Thighs Wide Shut

the bowel moment you haven’t been weighting fore:

Thighs Wides Shuts’
Tops Nines Albums
Wees Heards
This Years*

Flight of the Conchords – Flight of the Conchords | Les Chansons d’Amour Soundtrack± | Beck – Modern Guilt | Gnarls Barkley – The Odd Couple | MGMT – Oracular Spectacular | R.E.M. – Accelerate | The Streets – Everything Is Borrowed | The Raconteurs – Consolers Of The Lonely | Neil Diamond – Home Before Dark

* that’s 9 out of the total 13 albums we listened to this past year. yeah, we’re pretty far removed from the musiq seen these days. too many movies. too many boobies. and who has time to waste listening to hot new bands that will release one amazing album and follow it up with zero good albums (MGMT is the exception cause they rule wethinks/wehopes)? the 14 year old version of the Thigh Master would be so upset with today’s 89 year old Thigh Master. we used to know the names of songs. we also used to drink 3 Cokes and eat a whole giant bag of chips 3 hours before dinner and then eat a full dinner. the moral of the story? life is hammazin, regardless of age, it’s juss different, different like strokes can be, and when you’re young, eat chips and drink Coke as much as you can cause you never know when you’ll have time to overindulge like that again, let alone have time to discover new music when there are so many other distractions in this day and age like Mickey Rourke’s broken face, baby Suri’s haircut, Jillian Beyor’s rack, string cheese, and the NFL playoffs, even if your team’s already been eliminated cause the NFL can’t lose even more than Parker Lewis can’t

± it was released in France in 2007, but we weren’t in France in 2007, so don’t give us any grief or be an au bon pain in the arse

Tunses For Toonces

Another Way To Die – Jack White & Alicia Keys [d]
Black President – Nas [d]
Child In Time – Deep Purple [d]
(we 4got to include it on our bestest of 1970)
Delta Charlie Delta – Louis Garrel [d]
Disco Lies – Moby [d]
Don’t Go There – Neil Diamond [d]
Everyday It’s 1989 – Moby [d]
Белый Плащик – t.A.T.u. [d]
Going On – Gnarls Barkley [d]
Heaven For The Weather – The Streets [d]
Inner City Pressure – Flight of The Conchords [d]
Jizz In My Pants – The Lonely Island [d]
(which is like a low rent ‘Inner City Pressue’)
Legal Assassin – Anthony Stewart Head [d]
Lost! – Coldplay [d]
Low – Flo Rida ft T-Pain [d]
Mercy – Duffy [d]
Ooh Yeah – Moby [d]
Opening Theme Music – John Adams miniseries [d]
Rock El Casbah – Rachid Taha [d]
Smell Yo Dick – Riskay [d]
SOS – Pierce Brosnan [d]
Supernatural Superserious – R.E.M. [d]
The Return Of… – Supergrass [d]
The Switch and the Spur – The Raconteurs [d]
Time To Pretend – MGMT [d]
Walls – Beck [d]
Yes Man – Munchausen By Proxy [d]
You Me and the Bourgeoise – The Submarines [d]

and since we obviously don’t know shiz from shinola about today’s music we’ve decided to post our man Ashman (who’s a better looking young Josh Baskin)’s list o’ single hotness

I Woke Up Today – Port O’Brien
You – Atmosphere
Do The Panic – Phantom Planet
Hang On – Dr. Dog
Dying Is Fine – Ra Ra Riot
Use Somebody – Kings of Leon
Furr – Blitzen Trapper
Great Expectations – The Gaslight Anthem
Now I’m A Fool – Eagles Of Death Metal
Skinny Love – Bon Iver
Little Bit of Feel Good – Jamie Lidell
Gettin’ Up – Q-Tip
Brand New Start – Little Joy
I Need A Life – Born Ruffians
Two Ways Out – Darker My Love
Mr. Carter – Lil Wayne
Warwick Avenue – Duffy
I Was Made For You – She & Him
Sure Hope You Mean It – Raphael Saadiq
Soul On Fire – Spiritualized

Concerts That Were
Tastier Than A
Certs Mint

Beck @ Unite Palace Theater
Flight of the Conchords @ Town Hall
Gnarls Barkley @ Irving Plaza
Jarvis Cocker @ Terminal 5
Neil Diamond @ MSG
Paul Simon & Friends Under African Skies @ BAM
Rock The Bells @ Jones Beach
Stevie Wonder @ Jones Beach
The Raconteurs @ Terminal 5

those who forget the rast are doomed to pepeat it

’07
’06
’05
’04
’03

long live Peaches!

Yes Man
A Series of Fortunate Events
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The peoples hath spoken and apparently the peoples don’t like their Jim Carrey serious (The Majestic, Man on the Moon, Eternal Sunshine… that movie was mad loved but he got no love) or scary (The Number 23, Lemony Snicket… possibly his single greatest performance/role). Well the peoples are flat(chested) out wrong (cept for probably in regards to The #23, although we dont thinks anyone would admit to seeing it) cause Carrey is a wonderfully unique talent that always gives his audience 111% entertainment, regardless of the genre he’s acting up in, or if the movie’s actually any good. Obviously he’s at his best when dishing out the yuks, so since we all can agree on that then you’ll be as pleased as punch to know that his latest, Yes Man, puts him right back where we want em, the laugh factory. The trailer makes it out to be Liar Liar 2 (and in general a laaaaaame broad comedy), but this Peyton Reed (Bring It On, Down With Love, and the writer of The Back To The Future ride???) directed film based off of British journalist/funnyman Danny Wallace‘s book of the same name (here’s an article about him and the movie) quickly surpasses it’s gimmickry and finds symmetry as a perfect Jim Carrey comedy, with a dash of rom sweetly added to the com. It’s all simple stuffs, but it’s simply funny stuffs, so what more could you ask for? Well you can forget about Carrey’s two generic onscreen BFFs (Bradley Cooper and Danny Masterson) and instead focus on the terrific trio supporting him: his lovely love interest (Zooey Deschanel, back in our good graces after her poo faces in The Happening), his grampy guru (Terence Stamp, who everyone should kneel before) and his bubbly boss who throws the bestest themed bashes (the thighlarious Rhys Darby, for those who haven’t already been thighlaried by him as Murray the always present manager on FOTC). With all these overly heavy award season movies clogging multiplexes and farthouse cinemas out there, it’s a pleasure to have a distraction like Yes Man to say yes to. Wees hoping Carrey will one day say yes to a movie where he’s not allowed to talk. Can you imagine what he could do with a role like that? Yes we can

On Solid Sound: the Yes Man soundtrack rocks the cashbar, featuring 9 songs by the Eels (and their 2 bestest tunes ever, ‘Flyswatter’ [d] and ‘The Sound Of Fear’) and 4 by the Zooey’s band within the movie, Munchausen By Proxy. Click hear to here 2 of them Munchy tracks

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Nothing But The Truth
A Source Subject
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Valerie Plame affair practically begs itself to be turned into a movie (so does the David Beckham-Rebecca Loos [NSFW] affair, on whatever the British equivalent of Cinemax is). And while we wait for the Doug Liman-Nicole Kidman treatment to hit the big screen, take a dip with Nothing But the Truth, a factually fictional fully functional film that delves deep down into the depths of journalism and their deep throats (what timing, with Mark Felt‘s death). The Contender director Rod Lurie goes all All The President’s Men and delivers an All The President’s Men Against A Woman. That woman is Rachel Armstrong (Kate Beckinsale, like we’ve never seen her before… mostly w/o make-up, trying to ‘ugly’ it up for your Academy consideration), a DC newspaper reporter who outs a CIA operative (Vera Farmiga, secretly and not so secretly becoming one of our bestest young although not so young actresses around), whose husband publicly questioned the ultimately false information that lead the almost assassinated US President to wage war on Venezuela (what is this, a stripped from the
headlines Law & Order episode?), and all HELL’Enfant plaza breaks loose. The govmint want to know who blabbed these govmint secrets and so they put special prosecutor Matt Dillon in charge to bust balls (c’mon, this is the same guy who hired Bill Murray as his lawyer in a case vs the two girls he took a NSFW champagne bath with!!!). Becks won’t reveal her source and a judge and Matt Dillon put her in jail until she talks the talks. They think she’ll eventually relent, but she has no intention of relenting and stays in jail not relenting. While she suffers, but stays tuffs on the inside, Alan Alda as her lawyer (what, no Bill Murray?), Angela Bassett as her editor and Noah Wyle as like the newspaper’s lawyer or stuff try to get her out, and David Schwimmer as her husband and that kid from Dexter as her kid, but not from Dexter try to live life w/o moms and her high ideals. The rest doesn’t exactly play out like reality, and that’s actually a good thing, cause having someone nicknamed after a Muppet gettin a commuted sentence isn’t a very cinematic conclusion. It gets a lil twisty at the very end, but it’s one of them nice lil ones, not one of those M Night Shamaladingdong ones that make you want to throw women down a flight of stairs (we do not condone the throwing of women down a flight of stairs, but it is a phrase that pays)

