Make It A BlockbusterLackluster Nite

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Where The Candy Is Dandy And No One Is Randy
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Before I begin, I muss admit that I’m a rather huge fan of the Gene Wilder original and I didn’t even bother trying to block that fact out of my mind as I watched the new one. Regardless of that, my eggspectations were still more high than Freddie’s last name for this summer blockbuster. Tim Burton & Johnny Depp meet a classic children’s novel? This sounded more perfect than cancellation of Perfect Strangers!! So how did it all play out? It was kinda like watching a no-hitter thru 4 or 5 innings, then the pitcher gave up a few runs, but in the end eked out a ‘W’ for his efforts. Don’t like my baseball analogy? Well yer juss a big ole an anal ogy, aints you??? Lemme try this a different way… All of the events leading up to the Chocolate Factory tour hit the sweet spot 40 times over. I sympathized so much more with this version’s (2.0) Charlie and fam, then I ever did with the first film’s (1.0) dorkusmalorkus & kin. During the first act of 2.0 I was love hactually holding back tears, while in 1.0 I wishing Charlie drowned in his mother’s laundry bucket while his grandparent’s bedpans were being dumped on his head (no pun intended). Good thing you retired you lil annoying JERKnads! I also have to give major props de leon to casting director Susie Figgis (Mike’s cousin) for mcnabbing a bunch of kids well up to the challenge of taking on the roles that were played to purrrfection in 1.0 (although I thought the parents in 2.0 were forgettable). Well mos certainly be keeping a thigh on you lil AnnaSophia Robb, and not because of Winn-Dixie, as you have easily replaced my crush the ole Violet Beauregarde. Don’t worry Emily (coincidentally another ‘Violet’), they all gots nuttin on you!! Enuff with the pseudo-pedophilia already!!! Bad Thigh Master!! Anywho, I was all about to proclaim this better than 1.0, but then the factory tour began. All the drama and momentum that had been built up casually quelled over the next two acts. It felt like the auto-pilot switch on the plot was turned on. And with the removal of the fizzy-lifting drinks bit, there wasn’t even any climax when the grand prize winner was chosen. A lot of peeps be hating on Depp’s performance, but I thought it didn’t take away from the movie, just didn’t add too much. Give the man credit for taking a different approach, whether you think it worked or not. To wrap things up, I’d have to say big ups to the set/production design (DUH, it’s a Tim Burton flick) and childhood flashback scenes of young Willie, as they were both superfranztastic, and big downs to the Oompa Loompa songs, which lacked the charm and kitschy catchiness of 1.0’s. As of now I’m saying this flick is Worth a Peep, but I DO want to see it again in theaters… always a sign of Muss C status.

Recommended for those who like: saying YES to Grandpa Joe, that random weird dude that appears in random weird movies, and squirrels trying to get a nut to move your butt at the C&CF Candy Factory.

Possible Porno Name: South Vietnamese Whores & The Green Bay Fudgepacker Fucktory… get it, South Viet = Charlie??@?#!?

Unsatisfied with this? Then you’ve boviously seen 1.0, so re-Netflix The Wizard of Bovs and throw on the Floyd!

Cinderella Man
Having A Ball With A Smashing Pumpkin
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AMC Theaters were begging for people to come see this flick with a money back guarantee. But how would could anyone be dissatisfied after watching this uplifting and inspiring reali-life tale of a man defying all odds to simply keep his family together? A better historical epic (and less crappy CGI-lookin) than Crowe’s Gladiator and an edvard munch better summer Oscar bait than last year’s over-sappy Snoozebiscuit, this lil forker defied my odds of it sucking too!! I admire Crowe and Giamatti, but am sick to death of both. Ron Howard? I still can’t bee leave Opie’s a decent director. Sourpuss McGee and that face? PLEASE GO AWAY FOREVER!! But despite all that hate, the flick floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee. And in a year of truly shitty movies, that’s saying something.

Recommended for those who like: Clint Howard lookin like Mills Lane, Central Park filled with po folks, and Russell Crowe free of a phone.

Possible Porno Name: Doesn’t WearUnderweara Man

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Radio Days, starring a very young Seth Green as the Woodman.

