Thighs Wide Shut

• Damon cries in the name of the Kaiser Chiefs. Speaking of, they were listed on the mega-bill with the Killers, Keane, etc, for the June show at Merriweather Post Pavilion, but aint on the Ticketbastard page. Anywho, the tix for the go sale Saturday. Maybe I should go to this. I mean, the last time I was there was to see the Wu-Tang Clan back in 1643. My friend Raykwan drank so much, he puked here, there, and everywhere, and was hugging a tree by night’s end.

• It better be called 3 Fast, 3 Furious OR ELSE!

• Does this mean we’ll be forced to see Rampling’s jungle of a bush again?

• The Thrills demanded to know ‘What Ever Happened to Corey Haim‘, well, after looking at this pic and watching this interview, they may wanna withdrawl that question. I feel so bad for the guy, but hey, if Gus van Sant ever decided to make a shot for shot remake of The Goonies, he could always cast him as Chunk, and let Vince Vaughn play Sloth. Anywho, wanna remember happier, leaner times for the Haimster? Click here and go past Frank & Pat. [via MerWiz]

• Sorry lizadies, but Alan Thicke is off the market, AGAIN.

• This is almost as painful to watch as any J-Lo movie. [via Ceffle Diddle Daddle]

• 99% Plastic & 1% Woman, and 2112% pointless.

• It’s no Hasslecrotch, but good enuff. [via Xerofall]

• Driver’s Nose Broken By Frozen Sausage

• Ron Mexico Name Generator & A blog dedicated to aeiral Google Maps [vias Gorilla Mozilla]

• Oh, and for those who care about such thangs, by the time I finished writin’ this post, me & the Mrs. kissed and made up. We also licked each other’s grundles for 3 straight and gay hours. After that, we moseyed on over to Popeyes for a 10-piece dark meat dinner special. We also had time post-grease fest to go to Sears and get a portrait dunn up with some of our closest friends: Pat, Numma Newms, Bud, Paris, and even the Kid. We truly are the luckiest people in the world.

• WHFS may be dead (yet sorta alive online), but apparently that doesn’t mean that the HFStival is dunn like Peter Warrick Dunn. According to UnwrittenLaw.com [via ASH Pipe], it’ll be May 14th @ The M&T Bank Stadium in Ball’more with the following line-up:

• I muss say, after about 3 listens, the new Moby jounks, Hotel, is bona fidedidly awesomealicious.

• Four things I’d rather do without: Ben Affleck as a director (cept his debut had the greatestist title of alls time), a P Diddy produced ‘black’ Oceans 11 (considering the white one is unwatchable), a Kutcher/Mac buddy cop flick, and drumroll please… Santa Clause 3.

• Bappy effin Hirthday to two people I want to bone on the 4th of July: Hope Davis (41) & Damon Albarn (37)!

• A deceased Marlon Brandon to reprise his role as Jor-El in the new Superman movie???

• Yeah Yeah Yeahs Scrap New Album cause it sounded too much like their first one. You mean the one that sounds like a some nasty chick screaming thru a megaphone whilst having a broom shoved up her poonanny? Seriously, who listens to that garbage? Why not waste yer money on some real garbage! [last via Guns N Rosenthal]

• Me loves me some competition in the bidness world. Why thanks to Google Mail, my boys over at Yahoo! are gonna bump up my free account from 250mbs to 1 effin gig!

• How do you say ‘Yo arse cheeks looked mighty fine pressed against a metal pole‘ in German?

• That is one effin large strawberry!

• It’s been awhiles since we heard from our President who makes ‘f%cking Stephen Hawking’s talkbox look like a Peter Frampton concert.’ Oooh, baby, you KNOWS I love your way.

• Dying to see YESsica Alba bottomless? Dream on pal (or lecherous lezzies) cause she’s afraid her dad will disown her if she did show her bushy von crotchy-crotch. Or more like her dad would be eggstremlee turned on like the rest of us and that’s juss plain wrong… for the dad, not us!

Alba + her bum = Album

– Rodney Roo prefers to donkey doo doo his Portia De Rossi all over his Bob Fosses. Be that as it may, it doesn’t even f$%king compare to the amount of flunitrazepam I gave Cito Gaston last night, just to get a taste of his hot Toronto Blue Jay? So sayeth the Peabs!

– Speaking of, what do Portia de Rossi and Drea de Matteo have in common besides having a ‘de’ in between their names? They both enjoy sipping from the furry cup.

– Her Former Royal Thighness, LL, is such a doll. And now, a real doll, complete with a beige dress with faux-fur-trimmed coat, a director’s chair, and a velvet rope. Perhaps if the doll becomes a success, they’ll release a ‘bad girl’ edition complete with g-string, nip-slip dress, and a bottle of Jim. [via Trent Lotts]

– Franz Ferdinand: THE SODA!

– Where’s your head at Astralwerks?

– Handsome Boy Modeling School hit the road.

– From the looks of this pic, I bet Mark McRoidsinthebuttviaCanseco can bench at least a 135. [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Seriously, how did Oasis sell out MSG? Did Liam buy 2,445 tickets for his ego and 1 for his unibrow?

– Paris Hilton has so many tough choices to make.

– Bid on Damon Albarn’s 12-piece sofa.

– IU rules. Take part in their Condom Fit & Feel Study.

– A six-legged frog has been found at a restaurant in China. Take a lick.

