Thighs Wide Shut

there be sum thangs
that wees been lovin dis summer
so we thought
that u outta know
what sum o dez thangs wees be summer lovins!

Transformers
All That Jazz
Trailer & Mo!

‘a Michael Bay film‘ used to be a tag line that would send me running for the hills (even if they did have THIGHS!), but after the freshness bestness that was his Island [TWS.org review], I was willing to keep my Michael prejudices at bay goin fwd. Although I always have reservations about any big screen adaptation of a classic from my childhood (Hollywurst, please don’t make a GI Joe flick), I had a feeling that Transformers was in good hands… and those hands be that of Exec Prod-er Steven Spielbergo. Why would Señor S put his name on an action-advent pic if it was gonna turn out to be a terd? For terdness sake, we won’t have to answer that question cause, dooooooooooooooode, the biggest buck for yer bang this summer is, without a doubt, Transformers. Everything that needed to be write was right: a screenplay that would make Charlie Kaufman blush, make the transforming look bee leaveable, hire Peter Cullen to voice Optimus Prime again, and mos importantly, include that sweet sweet transformin sound (chih-chew-choh-cheh-chih). Now don’t spank me wrong, even dough the CGI was notch top, but when dem bots were battlin’, shiz was mos confusin to look at than a Physics book written in braille. As for the humans, as soon as they appeared on screen, I was wishing that the Decepticons would wipe them out in 4 seconds. But as the ‘story’ unfolded, I found that they added to the fun and not take away from it… in par dick u la lee, Shia Labeouf-cake and his mackin of foxie public hand-jober Megan Fox. So leavin the theater I had two very positive thoughts: one, a sequel better happen ASAP (why not let RoboCopper Paul Verhoeven give it ago) and two, I no longer have any qualms about Shia Where’s The LaBeef’s casting in Indy 4. Why? Cause in Spielbergo we truss!!

AutoBest: Nike’s Air Trainer III be more den meets the eye [Pakula Shaker]

Citizen Icing On The Cake: juss in case you were livin under a rock or in Iraqi and didn’t know that… Orson Welles’ final film role was Unicron in Transformers: The Movie

Transtastic: I dunno who yer mos flavorite ‘former is, but mine is far and away Soundwave

License to Wed
I Know Pronounce You One Giant Piece of Sh$t
Trailer & Mo!

I’ve seen my fair share of comedies that didn’t float my boat (For Your Consideration, The 40 Year-Old Virgin, The Aristocrats, etc), but at least those mooovies attempted to make me laff. License To Wed doesn’t even come close to touchin my boat cause it’s like a broad ocean without any water in it. Think of one of the wurstest comedies you’ve ever seen and then move it down a notch on the list to make room for this pointless comedy that would make Meet The Parents haters long for a Focker threequel. And bee leave it or snot, Robin Williams’ tis not at fault for this poo that be stankier than takin a rotten egg dump at a sulfur factory whilst listening to Stankonia. Hell, the only people we can blame for this shitrocity that netted 1.5 total laffs are the three screenplayas, who, by the looks of it, have about as much comedy writing eggspeareance as Helen Keller penning a book of Helen Keller jokes. Don’t ever watch this movie. Seriously. Not even if yer a family member of someone who worked on it. You’d be butter off watching reruns of The Office and JOing to Mandy Moore… unless of course, yer already doing that, like yours thighly

Apt MPupil3: the only diamond in this ruff piece of coal is the usage of Madness‘ thumcredible ‘It Must Be Love‘ [d|vid]

Netflux Capacitor: time to get all Corey and rent License To Drive [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes & Thighs Out Repoopulous!!•

The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen)
Juss One of GerMany Thangs Wrong With the GDR
Trailer

Tiz hard not to have yer eggspectations set high when you sit down (5 months after it’s initial US release, MIND YOU!) to catch a film that’s 95% fresh and beat out Pan’s Labium for the Best Foreign Film at this year’s Oscars. While I wouldn’t exactly say that I was floored from
frame one to frame end by Others, I will say that I could find nary a thing wrong with this tight cold war noir thriller about the secret police’s dirty dealings in the waning days of East Germany (that’s the German Democratic Republic for you History bluffs out there). This isn’t an atypical cheap thriller, containing endless oooohs after ahhhs, but sum tang mo along the lines of one o dem ye olde klassic intelligent voyeuristic flicks, like Hitch’s Rear Window or Ford Coppola’s The Conversation. That’s sum purty darn good company to be in if you ask me. Oh, yer askin me? Well, sum might say bestest company since Jack Tripper moved into an apt with Chrissy Snow and Janet Wood!