War of the Worlds
The Passions of The Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE
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Dats right folks, forget about Admiral Scientology and the stress tests, Tim Robbins in Mystic River mode, the storyless story, typical Spielbergo happy fam ending, and sadly only 6ish minutesishness of screentime for Miranda HOTTO, cause this is the Dakota Fanning meets special (Wreckx-N-)Effect eggstravaganzabonaza flick of the year!! After our lil Jean Claude Van Dame made a slight career misstep with Hide and Seek (which was all DeNiro’s fault), it’s Tony The Tiger ggggggggggggrrreat to see D Fanbelt back in something watchable. But did I mention who really steals the show? The effin sound. I know that sounds recocklous, but my thighs were vibrating throughout, and for once it wasn’t all my bizatches hitting me up on my cellie. Nuff said. This is a pure popcorn flick from the man who invented the summer blockbuster. Sink yer jaws in.

Recommended for those who like: New Jersey being destroyed, tripods more than iPods, and my adopted daughter.

Possible Porno Name: Whores of the World

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Plan 9 from Outer Space

Batman Begins
Holy Toledo, OH (where Katie hails from)!!
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Best Batman movie ever? Nope, that belongs to try #1. Best Batman ever? Nope, Adam West Best will forever wear that crown. So where does that leave us? How bout best Batman flick since the best Batman movie, with bestest cast thus far, and a nifty origin story to boot. Stand out bits: Liam Neeson’s fu-manchu, Patrick Bateman doing his finest Bruce Wayne impersonation, Scarecrow and his ‘Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots‘ mask, and the WB taking a chance on gifted director Chris Nolan, as they did with Alfonso Cuarón on Harry Potter 3… a trend I hope continues in the future of big-budget cinema. Stand down bits: Katie Holmes’ voice (since we’ve already seen enuff of her face), the wastednessnes of Gary Oldman’s genius, the mysterious recovery of Gothamites after their gassing, and #1 gripe of all gripes from Cpt Sour Grapes (me) – LAMEST SET DESIGN THIS SIDE OF A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT DARKNESS!!!! Aside: Golly gosh, why do I get such boners for set design? Return to review: Did this take place in Gotham or Ghettosburgh? They might as well filmed it in downtown Rockville, MD instead of Chicago. I mean, ya don’t have to go all NYC and shit, but at least give Tim Burton’s Batman look a look. The dude was on to something, besides probably being on something.

Recommended for those who like: beginnings, a black Q, and the hotness that is Cillian Murphy.

Possible Porno Name: Scatman Crothers Begins To Jazz’s All Over Yer Momma’s Face

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Condorman

Fantastic Four
Could You Please Define ‘Fantastic’, Please?
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I think the only reason I saw this, besides sneaking in fo free after Wonka, was so I could picture Trent sitting in the theater with his pants around his ankles spanking to his beloveded flaming man, Chris Evans. OK, the real reason was to peep, Her Former Royal Candidate for Thighness, Alba in a tight synthetic outfit before she became invisible… if only we could make yer voice invisible!! Within 5 minutes of the movie’s start, I had that always solid inkling that this was going to be one of the wurstest of the wurst, but since Joel Suckmacher didn’t direct it, it still had a shot to turn it around. And YES, despite the cornball dialog, BEYOND appalling cast, and BEYOND terabyte terry-bull cast, it was not only NOT awful, but kinda entertaining. I’m hoping the same is true when I try to see YESsica’s next skin-tight flick, Alba In A Bikini 2 Furious.

Recommended for those who like: Paulie Walnuts’ hair, Michael Chiklis playing the Thing instead of The Guv’nor, and nips and tucks.

Possible Porno Name: Alba On All Fours

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Boy Who Could Fly, which starred Jay Underwood, who actually played the Human Torch in Roger Corman’s shitversion of Fantastic Four

I still owe you all like 8723147234 MOOOvie reviews. All in due time kittens. I mean, you gotta give me a break now that I’m internless. Oh I forgot, it doesn’t make one bit of difference strokes. Until next time, the balcony is clothed.