Jack Reacher
Preacher Comforts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

December is a month of endless Oscar-baiting fare, where the movies are bloated, depressing and hard to watch.   Christopher McQuarrie‘s Jack Reacher is the antidote to all that stuff, and Jack Reacher is nothing without one of the last movie stars standing, standing tall (even though he’s not so tall) - Tom Cruise.  Tom is Jack, a loner, Dottie, a rebel.  Whether you can believe that Tom Cruise could pass as a drifter matters very little, cause basically Jack Reacher is a looser Mission: Impossible, which means it’s more fun, and sirprizingly, and most welcomelyer, funnier!   What more do you need to know?  You don’t, but we’ll go on for a little bit more anywayz

Our movie starts off with a sniper randomly picking off people, but MAYBE THE VICTIMS AREN’T RANDOM?!??!?!  The sniper is caught, but MAYBE THE CAUGHT SNIPER ISN’T THE ACTUAL SNIPER?!?!??!?  The DA’s office (Richard Jenkins and David Oyelowo, who’s like 2nd second coming of Chiwetel Ejiofor) thinks it’s an open and shut case.  The alleged sniper’s lawyer (bouncy Rosamund Pike) thinks so too, but is juss looking for the best possible verdict that isn’t punishable by death.  Enter Jack Reacher, the only man who can possibly save the alleged sniper, and maybe save the day too.  Guess what, he might juss do all of these things, AND go toe to toe with baddie Werner Herzog (I laughed out loud EVERY time he spoke on screen, partly cause it’s ridiculous, but mostly cause casting Werner Herzog as a bad guy is a stroke of genius and awesomeness and amazingnessness and I couldn’t get over that fact!!!).  Robert Duvall pops in towards the end, and his no country for old man old man-ness only adds to the nutty bar fun, cause Robert Duvall characters wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!

But does Tom Cruise run in this movie?  A little, but he drives, cause he’s so driven, and the driving is FCUKING OFF THE BAKER’S RACK!!!!!!  And there’s punching!  And there’s more punching!  And gunfights!  AND LAUGHTER!  And a killer scene where two thugs have a great chance of taking out Cruise, but they keep on taking out each other.  OH REACHER!!!! YOU MAKE US WANT TO GIVE YOU A REACH-A-ROUND!!!!!!! Please people, go see this movie, so it does well and they greenlight 12 more of these, cause that’s what the world needs!!!  REACHER!!!  He should fight Arthur Treacher’s in the sequel, cause they suck!!!  TREACHER!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

3 Furious : please, never slow down

Alexia Fast

Jack Reacher reaches out and touches everyone at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Get Low
Six Feet Underdone
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Robert Duvall is an old man.  In Aaron Schneider‘s Get Low, with script by Chris Provenzano & C. Gaby Mitchell, he gets older, and crankier, and beardier and hermitierer and talks to animals at his cabin compound deep in the woods.  One day, after visiting the town, and realising that everyone thinks he’s a nutter and a million other things, from stories passed down and along, he decides it may be time to set the record straight before he perishes.  So he decides to have a funeral… WHILE HE’S ALIVE!!!!  SNAPPPPPages!!!!  Interesting idea!!!  So he hires local funeral parlorists Bill Murray (providing much needed, albeit mild comic relief) and Lucas Black (who always looks like a bewildered kid in any movie he’s been in) to take care of all the details.  And there are lots of details cause Duvall wants a big party and a raffle, with the winner taking all of his lands!  Damns!!  Sounds like we got ourselves a rootin-tootin hootenanny on our hands!  We do!  But we don’t!!

Duvall’s hiding something and we wait and wait for him to reveal this hidden secret, and although all of this hullabaloo is upsetting to old flame Sissy Spacek and old pal Bill Cobbs (not Bill Cosby), it’s most upsetting to us, the dear viewer, when we finally find out what it be and it be something not really worth the waiting around for.  Damns!  Oh well.  The picture is still a pretty one, dripping with sepia tones of home, and Duvall is grand as the licking his lips, mumblin bumpkin, and Bill Murray is Bill Murray, so we guess you could get down wit Get Low, but we just wished they aimed and got a lil higher

Tennesseein’ Is Tennebelievin’: this flick was actually based on the true story of Felix ‘Bush’ Breazeale, who threw himself a funeral party before he dieds!! here’s a pic of his gravestone and here’s a pic of him at the party!!!  Sometimes the truth is stranger and mo interesting than fiction!!!

[pic via TSLA]

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Low stays purty low in NY & LA only this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…