Thighs Wide Shut

Frankenweenie
James Whale of a Good Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 87 min

Tim Burton, creatively, hasn’t had much luck adapting other people’s claims to fame.  Alice was far from a Wonderland.  That Chocolate Factory desperately needed to be condemned.  Planet of the Apes?  More like Planet of the WÃœRST!!  Sure, Dark Shadows wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t as awesome as it could have been neithers!  So what if he adapted his own claim to fame?????  Taking his 1984 live-action short film [WATCH!!!] and turn it into a full-length stop-motion animation feature (basically an adaption of his adaption of Frankenstein)? On paper, it sounds like a sure thing, but so did all those other projects listed above, before they became sure thing disasters!!!!

But movies aren’t made on paper, they are made on film digital files!!!  And sometimes Tim Burton is capable of making things that don’t suck in the 21st century (BIG FISH!!!), and his long-form Frankenweenie far from sucks.  It’s actually his best work since Big Fish (although that doesn’t really say much) and more importantly, reminds us of a time when Burton wasn’t a studio hack, but a unique mastermind of weirdness and wonderment.  Could you ask for anything more?  Yeah, like 20 more real Tim Burton movies instead of 20 more bullsh!t Tim Burton movies

So how does the longer Weenie compare story-wise to the shorter one?  Basically the same (boy loves dog, dog dies, boy brings dog back to life, weirdness AND loveliness ensues), but everything this time around is more gothic-y/Burton-y/stop-motiony AND funner!!!  PLUS the boy, Victor Frankenstein (now voiced by Charlie Tahan), also gets more fleshed out classmates to play with, and THEY ARE ALL AWESOMEESSS!!!!!!  esp Edgar ‘E’ Gore voiced by Atticus Shaffer + one of them has the voice of Winona Ryder!!!!!!!  YES, WINONA AND TIM BACK TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE THIS PLEASE!!!! And Catherine O’Hara is back too!!!!  IT’S LIKE A BEETLEJUICEY SEMI NOT REALLY REUNION!!!!!  + Martin Short AND Martin Landau have voices!!!!!

This movie is a FrankenWINNER!  It’s true cause it’s true

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Frankenweenie IS ALIVE, today at a theater near jews!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chernobyl Diaries
Where It’s Kinda (Pripy)at
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 86 min

We siht you not, but touring Chernobyl is something we’ve semi-dreamed of doing.  Sounds stoopid, but people do it, and now it’s the premise for a movie, and of course we had to see this movie, cause it’s like a semi-dream come true!  Chernobyl is a nuclear power plant, and Pripyat is the adjacent city where the workers and their families lived.  When disaster stuck, the people left Pripyat and never returned.  It’s a ghost town permanently stuck in 80s USSRness.  How would anyone NOT want to go and visit that?!?!?  And how could this not make for a killer movie??!?!

The first half of Chernobyl Diaries, when our protagonists travel to and walk around Pripyat (obviously they didn’t actually film there, but they did a great job of make a faux version of the city!!!), is eggzactly what we were looking for in a Chernobyl movie - eeriness, mysteriousness, creepiness, and bordering on outright scarinessness.  Then when siht goes wrong, and when the movie turns into a pseudo-horror fest, the movie goes wrong.  Not exactly wrong in terribleness, but juss wrong to the just right that came before it.  The scarinessness they jam in our faces isn’t all that scary.  That’s part of the problem, cause empty Chernobyl/Pripyat itselfves is enuff scary that a movie about Chernobyl/Pripyat  doesn’t require additional lame scares that aren’t scary

moral of the story - Chernobyl Diaries is a basic dumb horror movie with a killer premise with much promise.  the promise is partly there, and the rest is a basic dumb horror movie.  One lil thing that was hugely lacking was a bit more backstory of the disaster.  Doubt the kind of people seeing this kind of movie are overly familiar with that kinda history.  The backstory IS the story, not some tourist kids being stuck in a place where no one wants to be stuck

Dark Shadows
Not Awful!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 113 min

Since Ed Wood, Tim Burton has made one really really good Tim Burton movie (Sleepy Hollow) and one really really really good non-Tim Burton movie (Big Fish).  The rest have been a waste of his talent and our time.  The remakes have been especially poor, so one doesn’t expect much of a TV remake, right?  Semi-wrong.  His Dark Shadows might not exactly be a return to form, but it’s more of a return to Burton norm, and even with a not so hot third act, this is still a good sign, and a decent movie to boot.  Johnny Depp & co sizzle with the material, and it’s a lot of fun, until the material sizzles out, and then it’s not as fun

btw, not a huge fan of blue eyes, but we want to make love to Bella Heathcote‘s baby blues.  btw, Dark Shadows neeeded like 8812838266363636% more Bella Heathcote and her eyes!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: despite weak endings, the beginnings warrant low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chernobyl and Shadows shed light to the darkness at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we salute you Carmen Filpi!! sadly, you are no longer with us, but your acting genius lives on in all the challenging roles you took on, such as ‘elderly man’, ‘old guy’, ‘old geezer’, ‘ancient guy’ and ‘old crusty man’, which were all probably juss nicer ways of saying what you were usually cast as: ‘bum’ (15+ times), ‘panhandler’, ‘homeless guy’, ‘wino’ or ‘codger’.  at least his bum character didn’t get such a bum rap in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, as his signature role even got a proper name: Hobo Jack

jimmy crack corn, and he didn’t care!

+ ‘Blue Tail Fly’

+ Ross: Best For Less