So It Was Written, So It Does Suck

• There’s nuttin I enjoy more than Passover in Rockport, MD. Ahhhhh, the downin’ of me mumsy’s Matzoh ball soup that’s more mushy than dat stuff that lines my testicle sach, the searchin’ for Gary Coleman’s cousin, Afikomen, and of COURSE, the watchin’ of the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME STARRING YUL BRYNNER, CHARLTON HESTON, VINCENT PRICE, EDWARD G ROBINSON, and ANNE BAXTER (‘Oh Moses‘): THE TEN FORKING COMMANDMENTS. But WD$^YG@#@$WTFork!@!~#!!N$?~%R>!~?WHAT? You mean to tell me that it aint on tat all this year?!?!@##!? It usually airs on Palm/Easter Sunday cause it’s close to it’s inter-faith cousin Passover (not this year, spank u very much lunar calendar), but the brainiacs/people over at ABC, who I guess want to keep their jobs, decided to give it the Gas Face this year in lieu of my old flavorite show, and now my MOSTEST HATESTEST SHOW EVER: Desperate Housewives. C’mon, I don’t care if only 10 people wanna watch dem Commandments, you HAVE to air it. It’s now almost more of a tradition than Passover itself. Luckily I had another epic out from Netflix that was equal in runtime and awesomenessness: Ben-Hur. I mean, a guy’s gotta see Charlton’s chest one way or the other, and Planet of the Apes wasn’t an option. Correction: They actually did air it, on a Saturday no less, but either way that was jus plain uneggceptable!

• Oh yeah, if yer in DC, you’s should mos def czech out the National Gallery of Art’s Toulouse-Lautrec eggzibition! I mean, anywho who banged hookers like it was everybody’s bidness is worth devoting 30 minutes to!

• Tits official: the most washed-up band of the moment is HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH!! Why, cause they be scheduled to play my hometown’s annual Memorial Day weekend festivez. Last year’s recipient of this award went to Gin Blossoms & Live! Next year, all my money is on The Strokes!

• Related: Loggins & Messina to tour for the 1st time in 30 years! Will their last stop be next Memorial Day ’06 in MD?

• Blur eager to get back to work! And I’m as eager as me eating beaver to hear the results!

• First Sam, now John peacing the fork out? Not a great week for Mills. Watch yer back Judge Lane!

• George Lucas has no creativity left: Willow TV series?

• Ei8ht?

• Kate Moss To Join Pete Doherty’s Babyshambles??

• Elton to tie the penis this X-Mas?

• Amy Sedaris’ Bust

• Jarvis’ pa musta been one huge Cockermuffin

• Peep trailer to Jodie’s latest, Flightplan

• ONE TIME ONLY: Andy Rooney w/out a tie on! [watch the video]

• Two things I love: Charlotte Church and cleavage [SFW]

• Jason Mulgrew, Internet Quasi-Celebrity/Fascist/fan of SomeBlogs, got some link love via the NY Daily News. What am I, microwaved gefilte fish?

• PA cousins cross Mason-Dixon line into MD so they can wed legally + other fun! [via My Man Mavrkus]

• Don’t bee leave every headline u peep. I aint retiring… yet.

• Phew, we finally found a date for Liz Phair’s ‘X-Ray Man‘.

• Exploding Toads Baffle Experts

• Nazi monkeys

• The Jewish Rahzel/Marley [via Brawny Man]

• Everybody please welcome the 49ers into my family of Cliff Engle sweaters!

• And in the world of HRT the II, we’ve been spending quite a bit time apart from each other these daze. I’m in the midst of figuring out what the 7 herbs and spices in Kentucky Fired Chicken are and she’s been going around pro-whoring her new flick (pics below), House of Wax Dat A$$ (Letterman appearance May 2nd). Well I guess she hasn’t been doing much other dan dat, like updating her long dormant Friendster profile. Howevski, she’s been em-bare-tushing me all around town, wearing a rock on her finger that I didn’t even give her. The only piece of jew-ry I bestowed upon herness is this. Hopefully all will be well when we reunite at the Tribeca Film Fest screening/creaming this cuming Satur-lay. [via Ultrahotness/Jus Jared/Yep Yuppie/Tr3nt Lotz]