Thighs Wide Shut

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…

+ White Stripes add 18 (!!!) US dates to their world domination tour. No NYC dates as of yet, but it’s safe to say they’ll be during football season!

+ Something lamely called AmsterJam is headed to Randall’s Dumphole August 20th. Curatored by Bootsy Collins, this event will be a day of live mash-ups featuring such combos as Snoop Dogg with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, 311 with Fat Joe, and Garbage with Mos Def + otherzzz. [via Blyn’s BEST]

+ And if you is in a cave and didn’t hear, all of the acts of Live 8 is set. Us Americans get stuck with our homegrown crap talent (sans Stevie Wonder), but somehow were thrown a bone with the Kaiser Chiefs.

• The baby geniuses over at KiddieRecords dug up some rare ole Disney MP3 hotness, but now has left yer humble mumbler crazy hungerin and hankerin and huntinin for the original soundtrack to his mos flavorite double Oscar Nominated Disney gem of thighsthymme starring Donald Duck AND Carmen Miranda’s sister: The Three Caballeros. If you’ve never seen this loco enchilda fiesta of a toon, you flavioiously didn’t have a childhood and I pity and shit on you. It’s like the OG Who Framed Roger Rabbit, where toons & G-rated poon [NSFW] go hand in hand! So can ANYONE help me find this lost on a digital world soundtrack? This mission is even more importante (that’s Spanish for ‘important’) than my jihad crusade on ending Vince Vaughn’s career (although he really needs no help from me… being probably the most unfunny actor that everyone deems funny). If you find it, I may buy you a hamburger. And if yer a vegetarian, I’ll take you out and force you to eat bacon. In the greenwich meantime, for a lil taste of what I’m stalkin’ about, download Bing Crosby doing ‘Baia’ & ‘You Belong To My Heart’, which both appeared in the film, juss not his versions. [MPtres via LP2CD]

• And look what Disney’s doing these days: Instead of coming up with stellar 2-D toons, they’re busy digitally reducing Lohag’s ex-gynnormous bazoongies from Herbie so not to make lil kids horny. I juss read this in the NYDN, but apparently this is old news. ADDDED: Defamer’s got visual evidence?

• Speaking of melons-collie, will Kylie Minogue’s ill boobies double-handedly reform the forking STONE ROSES?!??@#?@! If that happened, some might say, that sister is the messiah!!

• Leno on the stand is purty much like Leno on his show: no laughing matter.

• MC5 to Kick Out The Jams (motherfuddgers) from start to finnish @ NorthSix

• Clive Owen: ““I’ve always wanted to be James Bond. I’ll pour it all out right now! Why won’t they offer it to me?“

• The first sign of the Apocalypse? Or is it the second?

• NFL bids the ‘horse-collar’ tackle a-doo-doo. Is the camel clutch next?

• Gawd how I love the White Stripes, their new vid, and Meg White… even if she is a robot. [via link via ONTD]

• The Raven goes Rambo. Sounds like the biggest mistake since Dr Seuss went the Great White Way!

• Bad prequel news: Texas Fisher Price My First Chainsaw Massacre

• Good prequel news (for once): No Go on Crouching Cub, Hidden Valley Ranch

• Cathedral to Star in Da Vinci Code Film. Is that Charlotte Church’s less attractive cousin?

• Yeah Beck, the qwiker you can make Midnite Vultures II, the butter!

• Sharapova survives round 1, but loses in the pics dept. Sorry Engle, whomever you is, I guess we’ll have to wait a few more matches before the hot spandex wedgie photos arrive.

• Kasabian to write Engerland’s World Cup Anthem?

• Ringo wants to save his birthplace AND come easy @ Irving Platz June 19th.

• What do Phil Spector, Bob Geldof, the REAL Anakin Skywalker, Melting Nazis, and Lindsay Lohag all have in common? I dunno, but they creep the living FORK outta me!

• There’s nothing Grimm about Bellucci

• Want real Britney news, you know where to go. Want stoopid Britney stuff, then click here.

• Kournikova eats a popsicle. Want Moooore?

• Hey, is anyone seeing Gang of 14 tonight at the 9:30 Club?

• Educated consumers click here for 10% off.

• Normally I shun all things cartoony (sides Gorillaz videos and pre-1985 Disney stizz), but in this case, I’ll make an eggggggggsception. [Parker Sister]

• Just what my dad wants, a Skins’ jersey that sez ‘Name’ on it!! Then he’d be 1/2 as cool as his son who has ‘Your Name’ on his.

• Bid on Amy Sedaris’ John Hancocked Bust!

• The definitive Dark Side Over The Rainbow

• Billy Murray geht wieder mal unter die Geister!

