Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, January 6

Bedknobs and Breadsticks










They Are ALWAYS The Man Dawg!! [via The Thinker]

and if you visit four houses in yer life, make sure they be Graceland, The Hearst Castle (me hath yet to go), The Winchester MYSTERY House, and Falling Water. Do wright, not Frank Lloyd WRONG!!!


[photo by Flea]


# Bedknobs and Breadsticks

Thursday, January 5

40-Love... d IT!!!

Match Point
More On Point Than House of Pain's 'On Point'
all apologies for using the 'on point' ref 4 the funteempth time
View Trailer

Bee leave the effin hype peoples cause like Señor wit his München Box, Woody Allen has returned to form with his Match Point, YO!!! And by form, I don't means a W-9, or even his endless string of 70s hotness (starting with the madcap zane e smithedness of Bananas and ending with one of the mos beautifulisticallycal B&W flicks mt EVERest in the age of color, Manhattan). What I mean by 'return to form' is actually delivering what the peoples eggspect from one of the mos celebrated and celehated men in del industry: a real Woody Allen movie. 1999 was the last time anyone of us saw a real Woody Allen movie. It was called Sweet & Lowdown, and it was so fargin mint that Sean Penn and then unknown Samantha Morton were rightly honored with Oscar noms. After that we were served up with 5 straights duds, some more thuds than cruds, and some were more mud than Spuds Mackenzie hanging out with Roger Mudd!

Well, Match Point is not only a real Woody Allen movie, but also the mos un-Woody Allen movies I have ever movied!! It's kinda like his Eyes Wide Shut, cept where Kubrick made London look like NYC, the Woodman made London his NYC. This drastic location change serves him and us the viewers quite well. I think we all needed a break from that continuing don on-slaught of NY nothingness that he continued to poop on-screen. And nothing could be as far from the nebbish Jewish neurosis of the Upper East Side than the prim and proper crumpets of the British upper class!!! To divulge any of the plot would be a waste of my time and a deep cut into yer entertainment value, so I'll abstain, and in hempstead, I'll do what I do breast... BABBLE-ON in numbered list form!!!

1) Scarlett Johansson & Jonathan Rhys-Meyers both look like cartoon cats or tigers or lions or something, OH MY!! I'd still bang them both, but their lips are kinda scary like Lisa Rinna's

2) Rhys-Meyers did an admirable and lieutenantable job as the lead, but I kept waiting for him to glam/gay it up like he did in his Velvet Goldmine days. I think Woodpecker shoulda spared Jonny Lee Miller from the tripe that was Melinda Squared and cast him instead of Rhys

3) Scarlett Johansson being rubbed in baby oil should be the 11th Commandment

4) I knows this sounds more ludicrous than Ludicris sucking on Luden's whilst looting Lute Olsen's lute collection, but I'd NEVER ever NEVER step out on the abso-WHOOT-est cutest adorable-tootist British girl AROUND (yes, ever more than our current Royal Thighness... and Joanne Klaar, if she were British) Emily Mortimer, snatchurally one of the OG NonUsHotties!! Not even for Scarlett Johansson, 18347663 cases of baby oil, and 2 weeks to use em both!! Foodly enuff, both Morts and Jo may end up with 2 movies EACH on my '05 Top Ten LIST... coming soon

5) Danny Boyle alumni rules more than O'Doyle!!!

BLESS YOU WOODROW!!!! Don't ever come back to NYC. Stay the course in the Old Country. Hopefully yer #2 UK joint Scoop will also not be POOP!!! And the same with yer 1st Spanish Rice dish!! And whatever lies ahead in yer bright, not DIM, future, like a Danish DANISH or Icelandic ICECUBE, or Czech Republic PUBIC HAIR, or Portugalese WHATEVER THEY HAVE IN PORTUGAL!!!

Recommended for those who like: shotguns and shotgun weddings, phallic symbols but not Lloyd's of London, and Fred of Perry but not of Berry

Possible Porno Name: Snatch Point of Spew

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Damage, aka the Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche slutty bang fest of 1992!

Further Fun: Other Woodman flicks with locations outside of the US... Puerto Rico (Bananas), Budapest & Paris (Love & Death), Turin, Italy (Hannah and Her Sisters), Sicily (Mighty Aphrodite), Venice (Everyone Says I Love You), and Romania (Celebrity) [via IMDB]


# 40-Love... d IT!!!

Lindsay Lohan
"Nude" Vanity Fair Pictures

Why bother urling Tastical when we have the REAL Lohag "Nude" Vanity Fair SNAPS right here!!!