No Plame Jane: dude, did you ever see the Plamester on the cover of FHM?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

The Class
(Entre Les Murs)
To Sir With Love Mixed Feelings
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

France has been very kind to us Freedom Fryers this year with its exports in filmed film thingies (wtf Spain? you’re totally slacking!), and The Class closes us out on a thigh note. Winner of this year’s Palme d’Or, The Class is about a inner city multicultural class and its outercity white bread teacher. The film is free of the usual Hollywood gangsta throw downs, as teach tries to make his students, even the unteachable ones, stand and almost deliver, until he reaches his own breaking point. If you had a friend and they were about to become a teacher but you really don’t think that they should become a teacher then you should take that person thinking about becoming a teacher to this movie that probably will make them not want to become a teacher… in France… in the inner city. We barely leave the confines of the school’s grounds, so it feels a bit like detention, one you pay for, and one you should pay to see

Sextuple Threat: writer/star François Bégaudeau was the lead singer of a punk band called Zabriskie Pont, wrote a fictional novel about Mick Jagger and is the movie critic for France’s Playboy. when this guy’s done with his life we’d like to have it

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Yes Men opens everywhere today, while Truth rocks out in NY/LA, where The Class will play for one week only… before returning to NY/LA in late January

stay tuned kiddies, cause there’s plenty more reviews to come in the next week

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

What Doesn’t Kill You
Boston Crime Spree Party
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A botched robbery taking place in a strip mall, spearheaded by Ethan Hawke. No, we’re not talking about Before The Devil Knows Your Dead, but a similar opening scene of a similarly titled new film that’s not as similar in awesomeness as Sidney Lumet’s brilliant 2007 entry was. Then again, it’s not really fair to compare anything to The Devil, cause that shiz was the knees bees (the rare revealing Marasi Tomei NSFWness surely helps to make it mos memorable). And while The Devil is purely fictional, What Doesn’t Kill You is based in reality. Director/writer/actor/Boston tuff guy Brian Goodman channels his own ruff and tumble life and pours it into this tale (with help on paper and screen from Donnie Wahlberg) of two boyhood hood chums, Brian (Mark Ruffalo) and Paulie (Hawke), as they rise from petty crimes to unpretty felonies. As they grow older (and a lot of years elapse in the film), they’re not really growing up and growing out of their wicked ways. Ruffalo’s got two kids and a long suffering wife, played by velociraptor Amanda Peet. Ethan Hawke has a shaved head and a lot of gumption. Neither have a Boston accent (they sorta try). Eventually they both land in prison and when they get out, they need to decide if they want to earn money in a legitimate manner, or go about it in the old style, which will probably return their butts to prison. Ruffalo’s the more conflicted of the two, having let down his family time and time again. He gets helpful advice from an old family friend (Will Lyman, as the voice of reason, which is no sirprize since he’s a fab narrator of many a fab things, including, but not limited to Little Children), but ultimately the decision is up to him as to how to live his life going fwd. The film is a bit uneven by trying to cram so much exposition into only 100 minutes, yet instead of it being non-stop action, it felt like the longest 100 minutes we’ve endured in a long time. Thankfully the performances by Ruffalo/Hawke are genuine and heartfelt that you’ll be rooting for these lowlifes to succeed, even if they don’t necessarily deserve to. We’re also thankful that this Boston-based flick doesn’t involve corrupt cops. We hope those kinds of movies go gone baby, gone for the foreseeable future