• Pakula, this one’s for you: Thundercats Outtakes! [via the Gold DiSpencer]

• Cybernetic Parrot Sausage AND Origami w/Hot Dogs? [via Nipsy Newbsy]

• If you click on only one thing today, make it How To Dance Like A White Guy [via 1,2,3, Look @ Richie Lee]

• And while some people have gone the way of Skeletor, others juss keep getting better by the day. Cuthsplurt, how could I ever dispose you as Queen of Thighland? I’ll never say ‘never ever’, cause I never ever would have guessed that Keds could give me a Boner Stabone. Anywayz…

[via the always mammoth, UMC]

• WHOLLY FUCK, GRAMBO MCNABBS AN INTERVIEW WITH DANNY BOYLE!

• Duke sucks

• Does anyone know why my Mozilla browser always crashes when anything flash plays? HELP!!

• What be more dumber: the new batch of Star Wars flicks or their fans? [via Tom Welling Fan Club Prez]

• I heart the Inside Deep Throat Blog, girls with deep throats, and boobs washing cars. [last 2 NSFWers via Brawny Man]

• Wait, I thought Jesus was born in December?

• Don’t know what all this hoopla is all about, but I think that new LCD Soundsystem album blows like Vince Vaughn Psycho stizzle stossel.

• Even Christopher Guest agrees with me, mockumentaries are no longer funny.

• Juss a guess: the first White Stripes single, ‘Blue Orchid’, will be light in the bass dept.

• NYCers: See Jet Li as Bob Hoskins’ dog/slave/killer, who is taken in by a blind Morgan Freeman in Unleashed, for FREE.

• All-You-Can-Eat Tossed Salad Bar For Everyone!.

• I love games, especially ones that involve me… or HRT the II: Which House of Wax character are you?

On my first and only try, I is…

duhvs

– And I’m sorry I be hating on you so much these dayz Stevey, but that doesn’t mean the powers that be should get rid of 60 Minutes II altogether! Instead why don’t they 86 one of the 14 CSIs? [via The Bistro]

– Prince Harry could have done worse… like eating a watermelon the way del fuehrer loved to.

– Clips of the new Fantastic Four flick lead me to believe that it won’t turn out to be the debacle that Roger Corman’s was. But making Jessica Alba an invisible woman could be the wurst call since Olestra. [via the Double V-miesters]

– You can judge how narly and rad a President is by the musicians they snag for their inauguration. And by the looks of Bush’s line-up (Hilary Duff, Gloria Estefan, Ruben Studdard, and 3 Doors Down), you could say that’s he’s almost more hip than Donald Dumpsfeld. On the other hand, back in the weigh day, Clinton cemented his wickedness when he kicked it with Natalie Merchant, Fleetwood THE MAC, and the one day only supergroup known as Automatic Baby, which consisted of Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Larry Mullen, and Adam Clayton! Click this link to find an mp3 of their performance of U2’s ‘One’. Franzforkingtastic! If I was prez, I’d have The Fiery Furnaces, Air, White Stripes, and Ali G/Borat all perform in my honor. I’d also probably convince my first lady, Cuthbert the Hot, to pole dance for my supporters.

– Don’t trust every single Coachella rumor you hear or read, but feel free to be entertained by them. For eggzample, on the message board, some smorkbag claimed he heard from a friend at Capital (sic) Records that the likes of Korn, Limp Bizkit, and many other unlistenable bands were a go. And to which, someone retorted, ‘my friend at Mc donalds says the hamburgler is goin to headline night 1.’ Does anyone else find this humorwristic or do I need to get out more?

– Southwest Airlines to start flying out of real airports like LaGuardia and DC’s Reagan National… sorta.

– If someone out there is looking to start a blog and has no idea what to blog about, may I peas implore of you and bribe you with Girl Scout Cookies to make one dedicated to the finest sports and talk show on TV: Pardon The Interruption. This guy attempted to do so, but dropped the ball in ’02. Either way, how is it possible that PTI ever jumped the shark?

– What’s “continental” about a continental breakfast?

– Clicky here if yer dying to convert a specific dollar amount from the past to its present value, for any year after 1789. [via Cecil McKnowledge]

– Bryan Berg stacks cards for a living.

– I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney. That’s no headline, but Ben crApffleck’s directorial debut!?!?! [via CopyCatism]

– If you vote for Mike Birbiglia, I may get free sausages.

– Dizzee Rascal spackled my tackle box with Samantha Fox! Flazzum! Basically anytime Peabs posts, I’ll mos likely link to it. I mean, is there anyone more brilliant and beautiful than he is? Wait a sec, I think I may have just found the heir apparent to Andy Rooney!

– Mr Little Penis Gives Up. [SFW, not this SFW mind you!]

– And now it’s time for you all, my dear readers, to help decide the fate of the ‘Spot the Drummer’ thing you see here every Friday. Do any of you ever click on the pic (below) and play the game or should I just get rid of the whole damn thing so we can move on with our lives?