Lohag, please leave planet earth before the end of the week or I'll get my cossacks with the huge ballsacks and get em to exile you on main street in Thighberia!!!


# Lindsay Lohan
"Nude" Vanity Fair Pictures

Wednesday, January 4

Out: Mike Ditka
In: Steve Ditko

Sadly, there won't be many sirprizes during this year's pay-offs... considering the the Bengals are still the Bungles, Da Bears [YTMND] have no O or Shuffle [video] or DITKA [YTMND] or his Grabowski [Grabowski], and cause the real Super Bowl is also known as the AFC Championship: Pats vs Colts!!!


but when I smoke a lot of crack from my Native American peacepipe, and get smacked in the mug by Clinton Portis' mum the pay-offs start to look a lil bit mo like this


Since everyone knows the Skins ares gonna winning 3 road games and then the big one in the D vs les Colts, lets look ahead to next year's sorta schedule... Skins 9-7 17-0 (we're totally gonna kick bye week's a$$!!!!)

pee es - GAWD BLESS DANIEL SNYDER'S DEEP JEWISH POCKETS!!!

+ honored to be one of Skeeter's 'top frings to look forward to in '06'!

+ we is amored in France! And I amor France too, hispecially their crossian'wiches and Ludivine Sagnier's forever nekkid body [NSForAmericaCauseWeBLOWunlikeFRANCE]

+ DreamWorks' Dreamgirls sure to be the wurstest 'dream'-related thingie since Brian Benben in Dream On

+ Funny Farm is ripe for remaking! Juss don't tell Mr. Lamb Fries!

+ How much of all Internet traffic is pornography?

+ Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2005 [NSFWness via Sex Boat Boys]

+ Go WAYBACK in the world of THIGHS

+ Peabs kissing his arm whilst wearing a WrestleMania II shirt!! [via WhereforartthouEVS?]

+ The girl/thighness who's more adorablerer than early 90s Winona Ryder and everyone's minor JW crush from around the same time period, Joanne Klaar


+ wit all this foo-ball blather, I figure I toss a lil sum tang for all the bizatches and cocksmokers out there...



# Out: Mike Ditka
In: Steve Ditko

Tuesday, January 3

Out: Hans Blix
In: Obélix

French President Jacques Chirac denies a report that he wanted to be casting director of da Da Vinci Code. Good thing he's waSNOT, cause although I have no issue with his choice of Sophie Marceau [NSFW] as the French bird who may or may not be the direct descendant of the woman banged the man that was part of the immaculate conception and/or the man who had the immaculate reception, there was no effin no way any of us would ever never ever buy our winged ami Astérix as Harvard professor of Religious Symbology Robert Langdon. Stoopid Frenchies and their mustard. They think cause the made some decent movies in the 50s and 60s that they can tell us how to cast OUR crappy box office fiascos!!! Stick to yer Gerard DipinPOO and stuff and frog legs and that joke in Trading Places where that guys punches the line: "Look at that 'S' Car Go!"


• In what is sure to be a first AND last: a Lohag film to open a festival

• Meg, no matter what you do, Jack won't take you back [via Ms Mod]

• Why would Señor ever touch Mary Poppins? There aint no aliens or Jews involved!

• The Sopranos Season 6 teaser trailer is about as eggciting as watching Tony Soprano watch TV (aka Season 5)

• Who said the gov-mint wasn't cool? They juss added Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Toy Story, Hoop Dreams, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Cool Hand Luke, The French Connection, and 19 others to the Library of Congress' National Film Registry!! Howevski, please don't confuse 1929's H20 with 1998's HBoooO... btw, much belated peace the fudge out to Moustapha Akkad and his daughter, victims or jerkassedness

• A review of the G.I. Joe movie script... sadly, a Shipwreck appearance may have to wait for the sequel: G.I. JOE 2: Brokeback Ocean's 69

• I guess humping my leg isn't as memorable as meeting Josh Madden

• Stereogum, king of the 'Yupsters'?

