Thighs Wide Shut

• Do I think that Junior Senior is dynamite? Yes, and I think they’re outta sight, as well. Sure, they name check themselves more than Ice-T’s rock outfit Body Count did, but after catching their blitzkrieg of toe-tappin’n, head-bobbin’n, and outrageous funin’n at the Mercury Lounge last night, I’m ready to elevate these crizz-azzy-arsed Danes into my inner circle of most flavorite current bands (alongside Air, Blur, Fiery Furnaces, and LCD Soundsystem R.E.M.). As usual, I was late to the party with these bob fellers. I had heard the awesomeness of ‘Move Your Feet‘ [d-lode], but had no idea who the fork sang it til I saw their debut, D-D-Don’t Don’t Stop the Beat, grace Ms Mod’s Best of ’03 list. Since I trust her more than internets inventors, duhvs course I was gonna buy the dang thing and fall in love with it instantly, like when I first eyed dearest Cuthbest, who was playing chess with her father Jack, sometime between 12:00 A.M.-1:00 A.M.. Moral of that aside? Buy the album and shake yer friggin coconuts. Wrap-up of the show? The sound board dude refused to give me the set list, but they played 4 new songs, which all sound like good things to come. Plus, Senior (the Senior of Junior Senior) could be the coolest guy on earth. He looks like the love child of Josh Homme, D-Day from Animal House, and Rip Taylor, AND has more energy than Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist AND ConEd combined. These guys are so fun in concert that if I had a son and he was 13, they’d be playing his Bar Mitzvah. It would make for a night more dynamite than this so-called ‘Junior Senior Dynamite Nite’‘.

• Another sign football is round the corner: bore-fessional basketball’s season is over.

• a-ha to play its first US show since ROCKTOBER OF ’86!!! The lucky place? Irving Platz, in NYCyou there! The better play a 90-minute version of ‘Take On Me’.

• Zissou crewman, Bowie enthusiast, and all-around knockout, Seu Jorge returns to America this Zeptember for a lil tourski. He’ll chip in 2 shows at Bowery Bestroom. [via Aeki T]

• Trend of the week: overeggsposed young hotties’ uncles. They should count their lucky stars their uncles aint wicked.

• Lohag removed from Herbie posters. Now if we could only wave the magic wand and remove her from the media spotlight.

• Here’s a teaser for premiere of the King Kong trailer.

• Terrible: Land of the Dead review, by Gene Siskel [scroll down a bit]

• One man’s search for Kubrick’s Overlook Hotel [via 5 Things via Double Vikers]

• ‘Antonio said I looked like a monster.’

• Seen Bandwagon Boy’s Friendster profile? Probably not since me and my man Marv make up 25% of his friends.

• The 00s are a lot like the 70s, cept people were more nekkid, more famous, and more hairier back then. [ideas and links via Veganese]

• And we’ll spank it like it was 1979

• Is it me, or is Chris Evans wearing novelty glasses?

• And what’s all this buzz I hear about DiCaprio taking over for Arnie in Terminator 4? Maybe this time around he’ll kill Claire Danes instead of henry kissing her.

Here be some snaps from last nite’s Freedom From JapanaPorn Fest. I have no idea who most of these people below are, but they were very willing to pose for a photo. [Note to self: figure out how to turn on that anti-redeye feature]

• ‘You will never see me in a nude scene,’ stated Her Former Royal Thighness the I. ‘Then there’s no mystery for my private life.’ First of all, her boobs have disappeared, so there’s no loss there. Second of all, what’s the mystery? Kids probably know about her than they do about Amelia Earhart. Bi they gay, how is it possible that there’s an ‘official’ Amelia Earhart website?

• Meanwhile, Bad Girls author Alex McAulay waxes bout the prospects of Lohag & Duffdiver starring in the movie adaptation.

• Blur suing each other?

• From Popbitch: Noel Gallagher was interviewed by David Walliams in the Observer last weekend, and told a classic story. Liam, apparently, was a huge fan of Spinal Tap. But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as A Mighty Wind at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted “I’m not ‘avin’ that”, and stormed off. And has never watched the film again. And spank the lord they finally played MSG last nite, cause I was gonna jump outta window if I had to read one more stankin article talkin bout how they sold out the place in minutes.

• Stewart Copeland Foos it up

• Mandy Moore to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame!

• Remember the search engine Excite.com? Neither did I til I read this.

• Don Malkemes furthers goal of ‘humping’ actress Kelly MacDonald. Great, but who’s Don Malkemes? UK’s answer to Stephen Malkmus?

