays OR WAS IT SOMEONE ELSE???!???!) and making it wet like a hurricane.  Every scene feels like it’s super important, even if it’s not, and this is how Emmerich’s background with disaster flicks directly benefits his attempt at making a real movie, and unbelievably somehow makes it all work!!!  And the end result be one the moist entertaining Tudor era movies we’ve seen in quite awhile!!  IT’S TRUE!!!!!

The idea that Willy Shakes is a fraud is not a new one, but we’re sure most average moviegoers don’t know much about those conspiracy theories.  Those who don’t should relish this hot dog, and those scholarly folks who do, should juss shut their brains down and enjoy it for what it is.  And what it is aint juss an authorship question movie, but also who that asks ‘who’s yer daddy?’, filled with plenty of saucy sexual secrets + plenty of awesome facial hair and ruff-neck bidness!!!  Plus+++ the cast is udderly fantastic, top to bottom, from Vanessa Redgrave‘s Queen Elizabeth (+ her daughter Joely Richardson playing the younger version of her!) to Rhys Ifans as the bard behind the bard (+ pretty boy Jamie Campbell Bower as a dashing young version of him), to David Thewlis and Edward Hogg as the mos regal royal assholes since Count Rugen, to Sebastian Armesto, who’s like a cheaper James McAvoy, and Rafe Spall, who’s like a cheaper Ryan Reynolds, as Shakey, who wethinks invented crowd surfing

Learning fake (OR MAYBE TRUE!!!) history has never been this fun!!!!

Roland With The Homeboys: Emmerich’s London home is blammazin!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOOOOOOOOOOOOOS Worth A Peepers

Anonymous will be known today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 1
School’s Out!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks!!!  SPANK THE LORD SLODERMORT!!!!!!!!  If there was anything dragging the movie versions of Harry Potter down down down it was the 909% snooze-a-roni-ness that filled the hallowed halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Boredom!!!!!  BYE BYE DUMPHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!  Ahhhh J.K. Rowling, what took you so long to ditch the wand and finger waving adults and let the kids run rampant???????????  We haven’t read one of yer boooooks in ages, but whatever’s within yer 7th and final book The Deathly Hallows is deathly awesomes!!!!  EAT THAT DEATH EATERS!!!!!!!!!!!

We have no recollection of what happened in the last movie, The Half-Blood Prince, but apparently we claimed it was the bestest since Cuarón‘s Azkaban.  Well, that can’t be the case, even if that was the case, cause Part 1 (of 2) of Hallows IS the bestest since #3, hands AND thighs down.  Why?  See above graphpara.  Why more?  Cause 84% of this bizatch is nuttin but Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint running around a zillion picturesque English countrysides, borrowing adventures from the pages of LOTR and Narnia, but who flippin cares, cause David Yates brings the loves and not the hates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  + Dobby is even tolerable!!! + there’s a scene with like 9 Harry Potters in one room!!! + Peter Mullan!!! + Rhys Ifans (as a perfect dad to Evanna Lynch)!!!! + there’s like some sorta cartoon shadow puppet storytelling bit thingie that’s like so outta place and yet so in the right place + David O’Hara, Steffan Rhodri and Sophie Thompson do the bestest kids trying to act like adults acting since Dudley Moore pretended he was Kirk Cameron in the body of Dudley Moore!!! + there’s like some sorta digital Hermione wet dream thing where she’s like sorta naked with like digital side boobs and it makes Ron like totally horny AND angry!!!!  + her digital side boobs are like bigger than her real ones!!!! (it’s OK to say this cause she’s like 20 and stuff!!!)

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we will admit, there be something totally not the knees bees in Potterdom: Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort.  Slain and pimple, it juss don’t work.  Don’t know if it’s the know know of knowing it’s Fiennnennes behind the mask or the fact that the mask has no clothes like that emperor that had no clothes.  We know he’s suppose to be scary, but he’s the furthest thing from scary.  Harry has better screen nemesisismsism with Snape and the Malforys than he does with the dude with no nose.  Hopefully Part 2 won’t be a part doo-doo, even though it’s obvious that Voldy will loom large, and boviously get his before he gets a new nose!!!

Wright On!!!!!: Bonnie Wright is fo’shiz the shiz, so what is mo shiz than B Wright?  um, how bout Wright + Moretz!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Potter is Deathly aware of how FRANZTASTIC it is today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…