Why, Robot?

Transformers:
Revenge of the Fallen
Fallen From Grace (Whomever She Is)
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Transformers I was a joyful thrill ride that we never wanted to end. Sure, Michael Bay‘s expen$ive toy chest was dopey, the robot action sequences were cluttered and clunky, and the humans were inhumane, and yet we looked past all the poop, embraced it heavily for what it was, and couldn’t wait to sink our teeth into round 2. And after taking in the bigger, longer, way too longer, way way way way way too longer round 2, our thirst has completely evaporated. We’ve now had our fill of the Autobots and the Decepticons, so no more, please. Really? Yeah, really. Maybe someone should greenlight a GoBots flick and take this roboticism in a whole different direction (we still need to see Asylum’s mastercheeses). Roger Ebert’s review purty much nails a lotta our thoughts to a cross, but the new movie is a lil bit more fun than he makes it out to not be. Guess he couldn’t throw an extra star in juss for the quality Megan Fox ogling. We certainly did

At first, we rolled with the punches, and the punches were punchy, kinda like the Hawaiian Punch guy Punchy. Our old friend Sam (Shia LeBeef, whom we’ve grown to love, even as Mutt) is headed off to college, saying adieu to Ms Fox, the HJ queen and his radio DJ pal Bumblebee. His parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White, aka the fun bunch) have mixed emotions, and by the time they leave him be to party down on campus, our emotions begin to get mixed as well. Ya see, the mos enjoyable parts of this Transformer installment revolve around the humans and not the Transformers, and when yer movie’s about Transformers and they fail to deliver, let alone titillate (the two new jive talking bots are almos mo racist and a bigger disgrace than the Asian dudes from the new Star Warses), there’s something wrong with yer movie. Mad credit to the humans though (minus the military, who needs to be placed in their own movie version of Guantanamo Bay), cause without them (hey, where’d Anthony Anderson‘s character go?) this would be juss a bucket of bolts. They should spin-off the Witwicky clan into their own franchise, and make them take vacations like the Griswolds, where miss and mr adventures ensues! (Also, let it be know that we love saying the name ‘Witwicky’ allowed, but we no love saying the name ‘Mikaela’… apologies to all the Mikaelas out there)

OK, so a plot should be the least of anyone’s concern, but in all honesty, we haven’t a clue as to what the frak went on (more like went on AND on AND on). There’s like a bad robot in space and in order to resurrect some other ancient evil robot that’s been on Earth longer than Joan Rivers they need like a key or something, and Optimus Prime is like part of the key equation, but he gets hurt and is basically down for the count for about a 1/3rd of the time, and so he needs to be resurrected too. Then the action suddenly shifts to the Middle East (including a stop at Petra, where Mutt Williams’ dad and granpappy chose Diet Coke wisely), and juss when we thinks the movie’s coming to some kinda resolution, it turns into an endless hour long scene at the Pyramids of Giza with our human pals, as Mr Ebert perfectly sums up the repetitiveness, ‘running in slo-mo away from explosions‘. Explosions are nice, but the forking robots causing them is once again a mish-mash of confusing metal clashing that’s not easy on the eyes, even if you were blind. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? You can’t tell em apart, and by that point in time, who cares, cause guess who’s gonna win in the end? Hactually nobody, cept the wallets of those involved in making #2 a polished… #2

More Than Meets The Eye For Talent: if there’s one things Michael Bay’s a genius at it’s puttin on the ritz/teets when it comes to the lizadies in his movies. welcome Aussie Isabel Lucas as the latest to join the Fappin Bay ranks

Family Shy: Bay wanted Leonard Nimoy to provide his voice (again) as a Transformer, but chickened out and decided not to ask him. Nimoy is married to Bay’s cousin Susan, and no, she’s not as foxy as Megan, or even Michael J for that splatter

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Transmorphers 2 opens today at a theater near jews, muslims, goys, and even the amish

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…