we don't really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won't stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you'll see each team's record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu...
NFC East
You'd think that whomever wears the NFC Beast's (aka the NFL's toughest division) crown would be tested enuff to have a clear path to the Super Bowl, but don't tell that to puppet coach Wade Phillips and the crazy talent loaded
Dallas Cowboys (13-3), who haven't won a playoff game since 1996. Last year's second in command, the
New York Giants (8-8), won more road games last year than
Cormac McCarthy facing off against
Jack Kerouac on a cross-country
Parker Bros tournament to make it to, and beyond sirprizingly win the Super Bowl. Well, the Giants are still a good team, even w/o
Gap Tooth McGee, but we expect Eli to return to Earth and his errant passes to stop landing on
the velcro attached to his receivers helmets, and juss miss the cut for the playoffs. Everyone's been hyping up
the Super Bowl winless Philadelphia Iggles (6-10), but you juss know that either McSnobb or Westbroke or both will incur some kinda injury and prevent
something kinda wonderful from happening. Maybe they should juss forget about chasing
Lea Thompson's skirt [NSFW] and juss
bang the drums of Mary Stuart Masterson. As for our beloved
Washington Redskins (10-6), we never expect much from them any mo, but they have a wild card in their brand spankin new coach
Jim Zorn(!!!!!!!). It could be a complete disaster or it could be the miracle that
Chief Zee and the rest of the Redskins faithful have been waiting for since 1992. And if the worst happens, we wouldn't mind seeing the way too slowly developing Jason Campbell get benched in favor of Billy Dee William's favorite malt quarterback Colt Brennan. Remember kiddies, the last two times the Giants won the Super Bowl, the Skins won the following year
Boo-nus link: we're looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from
BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled
Who The Hell Should I HireNFC North
Does anyone outside of the Great Lakes area care about this division? Didn't stinks so. They may have the bestest color combos in the league (well, besides the AFC North), but this isn't
Project Runway and none of them are as bangable as
Kenley Collins (bi the gay, we totally wantz to remake
The Notorious Bettie Page with her, and have to keep shooting multiple takes of
all the nekkid scenes [NSFW]). Farve is gone, so this division is up for grabs. Any takers? The
Green Bay Packers (7-9) won't fall apart, but they won't be as good without
the Wrangler Jeans man, and soon they'll be sorry that they didn't let him throw the rest of his career's interceptions at
Lambeau (bi the gay part 38238128, dearly departed
Sean Taylor intercepted the pass that put Farve alone atop of the all-time list). You don't hear Jon Kitna making any bold predictions this year about the
Detroit Lions (5-11), so it will come down to the
Minnesota Vikings (9-7) and
Kyle Orton's neckbeard, aka the
Chicago Bears (9-7). They both have sh&tty QBs, but the rest of their squadrons will make up for their shortcomings. The Vikes will edge out the Monsters of Midgay with a slightly better divisional record, and ruin it all by having
a sex boat party, with Coach Childress offering mustache rides all nightBoo-nus link: last year for Halloween
Kitna dressed up as Lions' naked Wendy's midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it's gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as
former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra CommanderNFC South
For some reason, our mouths water like
Ricky ever thyme we think of the NFC South. Probably has something to do with the fact that
Popeyes comes from
New Orleans (11-5) and
Bojangles from Charlotte, where the
Carolina Panthers (9-7) call home (take that people from South Carolina who root for em!). The
Atlanta Falcons (6-10) are surrounded by fine soul food as well, but the teams with the fried chicken and biscuit sangwiches will rule our hearts, and this division. Plus they are still reeling from the Michael Vick dog days of summer and the straight up awful quitting of former coach Bobby Petrino. The
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10) got Warrick Dunn back and we'll take that as a sign of them going backwards... right to the cellar of the NFC South. There's no way Drew Brees will start the season again with 4 straight losses, 1 TD and NINE INTs! They'll make up for it big time with Deuce back in the hole and Visigoth
Jeremy Shockey doing those silly antics that he anticizes so well. Man, are we hungry, but not as hungry as
Charles Mann eating a Swanson's Hungry Man dinner!
Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on
Bobby Hebert's Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course
NFC West
In the shockers of all shockers, not involving
Jeremy Shockey (and Tara Reid),
Hank Shocklee,
the shocker or the cast of the refarted Wes Craven movie
Shocker, the
Arizona Cardinals (10-6), on
the grocery baggin back of Kurt Warner, will knock the
Seattle Seahawks (9-7) off the NFC West throne that they've occupied for 4 straight years. The Seahawks are hurtin at WR and have to lean heavily on the RBBC o' Julius Jones and Maurice Morris. Having one RB with the same letter to begin both his first and last name is one thing, but when you have two, the world may juss explode. Don't blame me if this happens, cause Nostradamus' quatrains containing quadrangles said their right quads will rupture and that George W Bush will win a 3rd term and that
John Kerry will never look cool throwing or catching a football. And we all know he called that last one right on da money so be careful peoples!!!! Both the
San Francisco 49ers (7-9) and the
St Louis Rams (6-10) won't be as shitastic as they were before, but they'll have to deal with
more growing pains than Carol SeaverBoo-nus link: apparently our main
SeaGal Tessa was
the last one picked to make this year's squad. don't fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)
Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 CarolinaNFC Champs:
Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair
Fantasy Outlook NFC ShazzWees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and
his wifeWees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs
Don't Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy's: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and
The Big Sleepwait, you thoughts we weren't going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?
yous thoughts wrongs!
stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!
peeweeviously:
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC EdishSec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC EdishFirst Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC EdishFirst Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish
