Thighs Wide Shut

What a great day today was today.

Not only did my belovededed Redskins actually win a fooball game today, but today I won a 80s Redskins sweater I’ve been yearning for for many years and many todays! Here’s is a picture of my belovededed Joe Gibbs wearing the sweater, not today, but from yesteryeartoday.

Not only that, but these beautiful babies were born on this today years ago today…



Marie Curie

Bizatch was mad radioactive!

1867

Leon Trotsky

An original Marx bros, Harpo, Groucho, and Pinko?

1879

Herman J. Mankiewicz

Dude’s work was an inspiration for

the White Stripes’ song ‘The Union Forever‘

1897

Viola Spolin

Who?

1906

Anastasiya Georgiyevskaya

Who times 2?

1914

Billy Graham

Gawd works in mysterious ways

1918

Dana Plato

Different Croaked

1964

Bianca Trump

NSFW tramp

1972

Jason London & Jeremy London

Supertwins/twits

1972 & 1972

Anthony Thomas

Mediocre RB who ran all over dem sorry a$$ G-men today

1977

and The Thigh Master

Master of Thighs,

ruler of Thighland,

spouse of Her Royal Thighness

also 1977

And here’s our whoreoscope from the Chi-town Sun-Times

IF NOV. 7 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You’ll be so grateful for what this year brings [like that wicked case of oral herpes I got?] — and your gratitude helps multiply your good fortune. [I always do thank my clients after giving them BJs and HJs] Next month features the games people play, and you love a good game! [well i do love a good game of Connect Four] Plus, you’re so adept at learning the rules and strategizing to optimize results. That’s why your career takes off in January. [when I resume my breakdancing career] A major relationship choice is featured in June. [awesome, can’t wait to get laid… in JUNE!] Your lucky numbers are 1, 9, 24, 39 and 52. [bullshit, my lucky #s are 7, 11, 13, 22, 1977, 2001, 2112, and my pin #]

Thanks to all who made the trek out to Queens on Saturday for my Sausage Fest B-day at the Bohemian Beer Garden, hispecially the cameos made by Joe E Tartar, RayKwan the Chef, and Meggghannn!! With last weak end’s big hoorah in DC and all this past weak end’s meat & beer filled sheninagans, this was one of me mos favoritistic b-day mr everest!!!

BREAKING NEWS: LOHAN HOSPITALIZED DUE TO HIGH FEVER!!!

BREAKING NEWS PART II: ELISHA CUTHBERT NAMED HOTTIEST CUTHBERT EVER BY THIGH MASTER

– Andrew Dreskin is trying to recruit Radiohead, Lou Reed, The Cure, Bjork, Sonic Youth, The Pixies, Norah Jones, No Doubt, Burning Spear, Toots & the Maytals, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Neil Young, Coldplay, Tom Waits, and R.E.M for Field Day 2005. Whoever he gets, eggspect the venue to be changed 2 minutes to showtime, 1/2 of the acts to be axed, and the anti-Christ to rise sometime during the weekend.

– Heard about Ashlee Simpson’s’ horribilistic ‘performance’ on SNL? Well see it here (Windows Media style). [via College Humor]

– Scooby Doo comes from behind to reclaim their crown, over The Simpsons, for having most episodes of a cartoon comedy series EVER! Heavens to Murgatroid!! I haven’t seen a come from behind victory like this from the Scooby Doobies since the Laff Olympics was held in Florida/China!

– Need a last minute costume that will scare the bejesus outta anyone? Click here. Or looking for something a lil bit more retro, why not go as student from yer favorite fictional High School. And I’m a bit BIAS about this one. [first 2 vias Senor Gomberigas]

– Phew, Love Actually cutie-fly Martine McCutcheon has no plans to wed. I’d like to dip my chips in her fish.

– Dis be a whole lotta plastic soldiers, dis be a whole lotta pumpkins, and dis (mos def NSFW) be a whole lotta love!

– When are YOU going to die? Hopefully not before the next Old Spice Pit Festival! [via the future Mr & Mrs Made of Brawnsteeens]

– What’s more boss than Hugo? Thumbing thru the Rolling Stone with LL on the cover to see K+1 making love to a can of Sparks (click ‘Reports’ off of main page)! Two grrrrrrrrrreat tastes in one place!!

