Thighs Wide Shut

Solo
Sabacc to the Future
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 135 min

I don’t care how many directors it took to screw in the Solo origin story light bulb, but the most important director of them all turned out to be the CASTING director (or whomever at Disney makes the calls – Kathleen Kennedy?).  They NAILED young Han in going with Alden Ehrenreich (I’ve long been a fan).  Could there be a cooler young Lando than Donald Glover is??  NO.  And Joonas Suotamo has already proved his worth in wookie fur for his third screen jaunt as Chewbacca.  And for me, that’s enough to mark Solo down as a success.  I believe in those guys as younger versions of my childhood heroes that I don’t even care about the imperfections of the movie that has no real reason for being other than MONE$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$YYYYYYY!!

So what works besides the dudes we already know and love?

Paul Bettany works.  he’s a human enemy, which is rare for Star Wars, and he’s one of the more intriguing baddies we’ve been given in awhile (human, Muppet, awful CGI).  I’ll take him over Snoke any day.  Gawd fcuking dammit – how awful is Snoke?  And even though Bettany’s Dryden Vos has a dumb name, I also kinda like it!  VOS IS BOS!

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and how bout them sets?  they have that lived-in Star Wars universe look to them.  every film since Jedi is too polished. the prequels especially, but even the other new ones look TOO clean.  Solo gets the dirt and grim right (very Mad Max looking too!), and even the classy joints too.  I LOVE the windows in Vos’ pad.  Coolest far far away galaxy architectural design since Cloud City!

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Woody Harrelson‘s mustache.  I didn’t fully care for his Haymitch Abernathy-like character Tobias Beckett (what kind of a fcuking name is that?  AND WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE PUTRID NAMES???), but he did teach Han valuable lessons, like if you want to be taken seriously, don’t have a mustache like this, no matter how good it looks on Woody!

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L3-37 – initially, I was like WTF is this sassy Tilda Swinton sounding (actually Phoebe Waller-Bridge‘s voice) droid that wants to jump Lando’s bones?  Also, why do robots want to bang humans?  Humans don’t need to bang droids.  Humans should stick to banging banging hot Cuban holograms, but L3-37 (a name# I had to look up) grows on you, and you can see why Lando may want to jump her bones bolts with his nuts.  Plus she gets a scene with the best cameo of the film (and it’s not the red & black dude with thorns in his head)

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the humor.   it works here the way it didn’t work in The Last Jedi.  Jedis are seriously and have dry humor that they rarely use. Han is a scoundrel and a jokester.  As a young dude, he should be even jokey-er, and they did that.  Jedis, not so much.  Thankfully this movie is Jedi free!!

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THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL!!  FINALLY, we meet you!  And you did not disappoint, although the above grounds of Kessel were a little more sweet than the mines themselves.  And Sabacc!  The game we all don’t know AND love cause it’s how the M Falcon was won!!!  And now YOU can play Sabacc at home!

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and other stuff worked, but mainly Alden Ehrenreich is the works that works and works and works me over.  Alden Ehrenreich forever!!!  EVEN IF I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER HOW TO SAY OR SPELL HIS NAME EVER!!!  Let him play young EVERYBODY.  Young Jack Torrance! Young Bullitt!  Young everyone that isn’t Clint Eastwood, cause he’s got that kid that looks exactly like him!!! 

also, sorry Leo, but Alden for life!

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so what didn’t work? not much didn’t, but…

Emilia Clarke as Qi’ra.  didn’t care for her whatsoever.  her and her giant eyes and tiny frame seemed out of place.  felt like she was acting in a non-Star Wars movie.  sadly they’re setting her character up for future stuff.  The only future I see is that I like her character even less.  I’m already counting down the days when Han gets older, wiser and moves onto princesses #iKnow

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and whatever this guy was.  he sucked.  too much monkey bidness.  bad CGI.  just dumb.  naturally he was voiced by Jon Favererauuu

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Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Solo HANds it to you at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…