Hayabusa Fighters

The Wrestler
A Camel Clutch Performance
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Every year since our Thighs have been Wide Shut we’ve been blown away by a single acting performance so blownerrific that we juss knew, without a dadow of a shout, that it would earn the performer an Oscar statuette months later. In the ’04 it was Jamie as Ray, in the ’05 it was Hoffman as Capote, in the ’06 it was Whitaker as Amin and last year, Cotillard as Rice Piaf. And your winner this year that you can bet the farm and the pharmacy on is Mickey Rourke as the washed-up wrastler Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson (a fictional person, but seems more real than B Real buying some junk from the Junkyard Dog). This movie’s gots Marisa Tomei as a stripper with a big heart, and nipple rings (that you get to see!) and Evan Rachel Wood looking like a younger Marilyn Manson and Todd Barry watching porn and Judah Friedlander w/o an ironic hat, yet all of them yummy appetizers are juss that to the main course of heartburn and heartache that is Rourke’s Ram (he even drives a RAM truck!). The whole she-bang is pressing-de, which aint no sirprize coming from virtuoso director Darren Aronofsky (and from the pen of a guy who writes for The Onion, wtf?), but it also happens to be one of the funniest of the year, sharing that title with another bestest pic of the year, Gran Torino. If you aints cracking yer teets off during the deli counter scene, then you our friends, don’t deserve to eat deli meats ever!! That goes negative double to you vegetarians who aren’t our friends cause animals aren’t our friends, they is our lunches and dinners!!

Now Yer Playing With Power: The Ram was the star of an 8-bit NES video game, which he plays with a neighborhood kid in the film, but the game doesn’t look 1/2 as yumcredible as NES’ Pro Wrestling is. Long live King Corn Karn!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Spirit
Smells Like Latrine Spirit
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember how redonkeypunchoholic (that’s a good thing) Sin City was? Well, subtract all the incredible actors, spanktastic honeys, co-director Robert Rodriguez, and everything else (like 19 zillion more things) that made it the knees bees of 2005 and what yer left with is the biggest waste of optical splendor since Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow, which is the Dick Tracy for this decade (read: crap on a shtick). This giant waste that we puke of is the The Spirit, Frank Miller‘s first solo directorial project based off of the belovededed Will Eisner comic, and it doesn’t border on disaster, but on absolute boredom. Not even Samuel L Jackson’s over-overacting or Scarlett Johansson’s lack of acting talent or Eva Mendes’ photocopied ass or Kevin Arnold’s angry dad or 293938487 Edgar Stileseses can muster up anything close to what we peoples call entertainment. The only thing worth noting is Sarah Paulson‘s fine performance as The Spirit’s lady in waiting. She’s the only one in the film who can keep a straight face, and when she cries a tear for The Spirit, we cry a tear for Paulson who deserves much better (esp after the shitbacle that was the unfunny show about a unfunny sketch show that was suppose to be funny). If you can brave it through this snooze/boo fest then you should be allowed to play The Spirit in the sequel… a sequel that will never happen cause no one will care what becomes of The Spirit after seeing this burnt popcorn movie

Some Ifs, Ands, and Butts: we take it back, Eva Mendes’ photocopied ass is entertaining

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Last Chance Harvey
Actually Love?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Dustin Hoffman is so good at playin a goofy schlub. Emma Thompson is so good at playing a hot classy older woman. When the two come together it’s pretty darn oh so good, first with Stranger Than Fiction and now with Last Chance Harvey. Dustin plays Harvey Shine, a goofy schlub whose life starts to get even schlubblier while in London (he loses his job, and then learns that his daughter would rather have her James Brolin stepfather walk her down the aisle), but then he has a (last) chance meeting with a hot classy older lady named Kat
e. They’re both lonely and in need of some serious smiles. Harv charms her enuff to let him walk her around London town for hours on (Howard’s) end. Kate then convinces Harv to return to his daughter’s wedding reception, and he obliges, if only she joins him. What happens next with Harvey and his daughter, with new pal Kate cheering him on, is some deeply (chicken) tender stuffs. Too bad this magic moment occurs midway thru the movie, instead of at the end where it woulda been more effective. Lessthenone, the restist is good enuff stuffs that will keep you hoping that Harvey will get the chance to break into Kate’s community chest

Can’t Wait For The Sequel: Rolling Harvey Down The Hill

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Waltz With Bashir
Ballroom Blitzkrieg
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Strip away all of the hamazin’ cartooing goings on in the animated-documentary Waltz With Bashir and all yer left with is some fuzzy recollections that some Israeli soldiers had about Sabra and Shatila massacre during the 1982 Lebanon War. It’s no wonder that the writer/director Ari Folman went the colorful route for his autobiographical tale, cause otherwise this thing woulda been as dry as some dry armpits in needs of Arrid Extra Dry. The loose storytelling tries to make an impact on the viewer, and barely does, but it’s the cartoon that does all the impacting, and then some. It’s a true feast for the eyes, and with this scene, for the thighs. Last year’s brilliant Persepolis was able to backup its visual beauty with a compelling narrative. Bashir aint this year’s Persepolis, but then again, what is? Dunno, Kannapolis, NC?

Out of Treatment: Folman directed 3 episodes of the Israeli/original version of In Treatment, called BeTipul

Verdictgo: for your peepers it’s Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Day The Earth Stood Still
Keanu & Jennifer’s Bogus Journey
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

98.8676% of movies that are remade should have never been remade. The Day The Earth Stood Still is one of thems (who woulda guessed?!?!?!?!?!). What more needs to be said? These simple facts: the bestest part of the entire movie is something we’ve dreamed of for a long time – the destruction of Giants Stadium. Jaden Smith should not be allowed to act, unless accompanied by his father. John Cleese should be banned from serious roles (esp since his family’s surname is really ‘Cheese’). Kathy Bates would make an awful Secretary of Defense. Jon Hamm, Kyle Chandler and Robert Knepper should fire their agents for finding them such dreck to film during their TV show’s hiatuses. And finally, how come no one has found another good reason for Jennifer Connelly, a dildo and another woman’s a$$ to be in the same room at the same time again?

Don’t Express Yoself: Vulture’s Complete Field Guide to the Facial Expressions of Keanu Reeves

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

On XMas, Bashir and Harvey will join The Wreslter, already playing in limited release, while The Spirit joins The Earth in crushing your holiday spirit at a theater near jews

have a wonderful holly daze peoples!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…