Thighs Wide Shut

Breast Germany

07. Apr, 2008 0 Comments

we’re a bit behind on the times here but…

here lie the greaTITSestist magazine cover of 2007

SPIEGEL ONLINE for what’s it all about alfie

+

don’t ever commit Jennicide [NSFW]

Hillary Clintonâ€™s Wellesley Thesis

Clothing Of The Future – Clothing in The Year 2000 [Cruisespanko]

& we too could watch this for hours [NSFW]

All Posts, NSFW

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Show Me Your Nuts & Berries

04. Apr, 2008 0 Comments

My Blueberry Nights
Tasty Snoozeberries
Trailers & Mo

if u can read this, yer glasses muss be backwards

Director Wong Kar-wai‘s first foray into the English tongue is very pretty, and pretty boring. No real shock there since that’s how we felt about the only other two of his films we’ve seen, In The Mood For Love and 2046 [TWS review]. Normally style doesn’t make-up for little substance in filmdom, but there’s juss something so beautiful about WKW’s love of glowing neon lights and sped-up slow-motion shots that we’ve now made this exception for a third time. Blueberry Nights marks Norah Jones’ acting debut, and after taking it in, it’s hard to tell if she’s any good or not. Why? Well, she spends most of the movie barely speaking, as she and we stand by and watch the other actors act, and damn fine ones at that (David Strathairn, Rachel Weisz, Jude Law and Natalie Portman). The film’s story is hers, but it doesn’t feel that way. She’s traveling across America to mend a broken heart, meeting all these other lonely souls, and we tend to be more interested with them than with her. Luckily their bits make up for her empty stares, although together as a whole, the bits don’t add up to much, but boy are they pretty. A more interesting debut is pitched in by Chan Marshall, another singer who you may know better as Cat Power. She shares a quality short scene with Jude Law that seems to come outta nowhere, yet her brief contribution made us wonder if maybe she shoulda been cast in the lead. Oh well, maybe WKW will throw her more of a bone if he decides to follow this up with My Blueberry Days

Memphis Belles Yes!: a 1/3rd of the film is set in Memphis, Tennessee (mostly at the Arcade restaurant), and if you’ve never been to this franztastic southern city, you owe it to yourself to visit. there’s Graceland, Sun Records studio, the Civil Rights Museum (amazingly built behind the Lorraine Motel, where MLK Jr was killed), gettin sloshed on Beale Street and mos importantly, sum of DE breast fried chicken we’ve ever had, GUS’S

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): if we can give Run Fat Boy Run a Jeepers Worth A Peepers, then Blueberry should get it too

Sex and Death 101
Sophomoric Class Exercise
Trailers & Mo

Roderick Blank (pretty boy Simon West) has got probably the greatest dilemma on earth. Right before he’s about to wed, he’s magically emailed a list of women he’s previously bedded, plus the added bonus of 70 more names that he will eventually get to kiss kiss bang bang. With a list like that, does one go ahead and get hitched or seek out these other ladies and start crossing off their names? Blank wisely chooses not to shoot blanks and tackles the list (with some assistance from his assistant, the long forgotten Mindy Cohn, aka Natalie from Facts of Life, and of Peabs face-down in her Honey Bunches of Oats fame). Wonderful premise, eh? Indeed so, and there’s some solid raunchy NSFW goings on here, but the execution is too clunky for it to fully work. Obviously we’re going to see him finish out his list of 101 names, but did we really need to see almost all of these sexcapades played out? There are some montages, but the movie runs a little too long, and could have benefited from a few more montages. And who doesn’t love montages? They even reference them in the film

So the real question is, who’s the last name on the list (and when the hell are we gonna get there already)? We won’t tell you, but we will say there’s a subplot about a killer of sexual deviants that appears to have nothing to do with our protagonist’s journey through the valley of the dolls. Or does it? Enter Winona Ryder, who re-teams with her Heathers (best teen movie EVERRRRRRR) writer, Daniel Waters, on his second directed joint. The two have a lot in common, a solid start to the early 90s and then tossed aside by the Hollywood machine. Ryder’s been able to bounce back a bit, although she really needs some better movies, but Waters? Being the dude who penned Hudson Hawk and Batman Returns won’t get you a lot of meetings in any town. There’s been talk of a Heathers sequel, and if that’s true, lettuce hope Waters takes a course on Directing 101

O Brother, Where’s Your Art: Daniel’s younger brother Mark has had a munch better go of things in Hollywurst. He started off with The House of Yes and went on to direct Freaky Friday, Mean Girls and a bunch of other pedestrian fare

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

The Flight of the Red Balloon
(Le Voyage du Ballon Rouge)
Full Of Hot Air
Trailers & Mo