– I can watch Fidel fall over and over and over. Does anyone know how to turn this into what would be the ultimate animated gif?

– Me new mostest favoritist word be slake.

– Nobel Sleaze Prize has gots to go out to the genius behind Bally’s strip tease class!! [via Laing Sack of Shiiit]

– Kriz-azy-a$$ black man. Need I say more? [via CityRagDoll via Catchdubs]

– And for all to enjoy, here’s David Brent’s s’wonderful cover of ‘If You Don’t Know Me By Now’. [right click save hotness via Megbot]

– To hell with the re-united Wu-Tang Clan and to heaven with the re-united Seaver Clan, sans stoopid a$$ Leo who forgot his roots!! Gawd DANG Joanna Kerns/Maggie Seaver is STILL so fruckin FLY! And DANG gawd Jeremy Miller/Ben Seaver is STILL so frodging awkward looking! [via My Man Marvkus]

– Ken Jennings is not only some kinda genius, but a dirty lil bastage. When the answer was ‘This term for a long-handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure seeker’ he said this. [via Radosh via Posh n Beckers]

– Itching to play Halo 2 a month before it comes out, and for free?

– Beatles + Cirque du Soleil = Siegfried and Roy replacement!

– White Stripes to release one of me mos personal favorite covers EVERgreen as a single: Dolly Parton’s ‘Jolene’.

– Lohan is That 70’s Show bound and hopefully gagged. Me didn’t realize that that show was still on the air.

– Farrell & Fox to team up for Miami Vice flick? Maybe they can get Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas to duet on the sdtrk.

– This guy really loathes IKEA.

– The single most unpopular gift for the holly-daze has got to be Turd Birds.

– Why do CDs cost $15.99?

$0.17 Musicians’ unions

$0.80 Packaging/manufacturing

$0.82 Publishing royalties

$0.80 Retail profit

$0.90 Distribution

$1.60 Artists’ royalties

$1.70 Label profit

$2.40 Marketing/promotion

$2.91 Label overhead

$3.89 Retail overhead

Wal-Mart sez eat a dick to that shiz!

– These cookies aren’t eggzactly Prince Charming. Ahhhhhhh snap, ginger style!

– How the fiddlesticks can Chick-fil-A be the #1 drive-thru spot in Amorica when we aint even gots on in the NYC area and it’s closed on Sundays? [via The Fiddler]

– It goes without saying that Uncle Grambo is the f-in BlogFather of the entire f-in blogosphere. Yesterday’s post was eggceptional… and I aint juss saying that cause he gave me some stizz love or that we’re heteroflexible lovers.

– Our gal CityRagDoll drops the story behind Britney Federline’s foot tattoo.

– You know yer a bona fide cultural icon when you get poked fun of in a video game. Case eggzample: that fat Star Wars kid in the new Tony Hawk game. [via Pakulashaker]

– Pray that this isn’t yo granny!! [NSFW via Z de la Roachclip]

– Free movie ticks to Finding Neverland and for us NYCers: Sideways & Undertow

– In the WTF department, we give you the wurstest David Bowie cover mt everest! [via Popbitch]

– And here’s something for you San Francisicindiansians to do this tweakend:

The Fiery Furnaces with White Magic

Bowery Ballroom – September 25

Donny & Marie Osmond. Karen & Richard Carpenter. Eleanor & Matthew Friedberger. Which of these brother-sister musical combos isn’t like the other? Let me axe you a butter question, which of these sibling sensations rocked the rizzle roof off the Bowery Ballroom this past Saturday night, in front of yers drooly, the Dog of Landers + 498 other beautifullofit people? I’ll give you a hint, it’s the duo whose last name sounds like they were the focus of a Capturing The documentary. The Friedbergers are the pimps behind the wheels of one of the mostest uniqueness bands I’ve heard in a wrong time: The Fiery Furnaces. If you haven’t picked up their exotic 2nd album, Blueberry Boat, you’ve missed out on one of the breastest releases of this year. [Note: The Double Fs are like microwaved tuna, an acquired taste listen that won’t agree with everyone’s palette… especially if you have no taste.]

