Thighs Wide Shut

Alien: Covenant
Fassbender²
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 122 min

I returned from 2 weeks away in Italy, and after a night of attempting to reset my biological clock (it didn’t work), the next morning, the only thing I wanted to do (besides laundry) was see the new Alien movie - Alien: Covenant.  But I think I forgot to brush up on Prometheus before seeing it.  Oooops.  Kinda woulda helped!!!

Speaking of Prometheus, why did everyone hate that movie so much?  Cause the humans were dumb and did dumb things?  Well, what would you have done on a planet you’ve never been too????  Also, who wants to see a movie where smart astronauts avoid getting killed?  Aren’t the Alien movies all about watching humans getting killed by aliens in the most horrific ways possible??? And did everyone forget about how scary and captivating the movie was, and how there was an alien in our hero’s body and she c-sectioned the thing the fcuk out of her and it literally was like the most insane thing ever??????????????

Anywho, Covenant is the next prequelish chapter in Ridley Scott‘s continued attempt to properly resurrect the franchise, while raising new big questions, and introducing us to new dumb humans (welcome Billy Crudup!)  Luckily, the smartest ‘man’ in the room remains Michael Fassbender, and… Michael Fassbender.  No spoilers here, but lets just say, double the Fassbender, double the twisted fun!  And while the new crew includes a nice mix of actors from Demián Bichir to Danny McBride (not as comicy reliefy as you’d think), you know this one’s gonna be all about some short-haired lady, who’s probably going to have a high survivability rate – hello Katherine Waterston!!! 

Yes, hello!  Waterston seems to be in everything these days, but I would say any movie where she is wearing clothes, is a failure, cause she can totally be in a movie without clothes [NSFW]

But there’s something about her in Covenant that doesn’t exactly click, and we don’t feel for her, like they way we did for Prometheus‘ Noomi Rapace.  Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?????  And what’s up with the white engineer dudes?  And the black goo?  And this and that?  

Covenant has more to say than Prometheus, but I don’t necessarily think it’s AS good – but remember, I really liked Prometheus (and you probably didn’t).  The day after seeing the new one, I revisited the Prometheus and I like it more now than I ever have!!!  I mean, again, c’mon, the good doctor gives herself a cesarean section and the thing that comes out of it sucks on one of those white engineer dudes and becomes a fcuking insane alien!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT???  There are aliens in this Alien movie, and we sorta now know how they came to be, and how we came to be, and it’s both beautiful and unnerving, and these are prequels making us think – not making itself STINK

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Covenant agrees with you at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Martian
Better Off Red (Planet)
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 142 min

There’s juss something about Matt Damon.  Who doesn’t love Matt Damon?  Well, if Matt Damon gets stranded on Mars, you root for Matt Damon to do whatever he needs to do to survive and get off Mars.  That’s what happens in Ridley Scott‘s movie version of Andy Weir‘s 2011 novel of the same name.  Humanity gets a little screentime to root on Matt Damon, but for the most part, we’re stuck with the rooting from the people who got him stuck there in the first place  – his fellow astronauts who thought he was dead and left him there for dead, the NASsholes of NASA back on Earth looking to solve this PR nightmare as soon as possible, and the engineers who are trying to actually solve the actual problem, actually.  If any of these non-Matt Damon people in the movie were the ones stranded on Mars, we’d probably be rooting for them to have their faces explode (Jeff Daniels being my leading candidate)

This movie is great.  Not Ridley Scott Prometheus great, but it’s close!  It’s like it, but there are no aliens.  People love aliens, cause they scare us.  Martian didn’t need aliens, but it wouldn’t have hurt to have them.  Martian was > than Interstellar, which was awesome itself, but suffered from a lame ending, and Martian feels more real and realistic than that other movie with a stranded Damon, and Jessica Chastain in it.  Martian was also ten zillion times better than Gravity, but mainly cause I wanted Sandra Bullock AND George Clooney to be lost in space 9ever and I didn’t get my wish

So how you like them Martians, eh??  Very much so, thank you!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Martian is currently orbiting at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Prometheus
On and Off The Origin of The Specieses
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