Albert Lamorisse’s 1956 Oscar winning The Red Balloon (Le Ballon Rouge) is a 34 minute gem that anyone of any age would love. Hsiao-hsien Hou‘s homage to that short, The Flight of the Red Ballon,
is an almost 2 hour borefest that anyone of any age would slit their eyes out to if they’re even able to sit through all of it. All the innocence and charm of Lamorisse’s piece apparently didn’t make the flight as it’s been replaced by nothingness and lots of it. If you’re dying to see the ‘adventures’ of a Taiwanese babysitter in Paris + Juliette Binoche lend her voice to a puppet show, then this is the movie for you. If not, then make the le voyage to Netflix, rent the original short and watch it 4 times instead of taking in this celluloid equivalent of NyQuil

VH99: in 2006, for one whole hour, VH1 Classic aired the video for Nena’s ’99 Luftballons (99 Red Balloons)’ to help raise money for Hurricane Katrina Relief

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Priceless
(Hors De Prix)
MasterCard Declined
Trailers & Mo

Gad Elmaleh is the most loveable loser in French cinema today. Anytime we’ve seen him on screen, our hearts go out to him, and our mouths end up errupting with laughter. He stole the show in the average Valet [TWS review], and he keeps Priceless from going completely bankrupt. Here he plays a simple barman who, by way of mistaken identity, literally charms the pants off of sugar daddy hunting Audrey Tautou. A whole movie coulda been built around this, ending with the revelation that he’s a pauper and not a prince, but that bubble bursts earlier in the flick than expected. Once Tautou discovers that he doesn’t have the Midas touch, she instantly loses interest in him. Elmaleh doesn’t give up and tries hard to re-charm her pants off. Tats starts up her old ways again with another rich dude, and while Elm waits for her to change her mind, he decides to jump into the gold digging game as well. You know it will be only a matter of time before Audrey breaks down and realizes that Gaddy is the man for her, even if he’s only rich at heart. Priceless is down right cute like its stars, but too darn predictable to be worth the trip to the art house

Gadamn: Gad, as a woman, scary shiz indeed

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

all flicks open in limited release today, cept for Priceless, which already be in theaters

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

All Posts, Movie Reviews, NSFW

Jeepers Worth A Peepers, museum, Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous, Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

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Clan of Attack

03. Apr, 2008 0 Comments

did you see Ang Lee’s 17 hour spy & thigh game as known as Lust, Caution? yeah, we didn’t think so. we barely got thru it ourselves, but one thing kept us going…

[full size pics at GBN]
…Tang Wei/Wei Tang/æ¹¯å”¯, and not juss cause she NSFWed it up like there was no tomorrow, which in turn got her blacklisted (is there such a thing as gettin ‘whitelisted’?). look at those eyes. have you seen anything more beautiful in all your life, well besides this? Wei, if yer reading this, we want to mother your children. we can name our first kid with part of your name and part of our mos flavorite Fletch character: Poon Tang. then when PT has his/her own family, they’ll be known as the Poon Tang Clan. speaking of clans, boy do we miss Ferrara-Pan’s Cherry Clan candies

happy 40th 2001

long live Roger Ebert and his thumb

Rachael Ray is Hitler [YTMND]

sorry sir, but you are not Gheorghe Muresan

LEDELL EACKLES and SASQUATCH!!

how dare they tear down the hallowed halls of Tori Amos and The Thigh Master

some like it hot, some hairy

have a ball with Leah [NSFW]

Paper Condom Envelopes from the 1930s & 1940s [PCL LinkDump]

Top 10 Most Ridiculous Dining Experiences

Mr T rubber duck

no wonder her pee stinks [NSFW]

MAD genius
interactive Al Jaffee’s fold-ins for Mad magazine [Shumster]

pee es – our search engine on the top of the right column is revved up and ready to go, so feel free to comb thru all 670 ‘NSFW’ results

All Posts, Art, Hotties, NSFW

YTMND

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We Want To Go Where The Rainbow Ends

02. Apr, 2008 0 Comments

remember this hottie mcgee supreme that tried to tag-team a non-interested/totally gay Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut that we boasted about back in the ’06 [see bottom of post for butter pics]

all we knew about her was that her name was Stewart Thorndike and that we totally have to mother her children. well after fo ages with nada nunca news about her, our belovededed Google Alerts finally came thru the looking glass! turns out she’s alive and well, a recent NYU film school grad, and that her full name is Megan Stewart Thorndike (although like Night Shaayalalamamadingdong, she goes by M. Stewart Thorndike), and we know this cause she’s holding a giant check from TimeLife for winning their 2008 Young Filmmakers Challenge

even Happy Gilmore would be jealous of this check

WAY TO GO STEWIE!!!

we dug up a few thangs M. Night Thorndike has worked on that you won’t find on IMDbsweeney…

‘John’s Polka’, a Converse shoe spot she shot
Tess and Nana, her graduate thesis film
People Are Children, co-director
Turning, co-director
4am, Friday, she starred in the short film
Team Queen, grip/gaffer
Shock Art, boom operator

we wish u much success in the future, cause that’ll mean more new pics of you (with or without giants checks)!! as always, we’ll be keeping our Eyes and Thighs wide open for you Thorny!