I was eagerly awaiting to see how their tongue-tying lyrics and whimsical circus-like smorgasbord of sound would translate into a live performance and to my udder delight, they was berry very amazinglyumcredibleisticali (btw, that’s the new CrazySexyCool)! Sure, any good ‘F’ band from Fugazi to Franz Federline can replicate their sound purrfectly on stage, but it takes a certain (alec) geniusness to take yer entire oeuvre, flip it on its head (yes, songs have heads) and re-mix it into a hour + medley of majestic manic madness that left me munching for more!! The Friedbergers, along with their rabid stick-man Andy Knowles and synthesizersoother Toshi Yano, kept the energy level and toe tappinin at such an absolute maximum overdrive, from start to finnish furniture, that no one even dared to mcnabb a second beer or see a man about a horse, or a whore for that matter. The White Stripes may be the breastest fake brother-sister duo in music today, but the Fiery Fs are the ultimate warrior breastestness real bro-sis one-two punch in our known solar system. And I think I’m gonna have to toss aside Ms Lohan cause I’m starting to swoon for Eleanor F… not to be confused with Axel F.

Other notes:

– The White Magic’s music and singing seem like they should eggsist in separate bands. And, although their lead singer resembles Sissy Spacek, I’d still like to eat pecan waffles off her body and play hours of Othello with her.

– Couzin Dan-o, who shares the same appetite for destruction of the human stomach as I do, recommended the vodka pizza at Pomodoro for pre-show eats, and after shoving it down my pie hole, I have to highly recommend it too.

– The JMZ subway line has gotta be the mostest worthless in all of NYC.

Further Reading: NYThymes, Pitchspork Media, and Latin Inches

– Although I’ve heard it’s an absolute disappointment, me is still hexcited to czech out Sacha Baron Cohen do his thing in the 2002 flick Ali G Indahouse, which makes its US DVD debut on November 2nd (what a great b-day present that would make for the Thigh Master). The movie co-stars new Dumbledore Michael Gambon and Tim from The Office. We’ll also finally get to see what his mate Ricky C and his girl Me Julie really look like. Peep the teaser trailer here.

– The fine folks over at Use My Computer have some of the mos umcrediblelicious Lohan pics me has seen in months! She’s not even uber-tanned/Oompa Loompafied in any of them.

– The Archdukes claimed the Mercury Prize. That was probably the safest bet since the cancellation of The Mullets.

– White Stripes NOT to split. Meg White, time to withdrawal that application from Arby’s and get back to banging dem drums and floppin’ dem boobies.

– Defamer deconstructs the Jersey Girl DVD box art.

– That Bastard, who be so Magnificent has uncovered the true lost brother of John Kerry: Count Chocula (see last pic in 4th row)

– A lot has changed since I was a senior in High School. Peep this fab collection of senior photos. [via Posh n Beckers]

– Rappers, hip-hoppers, and flip-floppers will have to pay for every sample used. Who said that originality was dead?

– Sure Iran, sure.

– Tear For Fears are going to re-attempt to “Rule The World”. What, the Gary Jules “Mad World” royalties not paying the bills?

– Man shoots himself while demonstrating gun safety. Oh how I miss my days in Bloomington.

– Catster, it’s like Friendster, but even more lame.

– Neue Yawkers, two free flicks for ewes: Shaun of the Dead & What The Bleep Do We Know!?.

– A European scientist wants to create a DNA library on the moon just in case something bad happens to Earth. Lets send Lohan’s DNA there first so future generations of Thigh Masters can enjoy her… thighs.

– These be some purty pictures.

– I know you want to own The Holy Grail & Jabba’s bizatch Salacious Crumb (child not included). [via Navi]

– This has gots to be the longest review of Zardoz ever. [via Newbsy Russell]

– Guess which NFL team makes the most cash? Yep, the greatistist organization on the planet, The Washington Redskins. [via Senor Gombiergas]

– Play Mary-Kate Olsen’s Crack-Man at yer own risk.

– German Caught Having Sex With Doll. Thankfully it wasn’t with Kid Sister or My Buddy. [via Made of Brawn-stein]