• If one person yawns, why does everyone else in the room want to yawn? Related: somebody please stuff her mouth

• Just what I needed: a female Japanese android that wears gloves [via JINR]

• Who has the world’s greatest 404 Error: Page not found? The Sugar Daddy, Mr Poon

• Don’t pass up the chance again to own yer own Freezy Freakies

• Photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store

• Rock, Paper, Saddam! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Yer YTMDawgnesses of the day: although Grambs hit the mark by matching Racist killer Killen with Uncle Jr, how bout Killen and the Six Flags guy? Or juss for shiz and giggles, a lame Cuthbert & Vader one AND Baloo Jizzes on Tom Cruise, which I could watch for 3 hrs straight… or would that be 3 hrs gay?

• No perspiration this time from Ms Pinder, but still plenty of yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yummy yamness to go round!! OMLORD, I may have to bypass all other Her Royal Thighness the III candidates and juss elect her two redonk bazoombies to the bone throne!!! [most are kinda NSFW]

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• Want my review of the Bloc Party show at Webster Hall last night? Similar to this, but with less words from my chopping BLOC: BOOOOOOOOO-oring (more ‘oring’ than ‘BOOOOOOOOO’), ‘I’m afraid you’re just too darn loud‘ (audio), Tracy Chapman needs singing lessons, and hey, Moby sounded great here, so why didn’t they, and, you call this a ‘party’? I’ve had more fun fasting during Yom Kippur. Sorry My Man Marv, but their sound was trost in lanslation somewhere tween the album and the stage. Feel free to LCruD Soundsystem yer ears when NPR broadcasts their show at the 9:30 Club tonight. [last via Alexander deLarge Boy]

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

Been sifting thru ole emails at the day job, since I’m moving on to bigger and less animated porn things next week, and found the following great junky links! Sorry if I posted them in the past:

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

• What’s the greatest computer-based game of all thymes? No doubt the one that our 4th grade Social Studies teachers ‘forced’ us play back in the mid 80s: Oregon Trail. I mean, who didn’t try to kill their family off as qwikly as humanly possible, by starvation, disease, drowning, or at the hands of them evil Injuns?? I loved the game so much that when I gots to high school (the one ranked 11th best in the country) and had Journalism for 7th period, we’d all get passes to go to the library to do ‘research’, aka, play the deluxe mid 90s version of the game. Sometimes we’d get the passes, leave school, smoke mad blunts and eat lots of Doritos, but that’s another story for another time. Anywho, major spanks to Double Viking for digging up a version u can play right on yer computer!! Now if only someone could dig up Archon or Carmen Sandiego for me, cause I’m too darn busy playing Where’s Peabs [via Senor Grambs] to find dem other games myself. In the meantime, I’m gonna party like it’s 1849!!

• VAUGHN UPSET HIS CAMEO IN MR + MRS SMITH WAS LEAKED

• THIGH MASTER UPSET VAUGHN HAS CAREER

• David Gray and his sweet-arsed voice are going on tour. Too bad I can only think of Cuthbest in the back seat of a car getting railed by that quiche-bag [very end o’ clip] when I hear ‘This Year’s Love’. Anywho, here be the dates:

1st August: Toronto, The Carlu (General on sale 17th June)
2nd August: New York, Webster Hall (General On sale 22nd June)
4th August: Boston, Avalon (General On sale 24th June)
5th August: Philadelphia, Merriam Theatre (General on sale 18th June)
6th August: Washington DC, 9:30 Club (General on sale 30th June)
8th August: Chicago, Vic Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
9th August: Minneapolis, State Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
14th August: Seattle, Moore Theatre (General on sale 7th July)
16th August: San Francisco, The Fillmore (General on sale 10th July)
17th August: LA, John Anson Ford Theatre (General on sale 9th July)

• Like seeing Alba in that tight-arsed blue suit? You may get yer chance to see in twice more over the next 12 years! Like seeing whorreible Alba photoshop? You get yer chance right now! [info via IM]

• What is sure to be the weirdest thing mt everest? Bjork’s sdtrk to hubby Matthew Barney’s latest Drawing Restraint 9. Sign me up NOW!

• There were sequels to Clockwork Oranges? No, juss two rip-offs: La Gang Dell’ Arancia Meccanica & Una Gute De Sangre Para Morir Amando (aka Clockwork Terror), which actually starred Sue Lyon who played the title character in Kubrick’s Lolita!

• What did the Cream reunion sound like? Find out fo yo self! But no sunshine of my love for ‘Anyone For Tennis’? That would’ve been nice.

