Jack Reacher
Preacher Comforts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

December is a month of endless Oscar-baiting fare, where the movies are bloated, depressing and hard to watch.   Christopher McQuarrie‘s Jack Reacher is the antidote to all that stuff, and Jack Reacher is nothing without one of the last movie stars standing, standing tall (even though he’s not so tall) - Tom Cruise.  Tom is Jack, a loner, Dottie, a rebel.  Whether you can believe that Tom Cruise could pass as a drifter matters very little, cause basically Jack Reacher is a looser Mission: Impossible, which means it’s more fun, and sirprizingly, and most welcomelyer, funnier!   What more do you need to know?  You don’t, but we’ll go on for a little bit more anywayz

Our movie starts off with a sniper randomly picking off people, but MAYBE THE VICTIMS AREN’T RANDOM?!??!?!  The sniper is caught, but MAYBE THE CAUGHT SNIPER ISN’T THE ACTUAL SNIPER?!?!??!?  The DA’s office (Richard Jenkins and David Oyelowo, who’s like 2nd second coming of Chiwetel Ejiofor) thinks it’s an open and shut case.  The alleged sniper’s lawyer (bouncy Rosamund Pike) thinks so too, but is juss looking for the best possible verdict that isn’t punishable by death.  Enter Jack Reacher, the only man who can possibly save the alleged sniper, and maybe save the day too.  Guess what, he might juss do all of these things, AND go toe to toe with baddie Werner Herzog (I laughed out loud EVERY time he spoke on screen, partly cause it’s ridiculous, but mostly cause casting Werner Herzog as a bad guy is a stroke of genius and awesomeness and amazingnessness and I couldn’t get over that fact!!!).  Robert Duvall pops in towards the end, and his no country for old man old man-ness only adds to the nutty bar fun, cause Robert Duvall characters wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!

But does Tom Cruise run in this movie?  A little, but he drives, cause he’s so driven, and the driving is FCUKING OFF THE BAKER’S RACK!!!!!!  And there’s punching!  And there’s more punching!  And gunfights!  AND LAUGHTER!  And a killer scene where two thugs have a great chance of taking out Cruise, but they keep on taking out each other.  OH REACHER!!!! YOU MAKE US WANT TO GIVE YOU A REACH-A-ROUND!!!!!!! Please people, go see this movie, so it does well and they greenlight 12 more of these, cause that’s what the world needs!!!  REACHER!!!  He should fight Arthur Treacher’s in the sequel, cause they suck!!!  TREACHER!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

3 Furious : please, never slow down

Alexia Fast

Jack Reacher reaches out and touches everyone at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Into The Abyss
A Tale of Death, A Tale of Life
The Texas Killing Buildings
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 107 min

Werner Herzog makes a jarring case against the death penalty is his mos eggsalad Into The Abyss (wait, hasn’t James Cameron cornered the market on all ‘Abyss‘ titled movies?).  While the doc didn’t really shift our opinion on the matter (we’re still kinda undecided.  killing people is wrong, but shouldn’t horrible people suffer for their sins?), it did scare us straight in a Scared Straight! kinda way, which means it scared us the f%^k away from doing anything that would ever land ourselves in jail or to the 36 chambers of state sponsored death.  5reals!!

Abyss revolves around the crimes and punishments of Texan two-some Michael Perry and Jason Burkett.  Basically, Perry & Burkett really wanted a flashy car and ended up killing a bunch of innocent people that stood between them and it.  They got caught, and one received a death sentence, and the other, a life sentence.  Herzog and his iconic/ironic voice takes us back to the beginning of the story and quickly brings us up to speed, on the motivations and emotions of all parties involved – the criminals (what the frak were you guys thinking!!!), the families of the victims (these poor poor people!!!!), the families of the criminals (listening to Burkett’s own jailed dad talk about seeing his son follow in his despicable footsteps is some of the saddest talkings we’ve heard in awhile), and even the death row angels of death (a chilling and unforgettable perspective from these final justice servicers)

There’s not much happiness in all this gloom and doom, but Herzog still finds a silver lining deep down in The Abyss. While it’s conflicting to watch Perry wind down his final days of life so nonchalantly, with a giant toothy grin (you almos feel sorry for the bastard!), it’s even mo sirprizing and even a lil inspiring to see how Burkett has found his own bit of happiness, and hope for the future.  Sure, he has zero chance of ever being released, but that hasn’t stopped him from gaining a wife, and miraculously, a baby(!) since being incarcerated!!!

moral of the story: there may be no life after a death sentence, but apparently there can be life after a life sentence!!! to kill the killers or to let them live?  that is the question, but what is the right answer?  well, that’s just another question!

Into Into: there are two other IMDb Into The Abysseses – a 15 minute short from 1993 and a 2001 TV bio about a scuba diver.  class disabyssed

Verdictgo: potent, potent, potent stuff.  Can’t THIGHLY recommened it enuff - Breast In Show!!!!!

Into The Abyss rises up in limited release this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…