Thighs Wide Shut

The Lost City of Z
Hunnam Beef Cake
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

We all have boners for Indiana Jones.  But what if I told you that there was a real Indiana Jones, but he didn’t necessarily find what he was looking for?  You probably have at least a halfie right now, right?  Left?

Well, there was once a British bloke named Percy Fawcett, who became obsessed with finding a lost city in the dense Amazonian jungles, in the early 20th Century.  He was like a (then) modern day conquistador, a dashing Don Quixote, tilting at windmills for something that may not even exist.  He tried again and again to find a lost city he called ‘Z’, before ultimately disappearing for good in his final attempt.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  But nothing can be spoiled by true facts…  facts spelled out in author David Grann‘s MOS eggsalad New Yorker article/turned book about Fawcett and his life’s yearning mission of discovery, which has now been transformed into a grand motion picture written and directed by James Gray – The Lost City of Z

Now before you get all excited to grab a whip and get a crackin’, you must know that Fawcett’s adventure isn’t even close to being on the level of anything that the great Dr Jones accomplished.  You would think that WOULD be the case by looking at the image above, but that’s just one tiny part.  When not dodging the natives, Fawcett and company are kept busy by chopping dense trees in the jungle, attracting diseases, losing supplies, and being away from family (his are played by Sienna Miller and Tom Holland) for years, but yet, never losing hope of finding Z

And we don’t lose hope in Fawcett or his convictions and dreams either, cause he flows so well in the acting body of Charlie Hunnam.  I haven’t seen Sons of Anarchy or anything else he’s been in (although apparently he was in Children of Men), so he’s all new to me.  Oh man, I now LOVES ME SOME HUNNAM BEEF!!!!  He’s like an equally as gruff/less obnoxious/easier to understand Tom Hardy!  He’s like Brad Pitt, but he can actually act!  I know we’re half-ish way through the cinematic year, but it’s gonna be tough for anyone to top the Indiana Jonesing hard-on I have for Charlie as Percy.  Man o man!  BREAST IN SHOW ACTING!!  Hunnam as Fawcett – my cup runneth over!!!

But like I said, you may be put off by a movie about discovery that actually doesn’t really discover anything, but you will at least discover how incredible Charlie Hunnam (and his mustache) is (and how Robert Pattinson is also pretty darn good too… looking like Fagin from Oliver Twist)

I hope you found what you were looking for Percy, and are still chilling in Z!  Z’s nuts!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Lost is FOUND currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
The Pryce Is Right, Everything Else Mostly Wrong
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 110 min

OMG OMG OMG, do you remember how much fun and awesome and dumb perfection and hotty hot hottness the first GI Joe movie was????  I DO!  I DO!!! It made The Transformer movies look more like a has-been trash-bin than the Hasbro heroes we grews up on. Well, they decided to make a sequel, and obviously they had nowhere to go but up, but apparently they decided to go down.  There were rumors that Wild Bill and Shipwreck & Tomax and Xamot(!!!!!!!) would get added to the respective good guy and bad guy crews, but they weren’t, and actually many of the cool characters from #1 were dumped.  They went ahead and filmed the movie, then delayed it by a year.  Apparently they wanted to convert it to 3-D (like anyone was really clamoring for that), and there were rumors that they wanted to un-kill off Channing Tatum’s Duke character.  Well, they still killed him, early in the film.  Yawn

So what’s the problem with the sequel, Retaliation??  I mean, Bruce Willis’ is in it!  Wait, he was in it?  I think he showed up for 10 seconds, smirked, took his check, and then checked out.   The dumb fun from #1 lost the ‘fun’ part of the equation on its way to becoming a #2.  There juss wasn’t much fun to be had, and moistly importantly, and sadly, hottness.  For some reason they dumped Sienna Miller‘s Baroness and Rachel Nichols‘s Scarlett.  That’s like making a sequel to Spring Breakers and replacing the four slutty hotties with four Joan Cusacks (nothing personal Joan).  UNACCEPTABLE!!!  How are Cobra gonna destroy the world and the Joes save it with less hottness???  I mean Adrianne Palicki as Lady Jaye is fine and all, but they didn’t even put her in pleather, or have her take a shower.  UNACCEPTABLE.  But there were ninjas, and briefcases, which kept things watchable, but when your most convincing and masterful performance is two Jonathan Pryces for the pryce of one, you know your GI Joe sequel isn’t as killer as you instinct. It kinda in-stinks.  But them briefcases!  And those ninjas!!!  Yes, those ninjas – Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow – need their own spin-off movie, and if they go that route, please have them ninja star the RZA to death within the first 2 minutes of the movie, and then have Scarlett and the Baroness shower together for the next 7 hours

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

GI Joe is a yo-no at a theater near jews 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hitchcock
Nobody Toby Does It Better
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 98 min

Ever wonder how Psycho got made?  Read wikipedia.  But if you don’t know how to read, we guess you can settle on Sacha Gervasi‘s sorta making of tale, that has more to do with Hitchcock eating & drinking & cigar smoking & spurning his behind the scenes wife & collaborator Alma Reville (Helen Mirren) than it does about mastering suspense.  This movie has zero suspense and about zero mastery of anything, and Anthony Hopkins seems to be imitating Batman’s Penguin more than he’s trying to emulate Sir Alfred.  But it’s watchable.  You can watch Scarlett Johansson have Janet Leigh’s hair or Jessica Biel‘s teef stick out like Bugs Bunny as she tries to be Vera Miles.  The only truly interesting thing (besides the employment of Ralph Macchio!) was the devil on Hitch’s shoulder being none other than the film/book’s true psycho inspiration - Ed Gein (played by the one and only Michael Wincott!), leading we to believe that an Ed Gein biopic (a real one, not this BS) woulda been a better movie to make than a snoozy look at Ant Hopkins in 3893939 lbs of flabby make-up

BUT you can do better – you can watch HBO/BBC’s The Girl, which is more about Hitchcock tormenting Tippi Hedren than it is about Hitchcock & the making of The Birds, but it’s actually a movie movie, instead of a nothing nothing trying to be something + Toby Jones FCUKING KILLS IT as Sir Alfred, and it’s dirty and sexy + Sienna Miller gets dirty and sexy and she’s the breast.  Good for Toby!  He was the better Capote in the better Capote movie, but his Capote came wayyy after Capote 1 came out, so he got a raw deal, like not getting the Oscar that went to Phil Sey Hoffs (he was good, just not AS good as Tobes).  Well, this time, Toby’s Hitchcock joint got out the gate first, but since it’s an HBO movie and not a movie in a theater, he once again won’t get his due for doing right.  In all honestly, Hopkins’ Hitch flick belongs on TV and Toby’s belongs at a theater near jews.  GO TEAM TOBY!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hitchcock hitchshlocks inin limited release Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…