Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

04. Sep, 2008 4 Comments

we already gave the NFC its due, so now it’s time to give the AFC (a conference with actual teams that don’t suck) the bidness. and w/o further Bob McAdoo…

AFC East

Muss suck to be the New England Patriots (11-5). They were a velcro helmet play away from being the first unbeaten team in the NFL since those annoying champagne popping ’72 Dolphins, but it’s wasn’t a total loss, since everyone in Nicaragua thinks they went 19-0 thanks to a boat load of free tees! The fluky Giants win was devastating, but with Thighgate and regular season perfection in the rear view mirror, they shouldn’t have any problem taking this rather weak division again. Of course this is predicated on Brady staying healthy, cause if he’s out, every opponent will be storming back-up Matt Cassel, but we thinks Brady will be fine so its a moat point. Farve will put some zing into Magenius Mangina’s New York Jets (7-9), so hopefully it will be enuff to keep Broadway Joe from molesting Suzy Kolber. The Miami Dolphins (6-10) will improve upon their one win total from last year thanks to new Execuitve VP Bill Parcells, and be slightly better than the Buffalo Bills (5-11), who now have to compete with the Argonauts for the hearts of all Torontonians. In a sign of unity, maybe they should get rid of all the fugly Buffalo Jills (what an hamazin’ name) and draft a few of the loveliest ‘nautsie’ Blue Thunder cheerleaders (we’ll take chubby cute-ster Cathy with the 5th pick overall), although they should be weary of their fans with extra long shirts

Boo-nus link: one of the dumbestest things we’ve seen this past year was SportsCenter’s Tony Sparano/Soprano bit. those guys should whack themselves, or at lest whack off to that Cowboy cheerleader

AFC North

Don’t know how this could possibly happen, but after going thru all the games we predict that the Cincinnati Bengals (7-9) will win the division with a losing record, holding the tiebreaker over the overly prime-timed Cleveland Browns (7-9). We hope it doesn’t happen, since we’re closet Browns fans (probably has something to do with the NWAish Pro Line hat we love, lost, and then found love again with), but we juss don’t trust Derek Anderson after the INT party he threw at the end of last season, and who’s gonna top a team that has a guy who legally changed his name to Ocho Cinco (or as coach Marvin Lewis calls him, ‘Ocho Psycho’). If only Rod Smart had the smarts to legally change his name to He Hate Me, maybe he’d still be playing in the league. The Pittsburgh Steelers (6-10) will be too busy wondering why they don’t have a logo on both sides of their helmets to win and the Baltimore Ravens (5-11) will still be the Baltimore Ravens, even if they are finally free of Kyle Boller’s awfulness

Boo-nus link: Brady Quinn is Facebook’s face of gay love, cause he loves to hand out hummers

AFC South

The AFC South is mos def the second toughest division in the league, behind the NFC Beast flubvs course, and they will send three teams to the playoffs this year. The first two are obvious choices, as the Indianapolis Colts (12-4) and Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5) are the creme de le creme and menthe and meth vs chef vs the Swedish Chef vs Chef Boyardee vs Rick Dees nuts vs Chewbacca ate our balls, whatever all that means. The not so obvious third team is the Houston Texans (10-6), who we also picked last year to succeed. Guess we’re suckers for teams with Jewish back-up QBs. Long live Sage Rosenthalbergsteinbergfels!!! That leaves the Tennessee Titans (6-10) as the low man on the scrotem pole. They’ll never be any good with Vince Young, no matter how franztastic Jeff Fisher’s mustache is or how many heads Albert Haynesworth stomps on

Boo-nus link: not to tootie our own horns, but the only things funnier than Peyton Manning on SNL is our photoshop Joseph Addai Another Day

AFC West

Wees still are in shock that Norv Turner and his Noriega skin didn’t turn the San Diego Chargers (12-4) powerhouse into an instant sh$tstorm in his first season on the job. Granite, he has LT, Gates and a lotta other weapons at his disposal, but this is olde Norvie wees talkin about, a man who couldn’t coach his way outta a wet Papier-mÃ¢chÃ© factory! Well, they came awfully close to making it to the Super Bowl and this year we see no reason why they shouldn’t be able to punch that ticket. An armed and diabetic Jay Cutler will resurrect the Denver Broncos (10-6), regardless of which no-name RB Mike Shanahan digs up at his tanning salon, but with so many other fab AFC teams, they won’t be able t
o sneak into the payoffs. The Kansas City Chiefs (7-9) have nothing to work with, but Herm Edwards, who claims he hasn’t watched one Super Bowl since he played in one, has the magic touch and we eggspect him to polish these terds into something. As for the Oakland Raiders (4-12), they have a commitment to the opposite of excellence and should consider moving back to LA

Boo-nus link: Brandon Marshall may not have slipped on a McDonalds bag, but that shouldn’t stop you from ogling this beautiful one from the 80s

Sesame Seeds:
#1 Indy
#2 San Diego
#3 New England
#4 Cincy
#5 Jacksonville
#6 Houston

AFC Champs: Del Chargers over the Jaguars in battle of kickers that will end in scandal with the indictment of the Nate Kaeding Five

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall all day long, Chris Chambers, Chris Johnson, Shayne Graham, Owen Daniels, Ricky Williams and his bong

Wees Hates: Ben Rothelsepenis, Jamal Lewis, any New England RB, the Cincy WRs, Tony Scheffler and Josh Scobee

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: James Hardy, Ray Rice, Javon Walker, the Bills D and Andy Bernard‘s rendition of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonite’

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include ANOTHER hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?