The Balls of Others: John Ritter’s testicles were briefly visible in an episode of Three’s Company?

Netflux Capacitor: want sum-tang equally as eye openin about the GDR but a lot more comical? Czech out Good Bye Lenin! [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•

A Mighty Heart
Mr. & Mrs. Pearl
Trailer

Michael Winterbottom is our mos flavorite director goings. His worldly films are not only works of art, but challenges to the ears, eye and mind. Whether they hit the mark or not, his misses are still 328123848124 zillion times better than the next person’s. W’bottom’s latest, A Mighty Heart, was quite a challenge. He had to retell a story where mos of his audience already knew the outcome, but duhvs course, W’bottom makes it work. Heart is an engaging, although somehow not totally enrapturing, dramatization of the events surrounding the kidnapping of WSJ journalist Daniel Pearl (Capote screenwriter Dan Futterman doin justice to the dearly departed). While we’re not treated (or is ‘spared’ a better word?) to what Pearl himself endured, we do get all the other good guy angles covered, from his preggers wife Mariane (played well enuff, but lets not get Oscar nom crazy, by the mother of Brad Pitt’s children), his WSJ colleagues, the US gov (Kevin Costner’s long lost bud Will Patton), and the local Pakistani officials and intelligence (shining star Irfan Khan, who dazzled in The Namesake). While I wouldn’t say that this is ‘bottom’s best work to date (IMO, that’s ’99s Wonderland), I would say it’s one of his more important ones. Not only cause of the subject matter, but the fact that this film will be seen by a larger American audience, which all of his films rightly deserve

Netflux Capacitor: peas, do yerself a flavor and peep out another important ‘bottom film, Road To Gitmo [trailer|TWS.org review]

IMDb Sweeney: supposedly ‘bottom turned down the chance to direct Good Will Hunting, Cider House Rules and Freedomland

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

Ratatouille
Fo Once, Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen Is A Good Thang!
Trailers & Mo!

I despise cartoons (the Disney 2-D ones that filled my early years do not apply here). That sediment came about as an occupational hazard from my previous job workin at the Anime porn factory. So it’s very rare that I see a cartoon, let alone have actual interest in seein one in a theater (toys and superheroes are the eggception)! Well, after the much ado about Ratatouille, I figure this one might hactually be worthy of viewing. And for all intensive purposes, it really does make for one fine cartoon. I wouldn’t say that it’s an amazin piece of cinema by any stretch of the imaginasian, but tis is probably the bestest rat film since Willard and the mos family-friendly one since the Muppets took Manhattan and rocked out with Rizzo the Rat

Bird IS Da Word: director Brad Bird may juss be da one man who can change my mind about modern cartoons. And he aint no new kid on the block neithers. Bird’s first directing gig was ‘Family Dog’ [Part 1|2|3], a toon that appeared on Spielbergo’s yumcredible Amazing Stories TV shizz-ow. The music for it was dones up by Danny Elfman, and the characters? Dones up by none other than Tim Burton

Toole Shed: quite sadly, Anton Ego, Rat‘s mos deli-ish-YES evil food critic, marks only the 3rd toon venture that the mighty Peter O’Toole has lent his pipes to. The others? The Nutcracker Prince and a series of Sherlock Holmes vids from ’83

Dis Spencer of Wisdom: GoldenFiddle takes on the gleib Owen Gleiberman

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•, and a muss C if you got sum of dem kids runnin round in yer kingdumb

Crazy Love
Love Is Blind
Trailer

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Well to do man falls in love with Bronx girl. Girl kinda in love with man, but man is married. Man promises to divorce wife and marry girl, but promises aint no actual divorce. Girl moves on, but man doesn’t. Man getz beyond jealous and hires some henchmen to throw lye in her face. Girl loses her vision, man goes to jail. From jail, man keeps bothering blind girl. Man released from jail and girl and man… get married!?!?!? Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Yep, a true story so lurid that u should flock to this doc!

Art Gar Funk Cool: blind girl Linda Riss makes a better painter than mos people who can see!

More Than Meets The Lye: How to Make Lye

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer
Certainly Not Gold or Silver, But A Bronze Aint So Bad
Trailer

Comic books are by nature stoopid stuff for kids… unless wees takin bout a graphic novels, but den again, adaptations of dem (eh hmmm 300) can be broker than employees of RE/MAX. Anywhozitz, the Fantastic Four are stoopid and their movies are equally as stoopid. Our thoughts on FF round 1 purty much match our thoughts on round 2: despite the cornball dialog, BEYOND appalling cast, and BEYOND terabyte terry-bull cast, it was not only NOT awful, but kinda entertaining. Those choice words only earned the 1st one a Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges tag, but #2 get extra bonus points for throwin in the Silver Surfer for added fun. Surfer was mos def ricker than slick, but he still aint as rad as T2‘s liquid T-1000, who turned 16 this summer. In closin I’d like to reveal that Jessica Alba has gots the same superpowers that her onscreen persona Sue Storm gots. While Sue can make herself and others invisible, Alba can make her acting skills invisible! Which doesn’t make a lick of sense considering she never had any skillz in the 1st place. Stick to the swimsuits and stripper poles, and keep yer mouth thighs wide shut!

