Thighs Wide Shut

September 16, 1983 - Arnold Schwarzenegger became a US citizen

The Expendables
Not Nearly Over The Top Enuff
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

As expected, The Expendables has big ass beloved action stars of yesteryear involved in some big ass explosions, while expounding big assed corny dialog.  So why does all the big-assedness feel so small?  And why is Charisma Carpenter in this movie?  And why isn’t she nekkid?  Writer/director/actor Sylvester Stallone‘s heart and mind, and pals, are all in the right place here, but when all is daid and sone, The Expendables is a missed opportunity at exploding exploitation.  Perhaps in the hands of someone more ironic like Robert Rodriguez, this could worked out a lot better instead of being what it is, which is not much, but not totally nothing, so it’s sorta something… we guess

So who are The Expendables?  Do you really care?  They’re a multi-ethnic paramilitary group for hire that are hired to take down other multi-ethnic paramilitary groups and collect cash and a bunch of battle scares at the end of the job.  In this adventure, they’re hired by Bruce Willis(!!!!, but only in it for one scene, which he also shares with Schwarzenegger.  boy, do we miss him and his eeuauaughhhuauaahhing) to take down a Central American island dictator (David Zayas, another Dexter player Stallone has drafted, after he enlisted Julie Benz for Rambo), who’s really juss a puppet for a shady ex-CIAer played by Eric Roberts (who’s a better actor than her sister, duh!!) and his right hand henchman Steve Austin, and they are all evil or something and so they muss be taken down or else or something!  OK!  So our team springs into action.  And what a team! Jason Statham! Jet Li! Dolph Lundgren (who knew he was so awesome???  seriously!!!)! Randy Couture! Terry Crews! and Mickey Rourke, as a sorta Q character!

And guess what happens next???  Shoot!  Knife!  Boom!  Death!  Zzzzzz!!  Nothing special!! WE DON’T EVEN REMEMBER ANYMORE!?!?  Is it too late to request even MORE CORNY DIALOG????  And why no mention of the characters’ full names????  Czech these babies out: Lee Christmas, Ying Yang, Gunner Jensen, James Munroe, Toll Road, Tool and our personal fav, Hale Caesar!!!  Wish this movie was something we could hail.  Yes, we were moist happy to see these worthy actors put back into action, but we juss wish the action was more jacksony.  Speaking of, where was Apollo Creed?  Or Mr T? Or Chuck Norris of Van Damme? or CGI Andre The Giant?  HE ONLY DUCK PADDLES!!!

Planet Best: ah, the early 90s, where hath you gone?

Verdictgo:Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Expendables dulls bulls todat at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…