Thighs Wide Shut

we’re still in love, hactually with Martine McCutcheon

who keeps us abreast on breasts [SFW]

although we’re already abreast on hers [NSFW]

Brief Interviews With Hideous Men
Brief Brilliance & Not Much Else, With An Incredible Cast
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Timothy Hutton, Dominic Cooper, Ben Gibbard, Chris Messina, Max Minghella, Lou Taylor Pucci, Bobby Cannavale, Will Arnett, Will Forte, Christopher Meloni, Denis O’Hare, Josh Charles and Frankie Faison (woooah!). None of these men are physically hideous, but what comes out of their mouths could be perceived as hideous, especially when heard thru the ears of a woman (Julianne Nicholson), a woman with a broken heart, who interviews them mens as a graduate school project that doubles as a way to understand why and how her heart was smashed to peaceses. Still with us? Well that’s about all you need to know since any other plot divulging would involve the contents of the interviews. Some of the men’s tales will prick up your ears, particularly Cooper’s, Charles’ and Faison’s, but the rest will go in one ear and come out the other. Is this thing on? Is there anyone out ear? From David Foster Wallace‘s 2000 collection of short stories of the same name, first time writer and director (and producer, and he acts in it too, but it’s not his first time acting) John Krasinski (The Office‘s Jim, for you thick ones out there) translates his words onto the screen and the results feel more like a book reading than something resembling a movie (The Penis Monologues?). We haven’t ever read a page of Wallace, but maybe he’s just one of those authors whose works are literary genius, but ultimately unfilmable (like anything by Kurt Vonnegut). Nice graduate school try Halpert, but your jest-ure is far from infinite

Officemates: besides episodes of The Office, no other cast member has directed a full-length film, eggcept for Jenna Fischer. her LolliLove mockumentary, about handing out lollipops with messages on the wrappers to homeless people, is an absolute travesty of a mockumentary of a sham of a mockumentary of a travesty of two mockumentaries of a sham

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Coco Avant (Before) Chanel
Coco Puff Piece
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Coco Before Chanel shows us the first act in (non-Portland) trailblazin designer Coco Chanel‘s life, but it may have been better off focusing in on the other 2/3rds during her more colorful period: Coco During Chanel. Audrey Tautou ‘uglies’ herself up as the title character, and while this gamine is game, the game’s writer/director Anne Fontaine has hatched one which isn’t all that amusing to play. Most of the action centers around the independent woman’s dalliances with men in the French countryside, resulting in her handing out blue balls (her patron, a fingernails on chalkboard annoying Benoît Poelvoorde) and receiving blue nips (Alessandro Nivola, doing his best Jonathan Rhys Meyers impersonation), and while that’s all nice and interesting, all we do as an audience is sit and wait patiently for the moment where she finally hits it big (we believe they call that the ‘payoff’). When the moment does arrive, the film is racing for the credits, and we’re left wanting more. Not the ‘wanting more’ in a good way, but as in we want something a lot more than what we just watched. Had the picture broadened itself to include her entire story Coco Before Chanel coulda been one of the more remarkable female biopic of this decade, alongside the likes of Frida and La Vie en Rose, but it didn’t, so feel free to change the chanel

Coco Vin-Vin Situation: thanks yous Ms Chanel, for making things/boobs like this possible

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Coco opens in NY & LA today, while BIWHM tries to get pretty in NY only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sorority Row
The Partridge Scam-ily
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

&

The Final Destination
Tone Death
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Both of these ‘horror’ films basically all suckses. The kills are all goods and funs, very funs, but all them filler in betwixt each of the decapitations needed a bit of… fillerbustin. BUSTED! If The Final Destination wasn’t in 3-D, it wouldn’t be worth 2-D-eeing, like Jaws 3-D, but unlike the nevercoming soon enuff Step-Up 3-D. Speaking of Step-Up, Step-Up 2 The Streets totally stepped it up like Steppenwolf and Teen Wolf eating a party of five Scott Wolfes, and that was all due in all parts to the ness-hot of Briana Evigan, daughter of My Two Dadser Greg Evigan, again evigan and again. She had sweaty boobs in that movie and she does again evigan in Row, which rowed rowed rowed our floats! The boner-us bonus is she also somehows gets involveds with bubbles. Then again evigan, all boners get qwikly erased every time Rumer Willis pops up on screen, cause she looks like a microwaved Demi Moore, more or less. But then the boners return when you see this againevigan

any questions? oh yeah, Row has Princess Leia wielding a shotgun, which is the most action she’s seen since Han grabbed her boob, + Audrina Partridge gets killed, but not nekkid. Others do, but no Evigan birthday suit, so it’s kinda pointless nudity. Destination had 3-D boobs, and when we tired to grab them on screen, we failed, so in essence, that movie was a failed. Sadly the multi-dimensional boobs did not belong to former Clooney NSFW f&cktoy Krista Allen

where does that leaves us? if Row was 3-D it would been better than Destination, but it was in 2-D, so…

