The Conjuring
A Warren Commission
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 112 min

There was a real family who lived at a real Rhode Island farmhouse and creepy sh#t happened, and it scared the crap out of them, and a real life husband-wife team of paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, came to their house and tried to set sh%t straight.  Regardless of what is actual fact or Hollywood fiction doesn’t matter, cause the film version of this tale - The Conjuring – delivers the best 70s’ horror film since… the 70s!  Sure, it’s no Exorcist, nor even The Omen, but it’s on par or even better than The Amityville Horror, and the 2009 throwback A Haunting In Connecticut, two flix both based off of other cases in the Warrens‘ files.  OK, so The Conjuring’s scares are old school cheap (voices in the dark, doors slamming, Lili Taylor‘s face), but are very old school effective. Purty crazy that this film was directed by the same guy that gave the world the Saw franchise life, James Wan.  Torture porn is so lame.  Real-ish life bumps in the night are so rad.  And so are Patrick Wilson & Vera Farmiga, who as Ed & Lorraine Warren are so f#&king best that we welcome more of their adventures, and welcome them to shower with me!!

Verdictgo: mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers/Creepers

Conjuring boos you at a theater near jews

oh, and random of randomness – Joey King, who plays one of the haunted family members, was in some Mathew Modine-Kristen Chenoweth movie where she dressed up like Jodie Foster’s Taxi Driver kid prostitute, a Reservoir Dog, and a droog.  WTF??

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

wait, they making a Bates Motel TV show with Bud Cort, Lori Petty and Jason Bateman???? 

oh wait, they already did and it was totes bad idea jeans, and beyond totes bad reality jeans too!!!

but wait, they’re doing a Bates Motel TV show again?  yeah, but the premise isn’t stoopid or involve Bud Cort or Lori Petty (no disrespect).  it’s about young fidgety Norman Bates and his domineering hot mother moving to a new town and owning a… MOTEL!!!!!!!!!!

wait, isn’t that what Psycho IV with Henry Thomas is was????

kinda, but that movie was made for cable and co-starred female Bill Cosby, so you know it mostly kinda sucks

look, we love Psycho.  it’s in a five-way tie for 2nd greatest film ever (along with Kane, Clockwork, Zodiac and Trainspotting… It’s A Wonderful Life is #1).  we’ve seen all 4 Psycho movies (#2 is actually pretty good!).  we even stayed awake during that dreck where Tony Hopkins was Batman’s Penguin cause it sorta had something to do with Psycho.  we ever read a book about Janet Leigh’s shower body double.  we’d even read a book about the actual shower, if one was written

Psycho is much bigger than one movie or even 4 of them and a failed TV show and a zillion other things.  Psycho‘s a boogeyman we never want to let go of.  we keep going back to the Bates home and that motel and try to figure out why?  and how?  Why Norman?  and how did you get this way?  and why?  and how???

well, we’ve seen the pilot episode of A&E’s new series – Bates Motel, and we never want to check out.  yep, this show gets it (right).  and it’s not cheesy, and there’s no Bud Cort or female Bill Cosby.  maybe the best thing to happen to the franchise was for Anthony Perkins to pass away.  Old Norman Bates has no legs.  But young Norman Bates????  Yes, that’s what we want to see.  Doing stuff with and to his mom, in that house, with that motel at the bottom of it.  But wait, doesn’t this TV show take place in modern times??????  EEEEEEKKK, it does.  But guess what – we quickly got over it, so, so can you, so!  why?  cause this show’s killer and we hope it remains so.  plus Freddie Highmore as young Bates is like Vanessa Hudgens in Spring Breakers = throw away your childish old movie garbage ideas about him and strap on some adult stuff that’s edgy and awesome!!!!!  Oh, and Vera Farmiga as Mama Bates is perfect, cause her eyes have always creeped us out, and now she’s playing a creepy mother of the creepiest character of (PERHAPS) all time

dude, book a room, NOW

+ this girl has mad potential hotness.  hopefully she bones Norman with that thing still in her nose!!

Source Code
Train Teaser
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Soooooo… there’s a train that explodes outside of Chi-town, and there’s no changing that, but the gov-mint could save future lives if they can figure out the who did it and why did it.  Enter purty boy Jake Gyllenhaal (who gets a lifetime pass from us for being in Zodiac), who’s like some amnesiac soldier tapped in box or something, tasked with finding the answers to those questions.  It’s a serious mission, he knows little about, and it’s an endless mission, that repeats over and over until his superiors (kind AND cold-eyed Vera Farmiga and a bordering on maniacal Jeffrey Wright pulling the strings) get that killer intel they desire.  Ya see, each time he gets thrust into the past, on that doomed train, he has only 8 minutes to dig deep.  Obviously he doesn’t complete the job on the first time (hottie Michelle Monaghan is a unwelcome distraction for him, and a welcome one for us!), and thus the movie is longer than 8 minutes

Just what we’ve all been waiting for: Groundhog Day with explosions!!!  Yesssss!!!!!!  And while some of the sci-fi-y stuff may be a bit too batty for lashing, and there’s sum pasted on sentimentality towards the end, director Zowie Bowie (Duncan Jones) and writer Ben Ripley‘s Source Code is one code worth cracking or breaking or sourcing or decoding or courcing or soding!!!!!!  It is!!!  Swears!!!  Who knew that the kin of David Bowie could truly make it on his own in a non-Will Smith’s children shoved down our throats kinda way!!!  His first feature, Moon, showed that the kid had talent and a cinematic eye (for Kubrick movies), but Code proves something even more important – that he could deliver quality Hollywood-type entertainment with a brain attached.  If you found Limitless to be limited (we didn’t), you won’t with Code

Thursday’s Child: father & son, in what musta been confusing times for the youngin

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Source Code bodes well today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fair Game
Plame Duck Hunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Remember that whole Valerie Plame affair?  That was so 2003!!  Well, if you 5got:  the Plamester was that superfly CIA agent who was outted by her own government as payback against her rebel rousing hubby Joe Wilson, who dared to speak out against the Bush administration’s dubious claims of weapons of mass destruction existing in Iraq, which we all know was the pre-text for going to war.  So what is the Doug Liman directed, Butterworth Bros scripted (based on the books by Val & Joe) flick all about?  The above description, but with a slightly deeper look at how it affected their careers, marriage and home-life!!!  Can you imagine?  You want to do nuttin but help yer country, and when you try to help it in the best possible way, the country takes a giant dump on you and then you can’t even help yerself!!!!  AND then you have to take care of your kids by like feeding them and taking them to playgrounds, and STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

A brave, but quiet Naomi Watts (originally slated to be Nicole Kidman) and an irated potato-head Sean Penn shine in the juicy lead roles (it’s like a less depressing/nude 21 Grams reunion!). They’re surrounded by bunch of quality actors doing fine in nothingish roles, like Sam Shepard, Bruce McGill, Brooke Smith, Ty Burrell and Noah Emmerich, and everything else is fair enuff to be totally watchable.  Yet, truth be told, we actually prefer the fictionalized version of the same events, from a different angle, done up with more drama and intrigue in 2008’s little seen Nothing But The Truth. In Truth, Kate Beckinsale plays a Judith Millerish character who refuses to divulge her source who was the leaky cauldron in a Plame-like outting (Vera Farmiga), and paid the price for doing so by going to jail.  Both films accomplish the same goal, bringing delicate real-life situations of fighting the power to light in a moist entertaining way, and lets its viewers walk away questioning and distrusting all the President’s men.  You go girls!!!!

Platts!!!: Plame & Watts, instant hottie besties!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fair is Game enuff this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…