• Hugh Jackman looking at Rachel Weisz in the snow!!?@!#? This IS gonna be Aronofsky’s bestest!

• Arcade Fire to re-release their ole EP. No tracks contain the word ‘neighborhood’. Not related: Synappies’ list of his flavorite NFL player names: Atari Bigby

• Celebrity tongues. Warning: the Brittany Murphy ones may blind you… unless u peep these other random ani gifs 1st!

• Tell Harry to cast a spell and make you 18 already!

• I bet on super-Earth their version of Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look like a cracked out whorebag!

• The annotated guide to BJ’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ [via MonkeyMan]

• I kinda feel sorry for the Old Kids On the Block. Hispecially the one who likes like Joel Grey ala Cabaret, avec soul patch.

• Please tell me this is true: Six minutes of exercise a week ‘is as good as six hours’. Cause I get about 12 minutes of quality hand relief every 2 hours. [via Newz of da Weird]

• Why pay to see The Island, when u can go for free (select cities). Same goes for NYCers with David LaChapelle’s Rize

• Triumph @ the Jackson Trial

• And if I ran Hollywurst, I’d make the ultimate Mask movie, starring a mishapeneded Eric Stoltz, a green Jamie Kennedy, the van-dyke-stached Jack White [via Mod], and the OG cast of The Iron Mask. This could be the bestest movie idea I’ve had since Leonard Parts I-V or that giraffe thingie.

…speaking of, how come the DVD release of the bestest Bill Cosby on an ostrich film flew completely under my Thighdar and the rest of the world’s presses? This could be the biggest DVD release since the original Star Warseses!! So don’t tom delay, buy twoday!

PEACE THE FCUK OUT
MANDY MOORE?!?!?$@!• Well I guess we can cross her off the list of potential heirs to the throne! That leaves Mischa & Harley Quinn in a dead heat for Thighdom. But don’t worry hun, I won’t ever forget dem BUNS! [last via UMC]

• But how could I forget about Alba, and all these HOT pics?

• Spice Girls AXED from Live 8? Make up yer minds already. I’ve haven’t seen this much back and forth since I peeped that above Moore’s buns thing link!

• Is that Paris showing us her teets, or is it someone that looks like Paris? Either way, someone’s showing us their teets!! [NSFW via Made of Brawnstein]

• D-lode FOUR new Archdukes (Franz Ferdie) tunes (live/demo versions) at FF.org [via XFM]

• Three more acts added to the Siren Fest. Arcade Fire still a possib. Indigestion is a definite.

• Ms Mod points in the direction of a handy list of all of NYC’s free summer shows!

• Seu Jorge, of Zissou and Knockout Ned fame, is playing at SOBs this Monday. I’ll only go if he plays those Bowie covers that he makes up the lyrics to! [via Aeki Thursday]

• RetroBest interviews ultra-80s hottie Cindy Morgan. I didn’t realize she was in both Caddyshack AND Tron. Even in blue, she gives me blue balls.

• Jewsrock.org

• Peep elemtary school pics of sex offender and all around creepy-arsed looking guy Brian Peppers [via DataTwat?]

• Mag Bastard returns from Rip Van Winkleville

• Productshop NYC gets a new logo and apparently decides to add a space ‘tween the Product & the shop

• Warhol’s Time Capsule 21

• NYCers, free screening passes to something that looks hot and something that has Huckabees squares on their poster.

• Celebrities LOVE Table Tennis. Even MR ED!!

[via Metafilter]
• TONS of commercial greatness + The Freaky Universe of McDonald’s Commercials [via VanMegaMan & Double Veeski]

• Whilst wasting time in boring Raleigh, NC last tweakend, me & my man Marvkus watched the 2nd most relaxing thing EVER to air on PBS, sides Bobby Ross and his OG Phil Spector hair: Alone In the Wilderness

• Mother Indicted for Hiring Stripper for Son’s Birthday Party [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• F-Dubya, the license plate [via Zach de la Roachclippers]

• Which one is not wearing pants?

• More people should rock glassies like this dude [via Jakey G]

• Vader on Wheel of Fortune, from the You’re The Man Now Dogtown and ruleZZZ Boys [CLICK NOW OR DIE]

• By the time I finished this post, her current Royal Thighness found out about the possib BLY a tea of being replaced, rounded up her Hollyweird pals, decapitated yer dear Thigh Mizzle, and served me up Peter DeLuise!

And if I haven’t replied to an email u may have sent me, you now know why…