Verdictgo: john wilkes both Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Row and Destintion are both sum meritting at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

colecciones Martínez Roca, Super Ficción series

[Sci-Fi-O-Rama]

Taking Woodstock
What A Long Not So Strange Trip It’s Been
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Woodstock was supposed to take place in Wallkill, New York, but shiz happened and so it couldn’t be held there anymo. Enter Elliot (née Teichberg) Tiber (Demetri Martin, being a little less crazy here than he is when gettin his booty on the floor with the Crazy Dogggz), who helps run his mom and pop’s (Imelda Staunton & Henry Goodman, laying the Jewishness on a bit too thick) rundown El Monaco Motel near Bethel, NY. Money was tight and their motel was in trouble of being shut down so enterprising Elliot, who was the president of the town’s Chamber of Commerce and had already secured a permit for his own local arts and music festival, takes Woodstock. Get it? The locals aren’t pleased, but the festival organizers, led by the male Lady Godiva with a vest Michael Lang (Jonathan Groff) are, especially with time running out and not many options left. Elliot’s original location idea wasn’t big enuff, so he turns to a local dairy farmer named Max Yasgur (Eugene Levy, in a role he was truly born to play), who has plenty of land to spare, and spankfully open to the idea. All the above and the additional steps leading up to the actual concert are brilliantly depicted in Ang Lee‘s look back, with usual scripting from partner James Schamus in tow

But when the show goes on, the movie practically loses all of it’s flower powers. As the music blares in the background, the focus stays on Elliot, with his family’s money troubles now evaporated, he starts to out his in the closet feelings, as well as explore some mind-melting drugs, but who friggin cares? It’s understandable not wanting to recreate stage performances already captured to a T in Michael Wadleigh‘s 1970 Academy Award winning doc, but if yer thirdish act lacks like Taking Woodstock‘s does (Emile Hirsch as a vet = meh, Liev Schreiber as a tranny = eh), don’t think anyone would complain if they let Jenna Maroney do her best/wurstest Janis Joplin impersonation/abortion. We are also denied the possible pleasure of seeing Levy as Yasgur, delivering his heartfelt speech on the main stage (then again, maybe that was in the movie and we missed it since we had to pee 2 times during our viewing). Come to think of it, they shoulda made a movie revolving around Yasgur. We mean, dude got effin name-checked in Joni Mitchell’s beyond classic eponymous track [empee3], and the more flamously cover version done up by CSN&Y [empee3]. What you got Tiber, besides a river in Italy that your probably renamed yerself after?

Earthlight Players With Herself Club: hottie Jennifer Merrill gets nekkid as an Eartlight Theater Player. luckily (thighlarious) troupe leader Dan Fogler didn’t

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers

American Casino
The Bank Job
Official Website & Trailer

America’s housing crash and current financial crisis is confusing stuffs. Believe us, it is! We hactually stopped reading any articles on it cause news like that doesn’t talk about boobs and the only thing we know about money is how to spend it on crap from our past that we re-want and can find on eBay. Well Leslie Cockburn and hubby Andrew do their best to bring us up to speed, doc style, with a mix of personal stories of foreclosures on people who probably shouldn’t have had a mortgage to begin with, to a bunch of talking heads talking about stuff that’ll be over mos people’s heads besides people who talk like those talking heads, but not the ones from the band that totally has to reunite before they are we die. Translation: there’s something here for both the the layman and texperts to sink their and our brains into. Casino may not be timeless, but you have to give it some credit crunch for being right on time

Wilde At Heart: the Cockburn’s daughter is none other than Houser/OCer/Tron Legacyer Olivia Wilde. tawk about a family with brains AND beauty!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Woodstock is currently slightly hitting the mark at theaters near jews, whilst Casino plays on house money in NY & SF only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…