that time Michael Jackson visited the set of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade

[TINP]

Ready Player One
Props Culture
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

At the close of last year, I bemoaned that The Post was material not worthy of Spielberg’s talents.  He’s a great history teacher, but I prefer him as a science(-fiction) professor.  Take his Lincoln, his Bore Horse, his Bridge of Thighs (two of which were good movies), and erase his names off of them.  Let someone else direct those movies.  Give me more of his The Adventures of Tintin.  Did you see that movie?  It was STUNNING.  I wanted him to make 239239239 more of them.  He didn’t, but hey, my post-Post prayers have been answered in his big screen version of Ernest Cline‘s Ready Player One book (which I sadly didn’t read, but now maybe should have).  THIS is the kind of movie Spielbergo needs to direct.  This material isn’t beneath him, nor above him – it suits and fits him perfectly like a Power Glove

Spielberg made his mark in the 80s.  Ready Player One is a movie/book love letter to that time, and even to the movies he made and produced (Back To The Future!  Jurassic Park).  And it feels like a Spielberg extension of the leap he took when he finished Kubrick’s A.I..  A.I. was his love letter to Kubrick, and it didn’t feel like a Spielberg movie whatsoever, and that’s part of what makes it such an incredible undertaking and end result.  I mean, look at this!

And with RPO, Spielberg is free of Kubrick’s ghost and essentially makes his own A.I.

Now I’m not going to say that RPO is perfect – it’s not – it does better with the virtual gamer sh!t than it does with the reality real world stuff, and the ending was kind of a meh drop off, but it’s one fcuking hell of a visual ride that must be taken on the big screen.  My jaw was dropping endlessly, and my eyes kept popping out, not believing the unbelievable things it was seeing (spoiler alert – The Shining stuff alone is worth the price of admission).  It’s like a Tintin adventure for the modern and future-modern times.  Most importantly – it just works.  It works, where other films like it should have worked but just didn’t, like Speed Racer, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Tron: Legacy, Sucker Punch, and even Back To The Future II

And what really worked for me was that it’s a movie that takes place in 2044, but it feels like an 80s movie.  The good guy is our Marty McFly-type (Tye Sheridan, who made his debut with Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life, a visual feast as well), the bad guy is straight out of any 80s movie evil corporate boardroom (Ben Mendelsohn, who should be in EVERYTHING), and the ghost hanging over the whole affair (not Kubrick) is a cross between Steve Jobs and Louis Tully (Mark Rylance, nailing the nerdy awkwardness, kinda like he was Mitch from Real Genius).  Not sure how 80s Olivia Cooke‘s character was, but I love her and her eyes, and it had to be said

Spielbergo, I’m ready for more, player.  So why are you bothering with remaking West Side Story?  Are you too close to George Lucas to touch a Star Wars movie?  You wanna remake something?  REMAKE THE PREQUELS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Player One is Ready for you today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Post
All The Old News That’s Fit To Reprint
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

The President is a liar filled with lies!  Newspapers need to speak the truth but are trying to be silenced by the President!  Women are ready to step up and play with the big boys!  The country is under much duress and stress cause of all of this stuff!  Is this 2017????  No, it’s 1971!!!  OMG – HOW TIMELY!!!  OMG – SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE!!!  HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF!!!  FAKE NEWS!!  REAL NEWS!!!!!!

Yeah, so, er, um, yeah, so Señor Spielbergo and Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep do their patriotic flaming liberal duty to stick it to today’s man by re-sticking to yesterday’s man in making a lesser All The President’s Men in The Post!  This movie wasn’t HASTE-ly made, and there’s a lot of love and energy and great acting (and mustard brown color) going on, and IT IS ALL SO IMPORTANT, but it’s ultimately a movie about whether a newspaper owner and editor want to green light or red light publishing a story.  That’s it!  That’s the whole movie!  Should we publish this and let the people know the truth???!!!  Or do we play it cool and not publish and therefore not get punished???  WHAT TO DO???  WHAT TO DO???

It’s kinda much ado and to do about nothing.  Look, I agree it’s all IMPORTANT stuff, and I did enjoy watching this movie, but after it ended, I was like, that’s it?  They published a story and that was the entire movie???  Oh, so it’s more about that.  It’s about how Kay Graham came into her own, being the Washington Post‘s owner, and how editor Ben Bradlee always fought the good fight!  Good for them, and for us!  No, seriously!  I grew up on The Washington Post, and it remains my paper!  I LOVE THEM!

But I dunno.  I’m tossed.  It’s a story that needed to be told, but there’s not much storytelling to tell.  It feels like easy material kinda beneath the heavyweight skillsets of Spielbergo and Hanks and Streep.  They could have made the same darn good movie with Brett Ratner, Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl and it would still be important!

Verdictgo: I mean, it’s still a good movie, so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Post publishes at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Peace The Forks Out

to

Chuck Berry

+

co-founder of the greatest restaurant ever

(that isn’t Popeyes, Keens or Houstons)

Jimmy Breslin

a sister Sledge

he built a bridge to Madison County

Lou Duva

a Knick

Knick announcer

he blobbed

Scarface‘s mother

liver liver

producer who worked with Marvin Gaye

WTC sphere man

he was your everything

he worked an Italian Job

a Topps topper

Southern U coach

Soviet hockey star

some record producer

some runner

some French footier

some Fox-y writer

some Caribbean poet

some harmonicaer

some flute guy

tetracycline-er

&

Robert Osborne

forget changing the $20 bill, and change ALL bills to Money Pit bill$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!

SO FCUKING MONEY!!!!!!!!!!