It Don’t Matter If It Whiteman Or Blackman: Andria Blackman chips in her first credited role as ‘Attractive Girl’. nuff said, cept we’ll juss say that Pabst Blue Ribbon never look so delicious

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story
A Face Only A Republican Could Love
Trailer | Offical Website

Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story barely made a dent when it hit theaters this fall, but after catching it on DVD, it definitely made a dent in our minds. If Lee’s name doesn’t strike a diving bell with yer butterfly then you should absolutely seek out this thighly informative and ultimately very sad doc about Karl Rove’s predecessor’s accent (his dirty tricks and expressive face helped the Republican party to put the 1st Bush into the White House and set the playbook for the next one to take office) and horrible decline (cancer). And how could you not want to see a flick that makes you want to give Michael Dukakis a giant hug afterwards?

What Doesn’t Kill You opens today in NY/LA today, and then elsewhere elsewhen. Also opening in NY is Where God Left His Shoes, a film we saw at the Thighbeca Film Fest in 2007 and we saids that it was a ‘very touching tale of a family fighting their way out of homelessness around Christmastime in NYC‘

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Reader
Read It And Possibly Weep
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Reader‘s not the easiest thing to digest (get it, Reader’s Digest? no, we mean are you a subscriber to Reader’s Digest? get it? actually you shouldn’t since there’s plenty of other reading material more worthy of thumbing through whilst yer takin a dump). The Reader delves into the touchy topic of next generation Germans dealing with the guilt associated with the monstrosity that the last generation created, a little thing called the Holocaust, but it doesn’t really do the bestest job of conveying that guilt. Lessthenone, the story, based off the ’95 Oprah-certified best seller by Bernhard Schlink, is enticing todoings that will at least motivate some activity in yer noggin. Did we mention that we get treated (although some won’t agree) to multiple scenes of Kate Winslet showing off her Rubenesque bod? No we didn’t, but we did juss then, so we withdraw the question, but we want to reiterate that you shouldn’t subscribe Reader’s Digest, unless you want to see if yer lame jokes get published and thus make you a $100aire!

Anywho, Winslet’s a cold lonely lady who takes up with a young lad (David Kross, and played later in life by Ralph Fiennes). They wash clothes, takes baths, bone, and the boy reads to her (HE’S THE READER!!!!). Why does he read to her and not the other way around? Cause she like to be read to, and probably a distant cousin of Dexter Manley, and since German television probably sucked so bad back then that being read to was all the rage. One day Winslet goes gone baby gone (with a German accent, not an awful Boston one) and the kid is left to wonder was zum Teufel? Years later he’s a law student and his class (led by professor Bruno Ganz, who upspringed in Downfall) are czeching out some hot war crime trials. And wouldn’t you know it, but one of the guards being prosecuted is that olde lady the boy made whoopee with! OH PEITSCHENKNALL! Will they bone again? No, but other stuff happens from there, including but limited to being read to!

Like we’ve sprayed before, tis nice to hear and see a different perspective on the Holocaust that is told not by the victims, but the victimizers themselves. We recommend The Boy In The Striped Pajamas more than The Reader (The Reader is miles away butter than director Stephen Daldry‘s snoozefest The Hours) , but you should probably give em both a look, along with Good, a film starring Viggo Morts to be released/reviewed later this month

We Wanna Weimar Republick Her Face: we only/always have eyes for Alexandra Maria Lara (she plays one of the victims seen in the courtroom scenes) and her yumcredible eyes

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Reader opens today in NY, in LA and SF Friday and then elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

schlappy 34th burstday
Meg White

may you get all the zebras blowing Daniel Radcliffe that you desire, and may you wear your birthday suit like yer faux NSFW impostor in places other than our wettest of wetty dreams