Dude, what’s your problem with Ridley Scott‘s Peromoutheosues?  Why do you have beef when this movie is all filet mignon-and-on-and-on til the break-a-break-a-dawn?  This is how quasi-prequels should be made!!!  This is what they should look like.  This is how they should be acted in like.  No cheese, all ruling.  Seriously, what didn’t you like about the best sci-fi movie of the 2000s, and Scott’s biggest and bestest since freaking Blade Runner?  What didn’t meat yer eggspectations?  This movie answers THE question to end began all questions of how we began, and how Alien began!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the movie has theseses!!!!

a not as strong-willed girl with probably zero tattoos who used to be a strong-willed girl with a dragon tattoo!!!!

every woman AND man’s dream – a robot Michael Fassbender who does whatever you want it to do!!!

the opposite of finding Texas Tea/black gold!!

spaceships that look like rotten cashews!!!

SORTA FACE ON MARS THING!!!

batshit crazy rich old white dudes!!

Ryan Atwood’s skeezy brother!!

alien masks almost more alien than this helmet!!

bobbed in space!

this surly a$$hole guy who always plays surly a$$holes!!!

space vomit!

better use of Charzlizezeze Therzon in tight future clothings!!!

speaking of, Leeloo-lish clothings for space hibernating hotties!

&

[spoilerish alert!!!….]

the grossest of gross that could possibly happen to a woman’s tummy!!!!!!

moral of the story – IT’S A PREQUEL THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF SUCKS/STAR WARS EPISODES I – III!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Prometheus is currently lighting fires at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Robin Hood
The Man Who Hood Be Bilking
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Yoooooooo! (or in ye olde English, would that be Yooooooooooooe?)  What up with everyone dissin and pissin and eatin Nissin about Ridley Scott/Brian Helgeland‘s totally passable, plausible, and entertaining enuff Robin Hood?  Yes, we all know Russell Crowe is a cockmuffin, and so is that d-bag from Lost, but here they aint d-cockmuffin bags.  As Robin Longstride or Stridelong or Strongbow or Strongcockmuffin and Little John, they fines as they is, and even aints the focus of the entire movie (there’s other stuff, like castles!  and wars!!  and crowns!!! and old chicks dressed like nuns who say things!!!!  and for some reason there are kids in the woods who wear scary masks and steal seeds!!!!)

Sure, RH & LJ and the merry mens aren’t all that merry here, when compared to the ones we all know and humped from any previous incarnation, cause this aint’s a previous incarnation, this is new one!  One that goes all backstory and no frontstory! It’s no mind blowing or arrow splitting shazzle badazzle, but at least it’s realistic (they have beards and sometimes bleed AND sometimes bed chicks OR sleep with dogs)!  It’s like The Tudors (we always have to compare, sorry), but with better actors (Cate Blanchett, Max von Sydow, William Hurt, Danny Huston), but with no boobs (SHIT!!!)!!  And guess what, Mark Strong plays a bad guy!  That’s the smallest shock since a dwarf tried to give a frog a shocker!!! Hollywood, give Mark Strong a vacation from a movie set and our lives!!!

What more do you people want?  Gladiator sucked and this was far more fun than that cause that’s the truth. What, you want Kevin Costner talking about baseball in Sherwood Forest?  Look, all we want is Disney’s Robin Hood put back onto the big screen, but we don’t run Disney, a movie theater, or the world, so that aint happening, but Ridley’s Hood is happening enuffffff!  Well, enuff to tide us over until something that’s both ye olde and mo mammoth comes to a screen near jews, like The Hobbit, or a 3-D version of John Wayne Bobbitt’s life story with theme song by the Bee Gees!!!! [SFW]

Sure Wood: did you ever watch the 80s British series Robin of Sherwood, later starring Sean Connery’s son (and Mia Sara’s one time hubby) Jason? probably not, but it was so 80s good!!!  and the theme song by Clannad kicked nads!!!

Clannad – ‘Robin (The Hooded Man)’ [empeethree]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Robin is currently gettin medieval in your HOOD

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…