• Every film going fwd should contain the same plot keywords as La Niña Santa

• Soon to be Super Bowl MVP, Clinton Portis and his many costumes [via Ivan the 20850er]

• Gotta 7'7 friend with a b-day coming up? Bid on Manute Bol's warmup pants and jersey [via Guns N Rosenthal]

• Pinder is 'Easy' and loves soccer + a good slap on der a$$ + actually looks decent when her boobs are covered up!

• It's CRIMINAL that someone swiped ThighsWideShut in MySpace land [via T Bakes]

• Bestest Cliff Engle sweater that I'm too fat to bid on!!!!

• Can a live person be packed in a shipping crate and mailed?

• Jared Fogel wants to talk dirty to you [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

• Nate, where's the male camel toe? [via Ceffle]

• The 30 Best Names in College Basketball [via Gorilla Man]

• You don't have to be a Spanish lingusistical persona to understand what's goin on here [via Lunar Baby]

• The 100 Most Annoying Things of 2005

• Amazing Alizee [via Seppo]

• And for you unlucky rubber soles sistahs who didn't receive a HOLIDAUKKAH Greeting Card from 1st Family of Thighs, I wanna show ya what you missed...


Pee es - Shofar, 2006 is the greatest year MT EVEREST!!!! EVERYONE PLEASE HELP TO ENSURE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS LIKE DEATH OR MORE STEVEN SODERBERGHHSH MOVIES OR RETURN OF CLOONEY'S NECKBEARD OR OTHER STOOPID THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE STUFF OR THINGS!!! THINGS!!!

Pee es II - Me and a small shady crew are headed to Bloomington, IN this weekend. If you find me like Waldo (or Wally if yer a personage of Britishness) I'll buy you a cookie or THINGS!!!


# Out: Hans Blix
In: Obélix

Monday, January 2

Like Lorraine,
The Skins
Are My Density!

Cause for Messiah Joe Gibbs and Co tits either



or


and dick LESTer we forget...

Peace The
FORD THEATER
Out
2
THE HOBO
from
Pee Wee's Big Adventure

aka
Joseph 'Blue' Palasky
to you idjiots who probably think
the overly refarted Old School
is the 2nd cumming
of Alan Cumming
or Animal House


# Like Lorraine,
The Skins
Are My Density!

Sunday, January 1

In Oder Aus

Inspired by the WaPo and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be in the mix in '06, besides Raymi



OUTIN
Peter JacksonJack Peterson
Squeezable MayoSqueezable Relish
Dime BagsPenny Loafers
PooPoop
Eli ManningTaryn Manning
Beta TestingBetamax
Mock TurtlenecksOokla the Mok
Big Bang TheoryGang Bang Theory
SXSWNXNW
Mark CubanCubano Sandwiches
The Truffle ShuffleThe Ickey Shuffle
Steven SoderberghSod
S&LSNL
BlogsThe Troggs
Rachael RayPaula Deen
NeighborhoodiesFooties
PinkBlack
Cliff EngleCliff Notes
Gay CowboysGay Redskins
Da Da Vinci Code646 Area Code
TMsBMs
VaginaChina
Books On TapeTape On Books
Prof McGonagallProf Plum
Rumors On The InternetsRumors On The Brailles
Tomkat/Bennifer/BrangelinaBosom
Dakota FanningAriel Gade
GhanariaHare Rama, Diorama
JulyApril
Arnold PalmersShirley Temples
HandryingReceiving Bacon
Barnes & NobleBorrowing From The Library
Cheryl HinesCiarán Hinds
LOLEl Al
JesusArslan
Grey's AnatomyGray's Papaya
Andy RooneyEd Rooney
Hating JewsHating Jews
PixarFlip Books
Sio BibbleWearing Bibs
Nip SlipsSlit Nips
The OCThe REAL OC
Tapas BarsTopless Bars
Sofia LidskogKelly Miyahara
Saving AfricaSinging 'Africa'
Ben SteinPalestine
The Walrus Was PaulThe Walrus Was Mike Holmgren
BrunchFlunch
RegiftingRee-Yees
Rusty TrombonesRusty Kuntz
David KeithKeith David
RecockulousRetaintulous
Flizzm JizzumRussian Dressing
Oompa LoompasKoopa Troopas
The Neverending Baseball SeasonThe Neverending Story II
Sufjan Stevens'Suffragette City'
Microwaved TunafishMicrowaved Gefilte Fish
Alba's AssAlba's Abs


# In Oder Aus