– While this bottom spot is usually dedicated to HRT the II, I decided to give her the day off so her boobs can grow ever larger! But I also wanted to give some love to a possible heir to the thrown, Nancy O’Brills. I mean, she already possesses two qualities that makes yer humble mumbler squeeze with ease: she’s blonde AND doesn’t fear rocking the side-boobage in public places. The following pic was from the SAG Awards. And honey, if you need help with the sagging, I’ll be yer Dildo Baggins.

I would have liked to start off today’s thingieamabob with a pic of Marissa smooching Alex from last noche’s The O.C., but A) after all this build up (read: dick teaseapalooza), the kiss was just a kiss and B) the losers who normally post screencaps of the show are being lazy. Anywho, next week’s show looks hottier than Catherine-Zeta-Jones-McDonald-Douglas eating herself out on Mercury. If I were as flylicious as Kirsten Cohen, I’d also call the Feds on my husband’s ex-lover. YOU GO GIRL!!!

– Debbie Gibson has gotten such a bum rap over the years. And after looking at this NSFW pic, I’d love to rap her bum for the years to cum. [via Trent Lotts]

– Q: What’s the greatestest news investigation series by a local TV station of the 2000s? A: This one set up by KCTV to lure pedophiles to a house where they think they’re meeting up with 14-year-old fresh meat, but instead are greeted by the news crew. Now that’s what we call Perverted Justice! [major big ups to Mr Blagg for that]

– Her Former Royal Thighness made a return trip to the hospital complaining of chest pains. Poor girl, I guess she didn’t know that getting tittybanging by a different 28+-year-old each night is not good for the mammies.

– I guess Jacko won’t be dreaming a little dream or standing by Corey Feldman for much longer. Does that make CF one of the lost boys?

– I’ve always wanted to attend Church. And by ‘attend’ I mean see what her vocal chords are jason capel-able of handling. And by that, I mean, ‘Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz‘.

– What’s booer than boo-urns? The bastardages who moved the intimate April Fiery Furnaces show from the Bowery B-rules to Webster Hall. I guess that means I’ll probably fall asleep, again. Man, I wish I was single again.

– Hitler still receives fan mail… even 60 years after dying. Speaking of Der Jerka$$, what ever happened to the rest of his familia?

– Who coined the phrase, “to coin a phrase”?

– Why does TMNT Porn eggsist? I mean this is almost as risgusting as the stuff I work with! [NSFWness via The DW Griffins]

– Were you sick of my pal Navi/The I-Train’s links and love of Duke basketball? Well, dude finally gots himself his own blog to post his haste. Beware, he’s a newbie and there are no pictures up as of yet. You’ve been warned. G-luck Potomac’s flavorite son.

– The internerd moves fast. Case in point: there’s already a pseudo-half-arsed-sequel to that fat Dutch kid rocking out to Romanian techno. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Can yous bee leave that the top prize in this weekend’s Grilled-Cheese eating contest is only $3.5 K? That won’t even begin to cover the champs’ Pebto and therapy sessions. [via The Brawny One]

– France sucks, and their people are hella lame.

– You’ll never be alone again with IntelliBuddy

– Felt Donuts

– The Cursor Thief

– Yer Thighness, this yer last warning (mos certainly not yer last spanking), but if you go out in public again looking like a Kabuki theater player, I may have to dump you for good (although I will still take dumps on you cause I know you likes it!).

– Linda W. Cropp is the new Hitler. But maybe DC’s better off without baseball anyway. That way I can go back to being a hater and the city can go back to being Skins Country.

– Oh crap, if I ever want to win Her Former Royal Thighness’ heart back, I better get meself a car! I’m thinking she’d love to roll around town in a pimped-out LeCar. But she probably doesn’t have time for me anymore since her debut album hit #4 on Billboard’s chart! Wow? Who knew that so many Americans had such little taste! And many of you have sent this to me and I’m sure you’ve seen it all over the internets anywhoitz, but here u goes: Lohan Got Some Big Ole Tittties (NSFW).

– Lisa Marie to sell off Elvis’ name and image for around 100mil. I’ll sell my name and image for 50 bucks if anyone wants it. [via The Medicine Man]

– Paris ‘too lazy‘ to have sex.

– Albarn & Coxon perform in the same place and the same night, but not together.

– Paul Mc may use a Les Paul, be he may also use Lee’s Press On Nails too!

– Boo.

– And the first Oscar of 2005 goes to…

– After last week’s touching piece, Steve Hartman has returned to lameland. The guy is like the Jimmy Fallon of news reporting.

– Tickets already on sale for The Twin Peaks Fest. With a few weddings next summer, I may have to wait til 2006.

– The eye in the sky is a perv. [via Sistah Sistah]

– Make McDonald’s filet-o-fish right in yer own kitchen. Microwaved fish? Forking dissssssssgusting! [via Ask Yaz]

– I don’t think my sister would have been able to live in any age prior to WWI. The stench would have killed her.

– Get yer ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtrays right here! [via Popbitch]

– For the last time, I DON’T want a Redskins Christmas stocking with John Smith’s name on it. We broke up ages ago and you people juss won’t let it die.

– And to close up shoppe for the day, I juss wanna say that despite all the hotties than inhabit The O.C. and my wet dreams, me thinks me mos flavorite character and actor on the show has gots to be Caleb/Alan Dale (not this Alan Dale). The dude owns and forks everything. Plus I’d bone any of his offspring and stepchildren (and maybe him too). Not only that but he looks like the lovechild of that ultra creepy guy from Beverly Hills Cop The I and that ultra creepy German dude named Udo. Anywho, can you bee-leave C-Love/Alan to the mutter fudging D once had hair? Here’s the proof Ruth!