2011 didn’t bring us any swans, social networkers, toothy dogs or voids that needed exiting ASAP, but that didn’t stop movies from being released.  we saw a bunch of them, and in our humboldt opinion, here’s the top of the plops…

No Hate’een
On These Eighteen

1) Project Nim

Apes re-rose this year, but it was the real life tale of one displaced pot-smoking chimpanzee who had to battle nature vs nurture vs short-minded humans that truly made a monkey out of us.  After this and Man On Wire, we’re foaming at the mouth and between the thighs to see what’s next in James Marsh‘s beyond goodie bag

2) Certified Copy

What is real, and was is not?  And are they, or are they not???????  Whatever it is and they are, this shiz is Certified blam-mazzin!!!

3) The Adventures of Tintin

Señor Spielbergo shows us what a 4th Indiana Jones could have been (without Georgie Lucas) MAD F$%KING FUN, YO!!!  Also, probably one of the best animated movies of this century.  YES, THIS CENTURY!!!

4) Tabloid

Mormon sex in chains case, the docuMENTALary.  Joyce McKinney would win an Oscar if she wasn’t a real person, so instead she won our ears and hearts 9ever

5) Melancholia

for once, a happy von Trier movie!!!!  and it’s got nude moon-bathing!!!  and Kiefer Sutherland!!!!!

6) The Skin I Live In (La Piel que Habito)

THIS IS NO SKIN THAT ANYONE WOULD WANTS TO LIVE INS!!!! YIKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7) The Tree of Life

Forget all that beach sense-non at the end, and remember everything else – the dinosaurs, the mother’s pure love, the father’s tough love, and all that running thru the house.  Thanks for the days hours of heaven T-Mal

8) We Need To Talk About Kevin

Parents, don’t let your kids grow up to be archers, but that’s probably inevitable if yer mom is half-amphibian and yer dad is the king of all schlubs

9) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Another Fincher clincher, but seriously, the Anita Vanger plot hole keeps it from being the greatest movie ever.  not really, but kinda?

10) Shame

Barely a movie, and more like a feeling, a really dirty one, filled with Mulligan showers and Fassbendy shlong dangles.  Gets under yer skin, and makes you want to eyeball screw every woman on the subway

11) Into The Abyss

Werner Herzog goes mos death, penalty, and it’s up to you if the play is fair or foul

12) Meek’s Cutoff

Kelly Reichardt makes really slow and boring modern movies, so when she turned her movie clock back to the dusty & musty ye olde Oregon trail thymes, she struck dysentery gold!!!

13) J Edgar

Anyone who thought The Aviator was good is a giant moron.  Anyone who doesn’t think J Edgar is good, probably thinks The Aviator was good.  This is Leo’s best work since he ate Gilbert’s grapes

14) The People vs George Lucas

This doc sums up everything about our lives, cept for the masturbation, fried chicken, and masturbating with fried chicken parts

15) Drive

Some substance, all style, and that’s just fine, cause of that jacket, and those nightcallings, and them crazy Jews, and that elevator action, and that jacket, again

16) Tyrannosaur

Punch, drunk, hate.  Make a date to watch it, but not with someone you love.

17) The Trip

If Rob & Steve made a movie where all they did was sleep, WE WOULDN’T SLEEP ON IT!!!!!

18) Anonymous

ROLAND EMMERICH MADE A MOVIE THAT WASN’T HORRIBLE!!!!!  IN FACT, IT WAS KINDA F%^KING AWESOMES!!!  IT MAKES SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE LOOK LIKE SHAKESPEARE IS SUCKS!!!!

and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

Abduction (it’s all about the ABS!), Bill Cunningham New York (take a bite out of this little apple!), Bombay Beach (life ISN’T a beach!), The Conspirator (Wilkes Booth truth!), A Dangerous Method (dangerously sexy!!!), The Devil’s Double (doubled our pleasure), Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (ext cloying, but kinda incred moving), Final Destination 5 (3-D done/dumb well), The Help (still makes we want to eat fried chicken), Housemaid (clean up on aisle yikes!!!), (the last 1/4) of Hugo, Jane Eyre (the eyre up there!), Limitless (for once, a watchable DeNiro movie), Midnight In Paris (the clock strikes movie magic!) Moneyball (so money… ball!), Prom (let’s party!), Rise of The Planet of The Apes (bananas!!), Scream 4 (all hale Lucy!!), A Separation (anxiety!), Sleeping Beauty (no penetration!),  Source Code (groundhog’s slays) Submarine (stays afloat and then some!), Super 8 (even if the ending wasn’t so super), Terri (the ultimate pajama jammy jam), Vidal Sassoon: The Movie (what about bobbed???), Warrior (brooding & the beasts)

next up (at some point) is our anal-ual movie awards, but feel free to feel up years past gas in the meanthyme

2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

Tabloid
Re: Joyce & Shout!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 88 min

Errol Morris is incapable of making uninteresting documentaries.  Yeah for us!!  He’s incapable cause his subjects, ranging from the wrongly accused, the wrongly abused, men of war, men of death, and even those who run pet cemeteries, are the very definition of interesting.  Add whatever Joyce McKinney is to that list.  And maybe even add her to the top of it.  Her sordid tale(s) may not be as important as the others that Morris has chronicled, but his Tabloid may certainly be his most memorable, simply because Joyce is a natural born storyteller, even if a over-embelishing one, and just one giant treasure chest of entertainment… who happens to have a giant chest… and smile!

So, who eggzactly is Joyce McKinney?  To tell you anything about her would truly ruin the fun. 9REALS!!!  She doesn’t have a wiki entry, but the news she caused back in the late 70s does [click if you must].  And it’s not even juss that event and aftermath that makes up Tabloid.  There’s another one that puts Joyce back into the trashy news limelight 30 years later, and all we’ll say is that it involves something called ‘Booger’.  So, go on and pick it, and pick this to see.  You’ll love hearing all about Joyce from Joyce (and a few others), and maybe you’ll even fall in love with her as a person, like Morris has, and us too!!!

Eclipsed By The Moon: when Joyce met Keith Moon.  why?  see the frickin doc, will ya?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tabloid splash pages and screens in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…