Bridesmaids
Wedding Our Pants
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 125 min

Oh my gosh!  Who knew that women could be funny AND have a movie in which to show it?  AND it came from Judd Apatow, the man who makes so many man comedies… that aren’t really all THAT funny, although everyone thinks they are.  But we’re not going to waste your time griping about Judd Apatow like we usually do, cause for once he got the funny write (although what did he do besides put his name on it?).  YEAH WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bridesmaids is dangs funny (and rememberrrrrrrrrr… it takes a lot to make us laffffff!!!).  It’s not a great movie by any imagination of the stretch (pretty standard story stuff here – a woman trying to find love), but who cares!!  Kristen Wiig does her Wiig thang and Maya Rudolph doesn’t really do anything, and come to think of it, neither does Wendi McLendon-Covey or Ellie Kemper, even if they are great company.  Rose Byrne plays an unfun bitch (doesn’t she get sick of that?  we’re starting to), and Jon Hamm plays a way fun a$$hole.  Melissa McCarthy steals the show (she needs her own movie, and probably will get one), and some British people are in it (like Chris O’Dowd) cause they’re probably cheaper (and funnier) than Jason Segel.  But why the poop jokes? WHY?  No man wants to even think of a woman pooping.  Do you womens?  Wait, do any womens read this site?  If so, will you marry us?

Lovey Covey:  there’s juss something so hot about Wendi

(probably cause she was Michael Scott’s one-night stand in Canada)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Bridesmaids marries women & laughter at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men: First Class
When We Were Tweens
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

There’s all kinda stuff goings on and off in Matthew Vaughn‘s X-Men prequel, but most of it is not much of consequence (wow, mutant kids meet other mutant kids for the first time, AND THEN they get to hone their skillz, in a super slow montage!), since prequels are usually pointlessly redundant ways of taking more of our cash for something we already know well about (wait, Magento was a holocaust survivor???  wait, Professor X used to be able to walk and then one day he couldn’t???). And since this film’s trailer (a damn fine one) puts on display all the juicy actiony content (that Cuban missile crises sh#t was still pretty cool!!), the bits that are worth the price of admission are the wits-y ones.  You know, watching brainy studs Magsy & Proffy X forge a BFFship and then sees it fall apart (we still rooted for it to work, even though we KNEW it wouldn’t)

Watching James McAvoy think and act like Jean-Luc Picard, and Michael Fassbender snarl and snap like an evil Gandolf, while both adding their own flourishes to the characters, was the only thing first class about the film, and that’s almos good enuff for us.  But why employ Kevin Bacon as yer main bad guy?  He was only scary and creepy when he was invisible and groping chicks in that Verhoeven movie.  And don’t know why everyone’s getting all over January Jones‘ case.  She has the very egggzact same amount of acting talent that Academy Award nominee Jennifer Lawrence does —  negative 5.  Lawrence is more blah as the conflicted blue chick than JJ is at looking hot in a movie where she was solely cast to look hot in.  Lawrence is more like X-Men WURST CLASS!!!!!  It’s true, cause we said so.  Oh, and Rose Byrne‘s in this, but she’s not a mutant, so she serves no purpose, but we’re not going to complain about her undercover (but sadly NOT under the covers) lingerie work.  Oh, and Nicholas Hoult was pretty good as Frasier with furry feet, even though he wasn’t wearing a super gay pink angora sweater.  He should get that sweater written into all of his contracts

Fassbestness: see Mikey F sizzle and dazzle in last year’s brilliant Fish Tank OR ELSE!!  but you’re probably a smarty jones and listened to us and already saw this!  if so, pat yerself on the back, and then yer balls

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

X-Men hits the spot enuff, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Get Him To The Greek
Crock Star
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Don’t worry kids, he, Jonah Hill, gets him, Russell Brand, to the Greek.  It’s not the comeback special concert in the end that matters though, mainly cause the movie’s given up by then, but it’s the journey to the stage.  So what about the journey?  It stinks of not trying, while trying too hard to be hard, while trying to be all soft and being about as softball as the questions that Larry King tosses to his guests.  Wurst importantly, it contains a total of one laugh (Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs, who is to acting as we are to grammmerr, eats his own head.  HA!).  Even their faux music videos are more tired than they are satire (see ‘PoP Goes My Heart’ from Music In Lyrics for how it’s done).  Sarah Marshall has been long forgotten in our minds, and Nicholas Stoller‘s totally harmless, yet udderly lamefull spin off is as forgettable as the memorable lines of UPN’s Shasta McNasty

Byrne Baby Byrne: the only rose amongst all the thorns is Rose Byrne, who steps up her game a bit here, going toe to ho with Brand as his rock tart squeeze, and who wouldn’t want to squeeze her?

Verdictgo: a comedy is suppose to be funny, this isn’t, so, a mild, but still deserving Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Greek currently reeks at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Princess Leia Organa Solo

Enslaved Dancer Oola

Handmaiden Dormé

Commander Mon Mothma

Duke Teta’s Bizatch Koyi Mateil

Bounty Hunter Zam Wesell

Queen Padmé Amadala Skywalker

Waitress Hermione Bagwa

Officer Toryn Farr

Aunt Beru Lars née Whitesun

Handmaiden Moteé

Senator Bana Breemu

Mother Love Bone Shmi Skywalker-Lars

Jedi Aayla Secura

Handmaiden Sabé

Six-Breasted Dancer Yarna D’al Gargan

Food Peddler Jira

Senator Ister Paddie

&

[more NSFW Star Whores]