Frost-e The Showman?: yes, that name you see in the credits under ‘screenplay by’, Mark Frost, is indeed the same man who co-created Twin Peaks. And whaaaaa? Who dat playing Dr. Jeff Wagner? Nun udder that Agent Dale Coop’s ex-partner Windom Earle!

Fantastic, Now Get On All Fours: I heart you Beau Garrett, you April ’99 yahooin NSFWin Entourage turista!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

White Stripes – Icky Thump: every time they release an album, it’s an event onto itself. And for good reason, cause with each new release, they make their previous album sound like yesterday’s news. Every track here is bona fide bestness, hispecially, ‘Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn‘ [d] , aka the mos stompiniest song since Zep’s ‘Bron-Y-Aur Stomp‘ [d]

Various Artists- Summer Of Love: Hits Of 1967: It was 40 years ago today… that a lotta smelly hippies headed to San Fran to eat crappy veggie food and drop out on bad brown acid. Whether you were there gettin experienced or not, Time/Life has assembled this thumcredible 38 song boxed treat (+ a bonus DVD) that captures the sweet sweet sounds of that summer. Although Jimi, The Beatles, The Doors, and a bunch of other luminaries were left out, you’ll be too turned on tuning in to some of the bestest music ever created to even care. So, for all those going to ‘San Francisco (Be Sure Too Wear Flowers In Your Hair)‘ [d]

Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová – Once Original Soundtrack: Great movies usually give way to great soundtracks, although lousy films also do the same (Judgment Night anyone?). But an eggstreme rarity is when the soundtrack IS the movie. And no film embodies this equation more than the sdtrk to Once [TWS.org review]. You may fall hard for these tunes, but we recommend that you ‘Falling Slowly‘ [d]

Mark Ronson & Friends – Version: remember that hot arsed Lily Allen cover of the Kaiser Chiefs’ ‘Oh My Gawd‘ [QT stream]? Well that shiz was juss an appetizer for Mark Ronson’s full-scale project of cover Versions. Pretty simple, and simply AWEsome. Not all of them are gems, but Robbie Williams’ take on The Charlatans ‘The Only One I Know’ is trezzz many feeq!!

Elton John – Rocket Man: Number Ones: for those not too crazy about all the fluff that comes with a double-disc greatest hits package, this stacked 17-song collection is all certified hits. They have to be, or the packaging would be lying! Outrageous outfits while listening are optional

The Slumber Party Girls – Dance Revolution: Had I been tipped to the Saturday AM bestness that is CBS’ Dance Revolution back in the fall of ’06, this crapolicious sugary pop album woulda been a shoo-in for Top 5 albums of that year. Alas, we were late to the party, but that doesn’t mean that the revolution is over. As show host DJ Rick would say, this shiz is ‘off the couch!’ Go on and ‘Make A Wish‘ [d] and all your dreams will cum true

Ocean’s Thirteen
Ocean’s Hook Line Is A Stinker
Trailers & Mo

Having your characters sport faux mustaches cannot disguise the fact that you’ve basically remade your first movie, cept your caper has no motivation, your execution has no rhyme or reason, your new casino had the same interior designer as Tao & the Hiro Ballroom, Don Cheadle’s cockney accent starts to outwurst Kevin Costner’s in Robin Hood, and in the process, you’ve allowed Al Pacino to hand in the weakestest and leastest menacing screen villain since The Penguin. So besides Ellen Barkin’s wicked cleave line, is there anything redeeming? Unless you JO to Clooney’s omniscient smirks, then the answer is a resounding NO

IMDb Sweeney: fakes mustaches may be all the rage, but Matt Damon rages against the machine (read: the film industry) by donning a faux shnozer in dishonor of not being allowed to sport one in Gilliam’s The Brothers Grimm [IMDb|Stufffzz]

Netflex: ever heard of Casino [trailer]?

Apt MPupil3: The Stones‘ klassic ‘Tumbling Dice‘ [d HERE|live vid]

Eyes Wide Open: for AMC/DeBeers hottie Olga Sosnovska, who plays the thankless role of ‘Debbie’

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…